A
female
age
36-40,
*hc
writes: I met my Aussie boyfriend 2 and a half years ago. He first flew here and chased after me after 2 months of talking. I was very smitten. We had our ups and downs in our LDR and 16 months forward he flew me to Aus for the first time and took me everywhere, all expenses paid by him. While I was there, he took me out to the country side and he showed me homes and property and said that's what he wants when he's a lot older. I replied, "I"m a city girl. You promised me that we'll spend half of your lives here and half in U.S." He said, "I only said that to make you happy but I hope once you live here you will want to stay here forever." That's when I knew I love him. The problem is, the first two years we've never once said I love you to each other. Just 2 months ago he broke up with me stating that he can't trust me and he feels that it wouldn't work out in the long run and it has been on his mind for quite sometime. The break up all started when I asked him if I could go to a wedding with my guy friend whom he has not met. He says that I'm not a good girlfriend and that I would go either way even if he says no. Within 4 days of the break up, I was a wreck in the mist of my midterms(I am a 25 years old student and he's 34). I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and I just couldn't pull myself together. For the first time, I told him I love him but he didn't say it back to me. He apologized for being so cold about the break up and said that he doesn't think we will work out in the long run. He said "If you move here, I know we will have a few good years together but in a few years I will be 40 and you'll leave me. You're a pretty girl and you'll leave me when I get boring". First time I met him he said he's a boring guy.. pass forward to now he still thinks that. I don't think that of him at all!! He's attentive, he makes me laugh, he's very good looking, and no one has treated me like how he has!! We got back after 4 days of break up. And now this August marks the 1 year since the last time I've seen him in Australia. I don't know what to do because I keep getting disappointed from not seeing each other. I waited so long. We're suppose to see each other this September, but he said "I don't know...it's peak season for us hun. I think it's gonna be hard for me." I explained to him that due to school I won't have any time off until the end of 2014. Since the beginning of the year all I get are excuses whenever I asked when we see each other again. He avoid answering me. I feel like he's not trying hard enough. I waited for valentines he couldn't come, I waited for March our birthdays, he couldn't come due to it being the end of the financial calender year for his company. I waited for June, he couldn't come because he moved into the city with higher rent. I waited for August for me to come see him but he says he's traveling for work. I'm waiting for September and now he says it's going to be hard for him. I don't know how much longer I can take of this waiting. The last thing I sent him was "I want to see my bf. Most girls can't do the long distance relationship because it's hard. Sometimes when I need you or miss you the most and you're not here I cry because my bf isn't here. I don't know if you understand that. It's not easy and now I don't know when I can see you again". All he responded via messenger was a sad face. I have not responded since because I am lost with words. (sorry for it being so long! .)
View related questions:
broke up, I love you, long distance, moved in, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, nhc +, writes (19 July 2013):
nhc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your thoughts and advice on this. Greatly appreciated!! Now, I feel more at ease at the thought of letting go of this relationship. I’ve been thinking maybe perhaps I was too stubborn to let go and should have let it ended when he broke up with me. Our first year in LDR, he wanted me to move there while I was still unsure of what I wanted to do with my life. He said he will only move if accidents happen, like if in case I get pregnant. I never agreed to move until last August when I was in Aus. I asked if he can wait 2 years for me until I finished school in the US (it is much cheaper). Although, he never said yes or no… we still continue the long distance. Communication has always been difficult for us not that I don’t hear from him (he message me every day almost every other hour and even at work), more that he doesn't tell me what’s on his mind or what his worries are. We have discussed about moving, marriage, and kids. So that break up really threw me off. I asked him is it because of my age? Because I’m too pushy or because I have a lot of guy friends? He said no, but I do think it’s a little bit of everything. I think the sources of his insecurities are from his past relationships. His exes pretty much screwed him over. I’m very outgoing and social while he’s very to himself and shy when it comes to girls. He knows I don’t like to rely on guys financially. I’ve never asked for things. It’s nice to have a bf or husband that’s stable and has money but as a woman, I would feel more accomplished if I can to be the bread winner. Education and career are my back bone. During the break up, I told him I wish I can drop everything here and go there to make it work but I can’t just drop all my responsibilities and go there to be a burden to him. One of the reasons to why we got back was because I told him “You would rather give us up then to try and make it work together? You worry about me hurting you in the future while you’re the one hurting me right now.” I tried really hard in reassuring him about what I do every day and where I’m at… But with all the excuses and waiting it’s taking a toll on me. Thanks everyone! I think I know what to do now.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (19 July 2013):
I am sorry but LDR is really hard and can only work when two people work towards it. While he hasn't said anything that will indicate more a meaningful future, I don't think you have done or said anything as well. Life isn't about just waiting for things to come to you, sometimes you do need to get your butt up and make it happen. Realistically, there is no reason why he should move since he seems to have more stability than you. And he seems to be the breadwinner anyway.
Good luck but you need to move on with your own life
...............................
A
female
reader, dcgirl15 +, writes (18 July 2013):
What do you think the source of his insecurity is? The way I see it, it could be one of two sources:
1) He really does think you're too good for him and he doesn't know how to handle it. He's afraid to give himself over to you because he doesn't want you to hurt him.
2) He doesn't feel a deep level of connection after this long and he's projecting that feeling onto you. He might not realize it but because he feels disconnected, he assumes it's going reciprocated and he's just waiting for you to feel the same.
He's right though; you are very young. You will be able to bounce back. I imagine that you're hurting right now (and for good reason). I think it's time to set up some expectations in the relationship. Expectations are a healthy thing. They can range from knowing if your partner doesn't answer the phone that they will call you back, knowing that if you're having a problem you can turn to your partner for support and they'll help, to knowing that they'll do their best to see you when they can.
Take some time and think about what you need to feel secure and happy in the relationship. You clearly aren't getting that right now. As long as your expectations are reasonable (and from what I can tell, yours are), you DESERVE them to be met. Express it and tell him you're willing to compromise but you're not willing to be treated as an after-thought. (Try to find a non-demanding way to say it though.)
Good luck. I hope you find what you're looking for here. If you don't, think of it as ripping the band-aid off. You're obviously already hurting a little and it might have to get a lot worse before it can be perfect. You deserve that perfection, though.
...............................
A
female
reader, malvern  + ♥, writes (18 July 2013):
 Your friend clearly likes you but unfortunately he doesn't like you enough. He is making excuse after excuse and is trying to let you down gently. He probably cannot bring himself to say that he's just not interested, but all his actions say it for him. It would be best for you to forget him and find yourself somebody closer to home who is worthy of you. It's difficult I know but you've got to forget him and move on. One day you will find somebody who really wants to be with you. Just remember this saying - The person who is worthy of your tears will never make you cry.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 July 2013):
 if you have not seen each other in a year and you are 25 and 35 then it's time to cut bait.
the relationship is not going anywhere and his excuse that it's his busy time is just that an excuse... he always KNEW when his busy time was and if he WANTED to see you he would.
believe me. LDRS suck I did a short term one for a year... we had planned a second year of LDR but could not bear to be apart and he moved.
after 2 years LDR ADULTS need to make a choice and ONE of you has to move. if no one has made any attempts to end the distance after 2 years, it's nothing more than a time waster.
...............................
|
