A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,Having some trouble with my boyfriends ex. I am 22, he is my first serious boyfriend, and consequently the first guy I felt comfortable enough sleeping with. we've been together about half a year, but for some weird reason I cannot stop thinking about his ex.I have very strange trust issues-as ive been lied to about various things when I was younger by my alcoholic father, and I feel its affecting my relationships with other people now.when I am with my boyfriend, I have no problems, but as soon as im away from him I get nervous he is texting his ex, thinking about his ex or seeing his ex even though he would have no reason to.a couple months ago she attempted to get him back having cheated on him a year ago, but he stuck with me-which obviously I was extremely happy about, having been very nervous.I just wondered if anyone else has had similar worries in relationships?I'm nervous that my seemingly irrational concerns over his ex ( like whether hes comparing me in general, comparing me in bed, whether his family preferred her etc.) are actually going to drive me away from him-when he has done nothing wrong.I would really appreciate some advise on how to stop thinking about him with his ex, and move on with what I have with him. I really love him, and I don't want to ruin this just because I'm worried about his past.I havn't spoken to him about it as I deem it inappropriate- and I didn't want to seem like the manic new girlfriend wanting to get rid of his ex! (which I guess I pretty much am!! oh dear :s )just any help on keeping calm, and not thinking about her would be great! with love xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): Hi OP,There are a lot of posts about retroactive jealousy on this site (including one from me that I left ~a year ago).I hate to say this, but I was with a guy for a year, he had 4 previous partners and I had 0 (like you), and I ultimately left him because I couldn't handle it. I had become almost obsessed with his exes and was frequently looking them up online (although I did delete my facebook, which was good for me). I saw a counselor every week for months and I just couldn't shake the feeling that he was comparing me to them, and that I wasn't as good as they were (in bed or otherwise). However, my ex-BF did NOT help the situation, because he DID compare me to them (he actually said things like, "Julie used to do this, Ashley was too that) and it really bothered me. And he was "best friends" with two of his exes and talked to them almost daily. That being said, you should definitely talk to your BF about your insecurities. If he's still talking to his ex, I think you have the right to ask him to stop (even though he has the right to say "no"). Finally, my most important piece of advice: Do NOT ask questions about his ex!!! Don't ask what they did together, in bed or otherwise. There is NO right answer for your BF to give. Even if you ask "Am I better in bed?", he'll probably say yes but you'll just assume he's lying. So DON'T ask questions! But if your BF knows you're feeling insecure he might start paying you some extra compliments, and those can be helpful :)Good luck OP, I hope you can get over this! It's not easy (I couldn't do it) but I know it will be worth it if you can get past this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou to peanut butter-that was really helpful. I will work on being more relaxed and staying positive, just concentrating on us, as I really want this to work.
Thanks again for the advise xx
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (22 April 2014):
I would recommend seeing a behavioral therapist, they can help you get rid of this trait, which will definitely affect your relationships.
There are drugs that may make this symptom go away, but if you get off them you'll still have this problem.
My ex was like this. I never would have cheated on her but when I was out with my friends she would be calling me and them trying to see if we were behaving ourselves and if I was really with them. Her issues stemmed from childhood as well.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (22 April 2014):
 Honestly, I think this is something we all go through no matter how many relationships we've been in, how long we've been in them, how old we are or anything else - it is human to worry about losing something we love and it is good that you are considering that it might become a problem because that means that you can do something about it before it does.
I would try and concentrate on the fact that he stayed with you when she had tried to put her claws back in him and realize that he wouldnt be with you if he wanted to be somewhere else and to give him the trust and benefit of the doubt.
A little trust goes a long way and without it you really have nothing and that isn't good for him or you and so you have to try and relax and enjoy each moment as it is and not worry about what tomorrow might bring. By staying positive and concentrating on you and him and putting his ex to the back of your mind as no kind of threat at all, that is what she will become as you make that thought a reality by keeping things positive in your relationship and now dwelling on his past.
We all do get a little tinge of something when we think of our partners being with anyone else but there will come a time in our lives when we're of an age where everyone in the same age bracket is someone elses ex and if you're not about to go off with someone else then why would he?
If you can't bring yourself to move on from this then it will cause problems long term, but if you can believe in yourself and know that you are good for him and you are where he wants to be then you will do just fine and those feelings about her will eventually subside - hopefully all together!
Good luck xx
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