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Kissed another....Should I tell my hubby???

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 June 2011) 11 Answers - (Newest, 1 June 2011)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I've been married 2 years, together for 9. Last year I kissed another man on 3 separate occassions. I felt disgusted about what I did and put an immediate stop to it. I never told my husband. I was able to live with it up til now. We just bought a house and we are trying to have a baby, now the guilt just crashed down on me. I can't concentrate at work, I have trouble eating and sleeping and have bad stomach aches. I realize that I cheated on him for selfish, stupid reasons because I was afraid of growing up. There are no excuses for what I did, I will never do it again but I don't know if I can forgive myself. I'm torn between telling him or not. I don't want to lose him, I love him so much, I made such a stupid mistake. Either way, I feel I destroyed our marriage. If I don't tell him, will I be able to go on with this guilt and try to find a way to move on? I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I know him well, if I do tell him, it will destroy him and I can't bear to see him suffer. What should I do? Please don't judge me for what I did, I really need advice.

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A female reader, Trinklett Canada +, writes (1 June 2011):

Trinklett agony auntI wouldn't tell if I were you. If you want a house full of tension and suspicion then you could say something. But if you want to spend your life with him you'll get over it. It was a kiss, a mistake and shouldn't happen again.

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A female reader, Fate100percent United Kingdom +, writes (1 June 2011):

Normally I think honesty is the best policy, but on this occassion I wouldn't tell him. (It may make you feel better in the short term if you did, but it certainly won't make him)!

You made a mistake, you have learnt that the hard way, but at least it was only a kiss and not an affair! I wouldn't hurt him by telling him as it will make him question every single thing you've ever told him! It is not worth it, just accept you made a mistake and never do it again. If it makes you feel better write a letter to him, telling him, pour your heart out, then burn it! You know the phrase 'Let sleeping dogs lie...'

On this occassion I would let them dogs get some shut-eye! ;-)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011):

Tough question.

If he doesn't know about it or suspect anything then I wouldn't bring it up. If you feel guilty then confess to a therapist or even to your priest if you are religious. Do not confess to your husband as it will damage your relationship. It's just a kiss anyway, right?

If he does suspect something happened, then I think it would be better to confess because his imagination is probably much worse than the reality.

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A male reader, Odds United States +, writes (1 June 2011):

Odds agony auntIf you'd done it just once, that'd be one thing. Anybody can lose control for a second or two, and most reasonable people would forgive that. I'd still advise telling him, but not too strongly, and if he were to come on this site saying "My wife kissed a guy once," I'd tell him to let it go.

But you did this on three occasions (not clear if it was the same guy three times, or three different guys, but it doesn't make much difference). You're feeling guilty because you lacked the self-control to end a mistake the moment it happened. You need to tell him about it, apologize, and stop putting yourself in any situation where you would be tempted to cheat even a little.

Your husband has a right to the truth if you're going to be out kissing other men. Especially if he's helping to buy a house for you and the family you're starting, he deserves to know where the investment of his time, effort, and love is going.

I think he'll forgive you if you confess now, and if you take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again. But you need to be honest on your own initiative, rather than just hoping it goes away.

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A female reader, rocc United Kingdom +, writes (1 June 2011):

You kissed him, as long as there wasn't any affair its okay. Try not to concenterate, and come out of this.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011):

We all make mistakes in life. Don't make another one by telling your husband. What's dine is done. You learned your lesson didn't you? Forgive yourself and move on with your life.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011):

Honesty is always the best policy.

You have relationship issue you aren't dealing with, the complexity of this is tremendous, and goes far beyond what you did.

You have this baby, and then what?

Just suppose your husband turns out to be the best father and husband since apple pie was invented, and it makes you feel like you are a piece of shit about yourself, then you have a baby to raise together. You won't forget what you did, really, you just won't. You are being torn up by it now.

Why?

Because you have a conscience.

5 years go by, your best female friend and her husband divorce because her husband is a cheater, and your husband tells you "I've never cheated on you because of this crap and what happens to people who do that." You can't just stay silent so you say "That's why I've never cheated on you either."

Which means...you lie to him, over and over and over.

In my married life my wife and I have known very well some 6 couples who divorced over infidelity and other issues, some with multiple affairs and drugs and other issues. You never stop hearing about it.

Then, your conscience tells you that you aren't such a good person because you lie to your husband and father of your child, etc, etc, etc.

Hell comes to visit...your sex life gets ruined, you think about what you did every time you pass by a certain place or do a certain thing, etc, etc, etc.

So, you either make a commitment to lie to your husband for the rest of your lives, and live your life as a liar, or you tell him the truth, and get help for your issues that led to the problem.

This did not happen in a vacuum.

"If it really was just a mistake and will never happen again"

You don't know that. Life with children can be very hard. Get help, get professional help, and don't get it here on this forum.

"I know him well, if I do tell him, it will destroy him and I can't bear to see him suffer."

You probably don't know him as well as you think, nor yourself either, because you wouldn't have been cheating if you did and you would have either ended the relationship, or not cheated. Instead, you cheated.

Why? That is the question. That is what a good professional counselor will help you with.

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A male reader, Drew21 Canada +, writes (1 June 2011):

Drew21 agony auntI agree with GeeGee.

We all make mistakes. If it really was just a mistake and will never happen again, i would say either talk to a counselor of some sort (or a Priest, or something) just to get it off your chest, and then move on.

If it ever DOES happen again, at that stage i think you may need to re-examine your marriage and possibly seek some counselling.

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A male reader, olderthandirt United States +, writes (1 June 2011):

olderthandirt agony auntOK, so hubby wals in from work today and says, "Honey , I made out with a chick at work today,I feel terrible about it,it won't happen again." Are you OK with that? are you devestated? That's your answer!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011):

actually that wasn't a mistake, it was done now its done. Be an honest and faithful person and confront your hubby or suffer even worse consequences if he had to find out.

Lets put it this way, imagine if he did that to you. How would you feel?

Be honest and confront him, its better telling the truth then betraying him.

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A female reader, GeeGee255 United States +, writes (1 June 2011):

GeeGee255 agony auntYou made a mistake, and kissed another man, but you didn't allow it to become a full blown affair, you ended it before anything else could happen. And since then you have re-committed yourself to your husband and your marriage and have no desire to repeat it with the other man or anyone else... correct?

So why distroy your him now just to relieve your own feelings of guilt? What good would it possibly serve? Other than to wreak your marriage and his trust in you. If you feel like you have to confess to someone, I suggest you confess it to a priest.

If you thought he could handle it, my advise might be different but you seem pretty sure that he wouldn't be able to so don't.

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