A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've (very) recently got together with the absolute girl of my dreams. I thought this would make me happy, but the fact is that sex is a problem. She's very experienced, while the last time I was with a girl was well over two years ago. In fact, none of my experiences with girls have happened any less than ten months apart (and I'm only 23, so you can imagine how much sex that adds up to). Suddenly I have a lot of pressure, made slightly worse in the knowledge that my last sexual partner dumped me after a week for being crap in bed.Truth is I never expected to get with her. I expected to fail miserably, again. And in these long years my sex drive has pretty much atrophied. I still find women irresistably hot, but my brain just isn't convinced that my penis should have anything to do with it. And I can't even remember the last time I got an erection spontaniously.What can I do - quickly - to ensure I don't loose this girl?
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erection, my ex, my penis, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): It's also true that what works with one lover may not work with another as I've found. So everybody starts at square 1 when they start with a new lover. You just have to be open with your new girlfriend, ask her about what she likes and what she's in the mood for. Make up for any clumsiness with lots of humor and cuddles.It actually works in your favor that your girl is experienced, as she may be much less likely to be judgmental, and much more able to help you learn how to please her and yourself. Just don't delay having the conversation with her, start working with her while she's still enthusiastic and full of love for you. If you're worried about your ability to have an erection, let her know that you'd like to start out learning how to please her orally and manually first. Then, if you actually end up aroused, it will be a bonus. Good luck!
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (3 August 2008):
 A good woman will understand this. I wonder, it takes two to have perfect intimacy, maybe it was your ex who was bad in bed? An experienced woman appreciates a man who wants to grow and learn with her. Even the most experienced man can be a total let down if intimacy isn't a growing and learning experience for both.
Please don't sweat this. If she is the right woman, she and you will learn together. Besides, so much of the caring isn't the sexual act itself but all the surrounding actions leading up to the sexual act.
You're here, asking the question, you want to be a good lover and so this I know...you will be a good lover.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): I got divorced when in my 30s, after 11 years with my first wife and only sexual partner. While I had sex much more often than you have had, I really wasn't very good in bed. I was actually boring in my opinion. I dated a couple of women that first year who were much more experienced than me, both having many partners and having had sex in almost any position and with many types of lovers. However, they both thought that I was great in bed. One would tell me wnat to do and the other was satisfied to allow me to learn myself. They thought that I was great because I was very affectionate. Something that I had not been with my first wife. I would gently kiss them, gently touch them, hug then, cuddle in bed, give them oral. These were all things that I didn't do much with my first wife and it made all the difference. I failed to have an orgasm the first time with one of them. She didn't care and tried to make me comfortable the next time.
I think that a good women will happily put up with your lack of experience if you show her that you care about her and try to make her feel good. Take a lot of time before you try to undress her. If you happen to go too slow, she'll let you know. The most experienced one did that with me and led me into the bedroom. She could tell I was inexperienced and was patient because I tried hard to make her feel good.
That last partner of yours was a jerk. In my experience, most women are not like that if you show caring and gentleness to them. Most women are very nice and willing to help you with your inexperience. I think this might even be more true with the more experienced women. The less experienced ones don't know how to help you, but a willing and considerate experienced women will do wonders for your ability and confidence.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (3 August 2008):
 Tell her you are a little nervous as you are inexperienced. Just take it slow, DONT drink a lot of alcohol beforehand and remember that things get better with practice.
This other girl sounds like a total loser. We often have different things we like sexually and half the fun of a new relationship is making it work together. My husband had a lot of experience but didnt always push the right buttons with me so we learned together to find the right things for us x
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (3 August 2008):
 I think you should try to be more relaxed about it. The more you mull it over in your mind the more stressed and worried you are going to feel, and this all contibutes to a poor performance. Find a good time when you are both relaxed and explain things to her maybe, if she is a decent girl then she will most certainly understand. If she is not understanding then is she really worth being with in the first place. If you really like/love someone it should not matter how good they are in bed, it is something a couple can perfect over time.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, lilly123 +, writes (3 August 2008):
 Hi you should talk to her about this because if your feeling all this stress when it doe's happen then its probably is not going to go well.Just tell her she should understand and if she does'nt then she is not worth it, just take things slow.
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