A
female
age
36-40,
*rincessjasmine
writes:The rules book stated that a girl should be reserved, not too chatty, not trying at all to entertain actually but thats a personality trait of mine, i LOVE TO ENTERTAIN, i make ppl laugh, im extremely bubbly and sometimes too hyper. I enjoy being this way and its the real me, if i am reserved i just feel fake (thats not me at all) im not the shy girl, although I notice a lot of shy girls do get men. Im a pretty girl but im not girly or shy or cutesy, I'm not afraid to say im sweating like a pig or joke about boogers, in that way i guess im kinda like a guy, i enjoy making a guy laugh. however, i do seem to either be in the 'random hookup' category or the 'shes a cool friend' category but never the 'shes potential wife' category :(The rules says that being chatty shows ur 'trying too hard to entertain' or 'guys dont like girls who are too chatty, they find them anoying' and maybe some guys do find it annoying, but my thing is, then hes not right for me b/c thats just who i am.What do u say when it comes to 'the rules' about how to "behave" to get a man to like u. I wish I were more reserved, like i get the part where it says dont reveal too much about urself (and i wont) but ill still be silly, im REALLY SILLY too (for example, i told this guy friend of mine im intersted in 'hey imagine u washing my car attracting gay men, by doing the booty shake) or ill start talking to a manacan in a store and just be stupid, is that so wronnnng of me to say silly things like this? i just wana have fun, these rules make me think too hard. What do u think about 'the rules?'
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 June 2010):
Stop worrying so much. That's the thing that will make men wary of you. We'll like the rest, just not the worrying. Quit worrying, and stop thinking about rules.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 June 2010):
 Since you are going abroad in two months, I guess you can forget about the rules, what difference does it make anyway whether you play it right or wrong ?, you'll soon be gone anyway.
More in general though, I see what your problem could be.It's a problem of balance, of finding the middle course ,that it does not come natural to you ,perhaps.
You can't do "shy and withdrawn " ande you don't have to,because it would not be the real you. You are the bubbly,feisty,outgoing type- cool. But. everything in moderation. Do not exceed.
Being witty and good at banter is not the same as being hyper and clowning all the time. It sounds like you have poor impulse control and you are always spouting off the first thing that comes to your mind, and you have realized by yourself that this is not so great.
What can you do to correct that ? First, do not feel that you always have to get attention on you,people will like you and notice you even if every now and then you leave somebody else center stage. If you have a tendency to "mind chatter " take up meditation, it will help you focus and calm down. And when you feel like something is just "coming off your mouth " count mentally up to 5,then see if it's still worth saying.
About the inviting issue, that too is matter of balance. I think a friend can be appreciative and flattered if you invite him somewhere-once,maybe twice. Then you have to leave him the choice and the initiative to reciprocate, if you just keep him peltering with invitations you are gonna make him feel besieged !
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A
female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (27 June 2010):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also have a problem with saying too much like: "you're old" (it just comes out) its def a problem, how do i fix this? lol
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A
female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (27 June 2010):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, I have been feeling very insecure after reading this book, I'm constantly in this state of "should I do this? should I say that?" I agree, being TOO in someones face is not cool, sometimes I do need to calm myself down (go to the restroom and hav a peptalk wiht myself saying, ok calm down) I really just like having a good time. The other rule in the book is "dont be too available" I agree with this rule HOWEVER, I am leaving to teach overseas in 2 months and I really want to enjoy every second I get with this guy, so when he texts/ calls to hang out i say yes. The rules state: do not hang more than twice a wk the first couple months, (but i just met him a month ago) I do agree, i dont wana seem too eager, so I will plan on rejecting one invite, and not say yes everytime, but I still wana see him a lot! What do you think about this rule?Also, what are the rules if the context is 'just friends' like i invite him to places too b/c we're friends (if we were dating i wouldnt) but since i still like him, should i stop inviting him to places? i dont see what the big effin deal is, this is getting so complicated that im feeling obsessive now. Guys, would u still like a girl if she invited u to places or wud u get bored and uninterested?
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (26 June 2010):
 There are probably so many guys reading your question and thinking "this is my dream girl". You sound like a super fun girlfriend! So what, you can crack jokes with the guys - that makes you who you are, and I'll bet a lot of guys will find that comfort really attractive. Those rules are a bunch of crap.
Man, I wish you were my pal... we could chat with mannequins all day. Maybe attempt to steal a bunch and make an army.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): As the previous posters correctly stated there are no rules.
You say in your question that you wish you were more reserved, but you are more reserved when you want to be. I mean you don't go into church and jump up start trying to tell booger jokes in the middle of a sermon do you?
There's nothing wrong being who you are and to me who you are sounds like awesome fun.
I have the same kind of whacky humour, I found it can be a little overbearing at times and while I have no problem with it and my current girlfriend loves it, in the past I've found some girls were embarassed by it. I've discussed this many times with her and while she loves my sense of humour now, when we first started dating she said she might have found it a bit much if I'd let it all out straight away. We all hold back a bit initially in the beginning of a relationship, we want to show our best side afterall.
There's nothing wrong with being silly, even really silly, it's a lot of fun but I've found it's better to introduce that to new romantic interests slowly, to be full on too soon doesn't allow them time to get to know your serious side.
You have to balance that a little until they get to know you better. If they still have a problem with it then, they're just not for you. You don't have to be fake or change who you are to fit to some kind of imaginary 'rules' but try toning it down a little to suit the situation and see what happens. As I said you already know certain situations where you wouldn't act silly because it's not appropriate, this is no different.
Just resist the urge every once and a while, instead of just jumping straight into the joke, have a quick think whether it would be better not to tell a guy interested in dating you that your armpits smell like a dead horse on pile of manure or something. At least not at the beginning anyway.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 June 2010):
Who cares about rules? Men don't want robots. We want A WOMAN. Men are attracted to different women as well. Some like reserved, quiet women. Others like outgoing women. So just continue to be yourself, and you'll find the right guy. Don't be something you're not. Just be yourself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 June 2010):
I never read "the rules " and I have always made my own rules- and ,all in all, it has worked well for me.
In all honesty though, I must admit that I would never be attracted to a man who proclaims he is sweating like a pig
or jokes about boogers ( you say you are like a guy in that, but thanks God not all guys are like that ! ) so I can imagine a man ,on turn, not being too attracted by this kind of things.
I think being funny and a bit of a performer may be an attractive quality- the only problem is that you must be quite sure that you and your "audience " share the same kind of humour ,and find the same things funny...
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A
female
reader, AnOldSoul +, writes (26 June 2010):
Whaaat theeee heeeell are you talking about? Haha... Rules? Never heard we had to obey some rules to be "credible" as women. I think the point here is that you like being different, so you made up some stereotype in your head that contradicts your personality and makes you look different, so you feel special. Or you just watch/read too much of romances, which goes against what you just described yourself as.The thing is... The are no rules. There are loads and loads of different personalties and the only "rule" I heard (excluding those you might find in hystorical romances and old movies) to make a girl or a guy more attractive as a person (not only as a representative of their gender) is: BE YOURSELF.
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A
female
reader, Blonde_J +, writes (26 June 2010):
I think 'the rules' sound like the biggest load of rubbish I've ever heard. If this is a book please do yourself a favour and destroy this damaging piece of literature.
It sounds like you know who you are and you're fairly happy that way - don't let someone elses silly code of how a person should or shouldn't behave undermine your confidence. The right guy will love you for all your 'silly' extrovert behaviour and as you say the guys who don't aren't for you. Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship with some one who is crazy about you, the relaxed happy you, rather than a you who is constantly censoring themselves to make the guy happy? Would you want to be with a guy who was constantly biting his tongue and holding himself back because he was scared you wouldn't like the real him? Of course not. I know that sometimes it can be a bit difficult when your single but fundamentally the only thing you should be is the you you love. Trust me - you'll be much happier in the long run.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 Where on earth did you get these "rules" from? Is this a new book or something? Because it sounds like garbage written by those 3 old women from "ladette to lady"... keep being yourself and forget these "rules"...
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