A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have a terrible dilemma--I cheated on my husband last night and I don't know if I should tell him or not.We have been together for over seven years (married two), I met him when I was 18 and he's the only guy that I had ever slept with or even really kissed, until last night.I travel a lot for my work and I have had more than one tempting situation, I am extremely good looking so men constantly try to approach me. Yet I stayed strong, until last night. I am living in a foreign country for a few months and have not seen him for three months. Understand, I am not using this as an excuse, I know that cheating is unacceptable and disgusting and I cannot believe I stooped down this low. I would be prepared to accept any consequence my husband would think is fit, even breaking up, even though he is the only guy I could ever love. I just don't want to hurt my husband's feelings. My hookup was a one night stand, I was drunk (but again no excuse), and the guy is also in a relationship, so my husband will never find out about this. And I had safe sex and am going to the hospital later today to get tested for STDs.It's killing me to lie, and killing me to tell him I broke his trust. I know I would never do this again--though the sex was great and the guy was wonderful I felt like vomiting afterwards and could not sleep all night. Should I tell him? And when, right now over the phone or in a week when he comes to spend Christmas holidays with me?
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cheated on my husband, christmas, drunk, one night stand, std Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): Hey there,
If he would forgive you then it's better he never knows as long as you never do it again that is. You know if you do it again that there are problems in your relationship or that you need to tell him because one slip up is bad but after that it's absurd, the relationship would break down anyway even if he never knew you would grow apart. Your story sounds like you would never do this again and I really hope if my fiance, who is wonderful, ever cheated when drunk, that he'd never tell me, the pain would hurt too much for me to take and ruin everything and I know if he ever did cheat he would have to be very drunk and careless and be having a bad day. I also believe the pain of guilt would stop him ever doing it again. Telling me would only help alleviate his guilt. and ruin everything
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): The number of cheaters who say "I won't hurt my spouse by telling him/her" always seems a lot higher than the number of cheated-on people who say "I wish he/she just hadn't ever told me that they cheated!"
I think the "I won't inflict this pain on him/her by telling them the truth" is a load of crap. It's a self-serving way to justify not coming clean about cheating.
(What if the cheater were to keep on cheating? Would it be better to never tell the partner about any of it? Would it ALL be a secret kept for the unknowing spouse's "protection"?)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): Yes, it is his Hearts intelligence you speak of, and he will already be knowing something is badly wrong. May be a rough ride but you will both live through it Together. Tell him the truth, all of it, your feelings for the other guy, everything, He will be badly hurt but it is the lesser evil as he is being hurt each and every day by your Aura, his heart feels something is wrong and he will blame HIMSELF for your unhappiness and begin to hate himself and it will surely destroy him and the marriage. Just be honest and you have another chance
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): He deserves to know. You Are likely to do this again whether you tell him or not, but please, if you love him as you say you do, tell him. follow your heart, and like the first reply advises, seek help, but speak to your husband first. Wishing you well
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): As someone who just found out last night that my husband had a one night stand with a lady from our local pub, MAKE SURE HE WILL NEVER FIND OUT! I am bleeding inside and don't have any idea how to cope with the news. I hope that your husband never needs to experience the pain that I am in right now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): Don't tell him. You will hurt him by telling him only to help you deal with the guilt. That is not fair on him, you will detroy him and damage your marriage and that wound would stay there between you forever.
Get professional help by yourself to forgive yourself and re invest in your marriage.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): I hate cheaters because it eventually catches up with them and it ruins everything. As for samurai i would expect the lies from a cheater anyway. You love your husband so much that you just happen to forget him and pleasure yourself. That is love. yeah sure. I believe in old fashioned values and anything other then 2 people is a sin. I can do all the good things with sex but i refuse to stray even if that means i tell myself each day. Once a cheat always a cheat. You had something very rare and honourable by only being with one man and no matter how much sexual crap is thrown at you, you should have kept it. If you told me that you had a chance but refused because you value your morals then i personally not that i count would hold respect to the highest degree. Cheater are the lowest on my list no matter how it happens because they can stop themselves by not even wanting to do it. You wanted to do it so tell him. Why should he be punished if he is faithful to you. I hope you don't have kids and then tell him because believe me their lives will be ruined by you too.
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male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (20 December 2007):
 If you truly love your husband and you want to keep your marriage good for the rest of your life I urge you not to burden him with this.
Have you ever seen the movie the Bridges of Madison County? It’s a about a woman who has this 4-day affair with a man who enters her life. They fall in love for that brief time and they part never to see each other again. She never tells her husband about it. She goes on to have a happy marriage with her husband until the day she dies. Her children find out about this affair when they read her dairy about it. One of the big points of the movie is that she held her family together and stayed the course and they grew up living happy lives together, her kids, and her husband…it was actually a happy ending to her life. Some people would have you think that’s a tragedy!
If she had told him about the affair it would have been the breaking up of their family together. You could never tell how he would have reacted to her, but one thing is for certain…it would have hurt him. And as I relate this to you I can tell you with no doubt it will hurt your husband to know of this brief one-night that you had. No matter how he reacts to it just telling him about it is as selfish as the act of cheating itself. The only purpose of it would be to remove the guilt from your shoulders and have him bear some of it. That wouldn’t be fair.
Do not think that this sin as only yours to bear…God knows about it. God can forgive you and understand. I often think that people advising others to unburden their sins and the guilt to others, just for the sake of relieving guilt, just don’t believe in God. My dear, you are not alone in this pain of guilt you feel. You are never alone. Life is filled with bittersweet pain and this is something you have to live with.
What you did you know you did wrong. You know you will never do it again. You also say you are seeking therapy to help you. That’s another soul that will know of your guilt and can help. You are already on the road to living with this and moving on.
But I stand by what I say, and I also say this from experience. Do not tell your husband. Let his Christmas present from you be knowing you are his one and only wife and that you will stand by his side no matter what, that you will hold the guilt of this act inside you and be his wife forever faithful after.
If I were your husband that’s what I would want. I would never want to know you did this. I would prefer to live in the ignorance of this than to have it haunt me and tear us apart.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): Hey. I know how you feel. I'm married too. I cheated on my husband and told him the same day--BAD IDEA. Why are you going to make your husband suffer too Aren't you suffering also?? It will just hurt him. Do you want to hurt him? Just make sure you dont do it again. And believe me you wont feel relieved when you tell him, you will feel stupid it you tell him. Because your relationship will get worse and he wont trust you again. The guilt WONT go away... Just make sure to treat him right from now on and eventually the guilt WILL go away with time.. If you love your husband than dont hurt him by telling him.. Guys say they want to know...but if you are truly sorry and wont do it again than DONT TELL HIM. Just be faithful from now on and do whats right from now on. WHAT DOESNT KILL YOU ONLY MAKES YOU STRONGER and DONT REGRET ANYTHING THAT MADE YOU HAPPY AT THE MOMENT...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Do not tell him. It was a one off. Telling him might ease your guilt but it will hurt him, so he ends up paying to ease your guilt.
You say it will never happen again so bury it and make sure in dosnt.
If my wief cheated on me once I would not want to know
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): Please tell him. I have been in this situation too and thought I could keep it secret. Now we have kids and I love him more than ever and it hurts more than ever that I lied. I feel now 6 years on it has to come out as its still eating away at me now and has to come out. I hate lying and it shouldnt be done to the one you love. If he loves you he will forgive you but get counselling it will help you both.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): if you decide you are going to tell him, tell him to his face. it's best to have him where you can see him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): Cheating is one thing, having sex for recreation is another. If you had great time having one night stand then you should think seriously about leaving stable relationship! maybe it's now time for you to experiment and learn more about yourself!
You have to tell him what happened and move on with your life. Also think about weather your bad feelings come from fear of loosing your husband or disgust of having one night stand as a 'normal way' to fullfil your sexual needs?
Stop paniking and think! talk to somebody you can trust before you talk to him about this. You need conclusion about what next!
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): first of all you need to ask yourself two questions, did you cheat because you had been away for so long or did you cheat because you had temptations that you just couldnt resist. You said that you had temptations to cheat more than once but it never actually happened, so did you know in the back of your mind, that eventually this was going to happen. the saying what you dont know dont hurt you is simply true and also applies to your husband, but what you seriously have to think about is why you were getting these temptations to cheat in the first place. was he not sexually pleasing you or is it that you just wanted more. if it is that you just wanted more and you say you wont cheat again, i find this quite hard to beleive. If you acted out of character and are very happy with the sex life you have with your husband then you should keep this one night stand to yourself, but that is only IF you truly are, because if your not this will happen again. There is nothing wrong with having a flirt but NEVER give into your temptations again, because then you will have to think twice about why you are actually married and where your marriage will go in the future. But i think that you sound very happy with your husband and am giving you the benefit of the doubt that your not greedy, you just missed him at the time, so i think you should keep this to yourself. good luck
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A
female
reader, angelblueeyes  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 I'm afraid to say that the best way to deal with this is to tell him the truth, otherwise you have built your life on a lie.
I have done this (affair tho not 1 night) so i know better than most what this is like, me and my husband worked through this together my god it was hard but almost 14 yrs on and we are fantastic!!
Obviously i am only offering my opinion & only you can decide what the best thing for you to do.
Good luck
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male
reader, edd_edd +, writes (12 December 2007):
Hi, I can understand this must be very difficult. But if you want a good relationship then having secrets that may or maynot come out in the future is not good. You will always know that you cheated on him. You are not hte first person to ever do this and the fact you feel so bad about it shows that you feel ashamed that you have let youself and your relationship down. Would you like to know if your husband had cheated on you? Some people would others not. Be prepared if you tell him for him to be very angry but if you do tell him he will appreciate the fact that you were honest and will respect that. You canot expect him to feel secure if you are going to work away alot and he knows this has happened before. You will need to spend all your time together and not work away so consider a job closer to home if you tell hime and want to work it out.You will have a better relationship if you tell him and your can work though this tahn if you dont tell him and carry that burden with you. Yes you do risk ending the relationship if he cant forgive you but thats a risk you may need to take to repair your relationship. Because even though he doesnt know your relationship will suffer as a result.I really hope you sort everything out. You sound like a good person.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): First of all, either you chose to willingly cheat on your husband or you were raped. Pick one.
You'll probably get a lot of people telling you to keep it a secret, but would THEY want that secret to be kept from them? Not likely.
Everything seems like a victimless crime right up until you're the victim.
Take some responsibility, keep your marriage rooted in honesty, and tell him. It won't be easy but living a lie for decades is not easy either.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  + ♥, writes (12 December 2007):
 Hi,
I cant believe all the people who are saying its bound to happen if you are away from your partner.
I have been away from my partner for periods of time and all it does is make me want her more, not someone else. So I think that is a very shallow reason for people to be giving.
At the end of the day its happened, you can't change that, so why should you make your husband suffer just so you can get it off your chest? I dont understand this reasoning, he will be bitterly upset and he might even divorce you for adultery. How can that possibly be a good result?
I think you are just going to have to learn to deal with it yourself, you made the mistake and you have realised it was insane , a counsellor will help you find ways to cope, I just don't get what there is to achieve by telling your husband, unless of course you want to spoil his christmas holiday period with you.
This reasoning where the cheater feels the need to involve the injured party in the deceit is just selfish behaviour to me. If my wife told me she had cheated on me like this, she would be spending the Christmas on her own.
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male
reader, LandonM +, writes (11 December 2007):
You giving him too much credit. You are sure that the three months you were gone he didn't do anything? I am a very good partner. But at three months, I will be looking for something (or someone) to do.
What happened there was a mistake on your part. It only becomes a sin when you let that affair ruin your relationship with him. You didn't see this one coming. You tried your hardest and gave in to the circumstance.
If this isn't going to fix anything, don't have to tell him. But you do, deep inside, owe him a lot of make up time. You will need to push harder and treat him right because you are now obligated to. Don't tell him, but don't do it again, and you need to treat your husband in any venue with priority and exclusivity. In bed, be much better than you were with that one nighter. In attraction, be attracted to him more than that fling. In actions, enslave yourself in serving him.
Your problem is guilt, not the fling. You are over the fling. The guilt is something you have to solve within yourself. Do the above. You are obligated to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): I've been married for 36 years.(We're still together)I was not the best husband. Her needs were neglected. 23 years ago she cheated with a family friend.When she stopped she did nothing to filter him out of our lives. He drowned recently. Also recently a co-worker took a shine to me.No secret on my part. In a fit of jealousy she blurted out the affair. I was devastated. I had no idea.She told me at a stage when all I had to do was hit the "start button" for a "full blown" affair. And guess what little weak me did? Yes,I'm afraid so!Now I have to confess the rest to her.Already the fallout is severe. The kids and even the grand kids have been hurt.You see, the truth will fester its way out sooner or later. Get professional help. Prepare yourself. Work on your marriage. Pick your moment, and tell him.Don't delay too long. It will compound matters.God bless you both.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, Phil--that is exactly what I've been doing all day, shower, bath, wash all the sheets, spray air freshener around...Thank you so much for your kind words, they really help. I feel so awful right now I wish God, if he exists, would just strike me dead with a thunderbolt.Thanks everyone else as well: to answer your questions, I don't have children. The hookup WAS a total fluke--I felt a very intense attraction to the person at that moment, but it's not an emotional relationship and I'd never want to see him again. And anyway, sex is always great for me, but with my husband it is a million times better.And finally, I'm following the suggestions to see a therapist (this Fri, keeping my fingers crossed), especially because I'm starting to realize that part of the reason for this aberrant behavior is the accumulating stress from my extremely competitive job, and my feelings that I'm failing at it and am lazy and unfocused. Depending on how I feel after the initial session, I'll decide what to do.
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female
reader, jea49 +, writes (11 December 2007):
I know exactly what you are going through. i have lived with guilt most of my life so i know what that feels like. I am not going to judge you or tell youv'e done a terrible thing because you are already punishing yourself enough. But it is a good thing you feel guilty now and the reason why is because you know in your heart what you did was wrong. My advice to you is the key is do not continue to beat yourself up it's done and over with and i don't even know but i really believe you would never do this again, mainly because of how bad you feel about it. But if this does continue where you find it difficult to get through a day without thinking about it. I believe you should tell your husband explain to him that all of us are human and we make mistakes. think of it this way if he was the one who cheated, wouldn't you want him to tell you? That way you would know just how guilty he really felt. And please always remember God forgives us all if we sincerely ask him to.
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female
reader, chatty85 +, writes (11 December 2007):
you should not tell your husband just forgive yourself and keep going. i know its hard for you to be away from your husband, but maybe you should try phone sex, porn,vibrators,or something eles to satisfy your sexual needs, and talk to your husband for emotional needs.
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male
reader, Uncle_Phil +, writes (11 December 2007):
 I know what you're going through. I've been there. Just the once though. Drunken one night stand. Felt sick to the stomach the following morning, had a bath followed by a shower and went around the house with air freshener. Changed the bedsheets, washed them twice and turned the mattress over.
It might be a bit unconventional, but what I would suggest is that you go to see a hypnotherapist once you've got over the shock, and get them to erase that night from your memory if at all possible.
Don't bash yourself over it, it's not worth it.
Phil
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male
reader, Yos  + ♥, writes (11 December 2007):
 It sounds like you may have a very hard time keeping it a secret. If that's the case, the longer you leave it, the worse it will be. He will wonder, for example, why it took you two weeks to decide to tell him.
It's your call.
You can not tell him. You'll have to live with the guilt your entire life. Don't think about telling him 5 or 10 or 20 years from now. This site is full of people who wait years before confessing, and they make the situation worse because of it. Sometimes much worse. And your relationship won't be based on total honesty. Forever. But it may save your relationship.
Or you can tell him. He may leave you, he may cheat on you himself. He may hate you. Me may say terrible things about you to everyone you know. But he may understand you, and be grateful (in his pain) that you told him quickly and that you are horribly sorry and guilty about it. If you manage to make it through this, then you'll have an honest relationship.
Both routes involve a lot of pain. Unfortunately you caused that by what you did, there's no way out of that now. It's which route you feel is best, and only you know the answer to that question.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): Well, first thing... Is this cheating thing more emotional or physical? Is the other guy a person you know well or just some guy in a bar? If this was a one time fluke I think it would possibly more forgivable, if it is something that was lead to by months of flirting... not so good. I believe in total honesty... I also think the best way would be to tell him in person. Although I don't know if Christmas is a good time as well, but ASAP! I would suggest finding a source to get as much info as possible. From the way you wrote about you and your relationship, it sounds as if you love him... but, I kinda detect a little bit of... want to get out and, like the attention, too sexy for just one guy, and wonder what other people are like... no offense because I could be wrong! You said you can accept the consequence of breaking up, that worries me! do you really feel remorse if your okay with divorcing because you cheated? This gives you more opinions, but I still stick with TELL HIM, IN PERSON, BE HONEST! if there is couples counseling involve and you really feel remorse, going should be a number 1 priority... GOOD LUCK ! http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/59275/you_cheated_should_you_confess.html
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female
reader, frizzylizzy  +, writes (11 December 2007):
 No, don't tell him.. If it didn't mean anything to you and you never want to do it again there'e no point in hurting him. There will be nothing to gain from this situation, only you easing your conscience, You deserve to live with the guilt so don't hurt your husband. I was in a similiar situation before and believe me there is no benefit in knowing something like this. Put it behind you and get on with your life (be extra nioce when he comes to visit), maybe it's time for you to move home so something like this never happens again and give ypour marraige a proper chance, believe me long distance relationships never work out in the end, you'll end up growing apart.
Sorry hun, hope that was a bit of help
good luck
L
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S. Just a clarification: my husband has never cheated on me and I feel sure he never would; he doesn't even notice other women. He's very honest and loving and always trusted me 100%. But he is also extremely intelligent and hypersensitive and I'm afraid he'll see that something is bothering me, especially since right now I almost have something like post-traumatic stress, every time I look at my bed (where the hook-up happened) I start to shake and hyperventilate and can't sleep in it at all.
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (11 December 2007):
 After Christmas.
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