A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Have been in a relationship/known a man for 3 years. It's different to other relationships I've had and hasn't always been straightforward. Despite all that has happened, I do genuinely love him and feel a connection with him.My main issue is that throughout the 3 years he has been in contact with his ex! I've even met her!! For a large majority of the time, he has lived a double life, meeting up with both me and the ex and to all effect, carrying on a relationship with us both. It all emerged in a scene a number of years ago when I was in him home (while he was gone out) and she arrived to his house and told me what was going on. A lot of drama! Prior to this, I had no idea. After this, he swore to me, it was over with her and begged for a second chance. As I really loved him and wanted to give this a go, I gave him another chance.Unfortunately, it was not over with the ex and it later came out they were still meeting up. In this time, he has admitted that he was meeting up with her and in contact. After a number of months of this, I told him I could not continue the relationship and was going to move forward with my own life. However, he is persistent and we continued to stay in contact/meet him. I suppose I continued to meet him as I did genuinely love him and enjoyed his company. I never once cheated on him during this time.During some of this time, he has told me it was over with her but it has later emerged that it was not. The situation has caused me a huge amount of stress, upset, tears and anxiety. I have felt miserable during some of it and just wanted to get away from the situation and the uncertainty and stress of it. Perhaps foolishly, I was lonely and continued to reply. Fast forward to now and I have know him 3 years. At this point, it should be serious. He is nearing 40 and is on the verge of settling down. I am nearer 30, but also want to settle down. He has been telling me for the past year it's over with the ex. He has also attended counselling to address his issues with the truth/double life. In many ways, he treats me very well and is extremely generous financially. He is kind, loving and has many good traits. I enjoy spending time with him. However, at the back of my mind, it's always there that I am second best to the ex and he may be in contact with her. He has talked about a ring for the past 6 months and getting engaged. However, it has not happened and I feel now that he is leading me on. He pretends he will get it "I'll get it this weekend" yet doesn't. I feel this is cruel and unfair to lie about getting a ring, I'd prefer it not to be said rather than be lied to. However in the past week, I had a look at his phone and saw texts from the same ex. I was devastated. I have been extremely upset since then, sleeping badly and stressed.I feel i need to get away from this situation in it's current form. I'm not happy and it doesn't feel right or bode well with me about the ex. I need to move on if it's not going to work out and he won't end contact with the ex. What would you think of this situation?It's a long distance relationship (See about twice per month) so it was easier for him to cheat. I'm not happy with the fact it's long distance but he hasn't been willing to compromise on this during the 3 years. I was willing to move and got a job in his home town but he said not to accept it.Rationally this doesn't feel right, but just looking to get outsiders opinions. I would love a future with him if things were different as we are very compatible in many ways but not happy with current situation.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (4 January 2016):
Why are you still seeing this person? Yes, he is leading you on. I do not think that he is serious about the future of you both as a couple. He certainly didn't mind meeting his ex (actually not really his ex, is she) and continually lying to you about it.Be brave, get rid of toxic relationships like this one. You can do it. You will be fine single and are strong enough to make it.Make sure that he can't use you any more.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 January 2016):
Are you content to be "Number One"....with an asterisk (*)
If "yes," then you are just where you need to be... OTHERWISE.... you need to ask "Hunchey-Bunchy" if YOU are "number one".... or, is SHE?????
The answer to that question will tell you where you are in the "pecking order".....
Good luck...
...............................
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