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I've told him he needs to change ...

Tagged as: Cheating, Long distance, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2012) 4 Answers - (Newest, 2 July 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I can't decide whether to break up with my boyfriend of 7 months. We've known each other for years and have been good friends, although living in different countries (we're still in a long distance relationship). Last year, on a visit to see him he told me he was in love with me and had been since the beginning, and since I always felt that love may be on the cards for us I gave it a shot. It seemed like a very romantic fairytale. I quickly fell for him and despite the distance (work commitments keep us apart for at least the next year) we both 'knew' that this was right and started talking about getting married, and having children.

But then I found out he'd cheated on me. Twice. She emailed me. She was an old friend he used to sleep with who was in love with him. He told her about me, and broke things off with her, but with one, or two, last 'goodbyes.' She wanted revenge and got it. I was devastated. He was beside himself. Told me it was the biggest mistake, I was the love of his life, flew to see me to try and make it up. But something 'broke' in me. I've been hurt a lot before and I felt that he was the one person who would never do that to me.

We've stayed together. He is the kindest, most generous, and despite what I've said above (and maybe because of this) most devoted partner. He says he would marry me tomorrow and that he'd never do anything again to hurt me. We also have a lot in common.

But there are some major things holding me back. Despite being nearly 40, with a good job and good wage, he still lives in squalor. I visited him recently and spent days cleaning the flat because it was making me sick. He smokes weed regularly and this is mostly the reason when he forgets to call when he says he will, or falls asleep and I can't get hold of him. He lives on takeaways. When he drinks he can get a strange slightly angry (but not violent) streak. When I ask him to do something he will put it off until it never gets done. He does no exercise (I'm very motivated and look after myself). He says he has been depressed for years and that I am pulling him out of it now. Frankly, I suffer with major depression and I still haven't let things get this bad in my life.

I've told him he needs to change. I don't want someone to fix. I'm hurt enough by the cheating and I need him to sort his life out. If he does, I think we could have a wonderful life together.

I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have any thoughts/advice?

View related questions: cheated on me, depressed, different countries, long distance, revenge, smokes, violent

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012):

Thanks. I'm the person who posted the question. Interesting to see that the extremes in the answers here - they kind of mirror the extremes in my feelings about the situation. Yesterday I told him he needed to give up the weed and the cigarettes. He said he needs to think about it for a few days. So, we'll see. Even then I don't see how that will fix things. At the end of the day - he slept with another women, twice, and lied through his teeth about it when I was at my most vulnerable. However much he loves me, and regrets it, that's always going to be there. Doesn't help that our own sex life is crap. I'm struggling to be attracted to him because he has let himself go and also because of my antidepressants. Time will tell...

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A female reader, Melaniee United States +, writes (1 July 2012):

Melaniee agony auntStick to him, his trying to change for you, these girls contact you because they know he cares for you more and they are jealous of you and by leaving him over this... your letting her win

SO DON'T let them get into you, he's trying to change JUST FOR YOU by breaking things off with these crazy chicks, so give him a chance :)

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (30 June 2012):

aunt honesty agony auntI guess as you know this is a choice you need to make by yourself. It will take a lot for him to change his lifestyle as this is what he is used to. If you feel you can spend the next year apart from him and still be able to trust him well then go for it. But you really need to ask yourself can you truly trust him and not become a paranoid wreck?

As for him smoking weed and being quite unhealthy, this would be a big step for him so maybe you could help him out with this, show him some support and give him some guidance.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012):

"I've told him he needs to change. I don't want someone to fix. I'm hurt enough by the cheating and I need him to sort his life out. If he does, I think we could have a wonderful life together."

And if he doesn't . . .?

"I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have any thoughts/advice?"

Dump him. He's NOT going to change, you're NOT going to fix him, he's already cheated on you TWICE and he's NOT going to sort his life out.

He's not the one with multiple problems and issues, you are. He has absolutely zero to offer you, yet he "TOLD you he was in love with" you and you "FELT love may be in the cards" and so you "'KNEW' that this was right" despite mountains of evidence to the contrary.

What planet are you living on? Get real and wipe the stardust out of your eyes, he's a loser and a cheater and a druggie and a filthy pig who is only going to make your life miserable.

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