A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Just a basic question. Is it fair for friends to get angry at you over decisions you make for yourself and your life? For example, recently, I got back together with an ex who I have been on again/off again with for quite some time. And as soon as my one particular friend found out we had gotten back together, she went on a tirade, belittling me, attacking me, and overall making me feel terrible for the decision I made. She compared me to a crack addict going back time and time again, and told me to enjoy my impending pain, and that she wouldn't be there when KT blew up in my face, etc, and just went on and on. Now, I get it that we have broken up and gotten back together, but the relationship has never been physically or emotionally abusive in any way. So my view is that if I wish to rekindle the relationship, that's MY call. It's my life and my choice. The way I choose to conduct my friendships is if they do something I don't believe is a smart decision, I will politely tell them that I think that, and list the reasons why, and then go on to tell them that I still support them fully and will always be there no matter what. Now, if I was placing myself in physical danger or someone else, like an abusive relationship, I could see her reaction. Or if I were actually using drugs, like the comparison she drew. But that's nowhere near the case. This is a relationship I truly want to work and has the chance at being successful. Is is acceptable for friends to pass such harsh judgments on each other when the other person simply doesn't agree with the decision being made by the other?
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drugs, emotionally abusive, got back together, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): Again, you're airing problems with your friendship rather than focusing on why you keep going back to your ex.
Ultimately, she's not a good friend and you shouldn't take any crap from her, BUT you ARE going back to your ex like a drug.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 July 2014):
 So if you and your friend don't see eye to eye on friendship rules and regulations then just go your separate ways. Problem solved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer: what would you have said to me if I had called Justin back (an ex of hers that had called her recently)?
Me: I wouldn't have said anything. It's your life and therefore, ultimately your choices. I support you in any decision you make for your life (I was unaware where she was going with this conversation at this point. I hadn't yet told her of getting back with my ex. My roommate apparently informed her my ex was over at the house. I thought that maybe she WAS getting back together with her ex).
Her: well that's sad. I'd expect you to not enable me. You're going to get your heart shit on. And it makes me angry.
Me: (at this point, recognizing she's referencing my ex and not her own life) oh, you're talking about R (ex)?
Her: what other narcissistic, psychotic, histrionic, heart shitter would I be talking about?
Me: well right now, we are spending time together and seeing how it goes.
Her: you sound like a crack addict justifying their behavior.
Me: well I can assure you I'm no crack addict.
Her: surely you got the analogy.
Me: yes, I got the analogy.
Her: I don't think you did.
Me: I did get it. But the way this conversation is turning is beginning to hurt me. We can talk about this if you'd like, but not put me down.
Her: you know what? Forget it. I hope R shits on your heart again. You clearly don't know how to make smart or rational decisions in your life, so I don't give a damn anymore. Enjoy the impending pain. You really are like a crack addict.
I never responded after that. Haven't spoken in two days. So no, I didn't encourage the behavior or say anything back. I attempted to get her to speak to me like an adult about it without throwing around insults and negative comparisons but that's apparently not what she was interested in doing. She has every right to be frustrated and not like my decision. But I'll be damned if I allow someone I call a friend to speak to me that way. I don't say blatantly hurtful things in my relationships - I certainly won't have it coming from my friendships.
The reason we last split up was because my ex was in therapy for things being worked on that were important to work through first, in order to have a healthy relationship. We both agreed that we loved each other and wanted to make it work, if at all possible, down the road, after therapy had begun to work. Six months later, we agreed to meet up and talk. That was the other night. We hadn't even officially gotten back together yet. Was just over at my house and my roommate took it upon herself to text my friend and inform her! Which is ridiculous in and of itself. Like this is anyone else's business but my own. Then my friend, in response, didn't even bother to ask what was going on. Just went straight into attack mode.
If my ex has made positive steps in therapy and is working through problems, we would be the most happy, and healthy couple I know. And the problems aren't with physical abuse or anything like that. It's just personal issues that sometimes got in the way of us. But my friends don't understand those issues. I've been there and seen the struggle and know everything that happened to R. They don't. The things that happened in our relationship are very personal. And I couldn't expect anyone else to fully understand without fully knowing R and what was happening. My friends legitimately DONT know what went on in our relationship. They just saw that when we split, I was sad. Of course I was! Who isn't sad after a break up?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): When friends get abusive or over-step boundaries, you correct them. If it happens too often, you end the friendship. If she has been all that abusive to you and you let it slide, it will only continue. Just as allowing your boyfriend to comeback again and again.
Eventually, you will learn to set boundaries; and know when it is best to let people go in your life. There are two sides to arguments.
People rarely let people getaway with saying things without saying something back. I'm sure you had a two-way exchange with your friend, and said a few things yourself or she wouldn't have gotten so angry. There are always two-sides to a story. It's easy to add things to make a villain of people who do us harm or make us angry; so we accept what you say on your word alone. Cutting ties with her is always your option. The same goes for the on-gain/off-again boyfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): Now that you've added more, your friend is not a good friend and you should try to put distance between you.
However, I think you need to look in the mirror and stop lying to yourself; if you don't do drama, why do you go back to the same man over and over again, knowing the only outcome each time will be drama and heartbreak?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose while I can certainly understand expressing a dislike or expressing an opinion about the matter, I absolutely can't understand belittling me and wishing harm upon me. So it's acceptable to wish your friend to get hurt because they are doing something you don't like? And it's okay to snap and belittle their decisions/feelings?
As I said, I absolutely expect and respect her desire, as a close friend, to express any opinion she has about my decisions. My friends absolutely have the right to express how they feel about something to me, even if they disagree with me. But nobody has a right to be little my life choices and wish me harm. That, to me, is no friend. And this is not the first time. There have been times in the past I have had to postpone hanging out because I was sick, had finals, or something else. Instead of being understanding, she got angry and yelled at me! Called me a bad friend and carried on and on. Thing is, I drop everything in the world for my friends and she knows that. It was so dramatic and things like that were happening all the time. I've NEVER had a friend get so mad at me over so many things before. Having a romantic relationship is hard enough, let alone practically having two of them. That's how it began to feel - that being friends with her was like having a second relationship. Being her friend has resulted in lots of drama. And I don't do drama. I'm actually quite shocked so many are on her side. It seems really dramatic to me and inappropriate to behave that way. Especially since, no, I really never called her but maybe once or twice over the whole ordeal. If I had cried and carried on for extended periods of time and she had had to deal with me, I could see it. But I deal with my stress and sadness mostly by myself. So when i When I say I don't do drama, i REALLY don't do drama. But I appreciate the opinions.
To me, I always voice my opinion to my friends, but at the end of the day, they make the choices they see best fit for themselves. And it's my duty as a friend to support them in those decisions if it makes them happy - regardless if it's the decision I would have made or not. Thanks to everyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): You're over thirty. A real friend will not tell you what you want to hear. They will let you have it when they see you heading down the same track, where you got run-over by a train.
Re:"Now, I get it that we have broken up and gotten back together,"
People who love you want the best for you. They tire of standing by you, and watching a mature woman with reasonable experience; just make the same mistake over and over.
You my dear, are the one being unfair.
No one has to to sit and watch you put yourself through the same drama again and again; and not have a right to speak their piece. She cares deeply enough, and she is passionate enough, about the situation that she ranted on you.
Sorry, but that's me too. I don't sugar-coat or butter people up to prove my friendship. I'm there in the trenches with you; and if they do something dumb, I'm going to tell my friends exactly like it is.
I expect the same in return.
You don't always see clearly where love is concerned. Or, if you are "addicted" to a person.
I've had the same friends for decades. They know I don't mince words, and I watch their backs. I tell them straight-up; as I do OP's on DC. People comeback through IM's to thank me and ask for more. They appreciate the frankness; because they realize their judgement may be clouded. They need a dose of truth to help them back on track and to get them thinking. As your friend has.
You are addicted to your boyfriend, and you cannot move forward to allow yourself to find someone better for you.
Your friend is a strong woman, and she's quite correct. Addiction to a person is like being addicted to a drug. Scientifically, the same brain chemicals are produced when you breakup with a person; as when you go cold-turkey with an addictive drug.
Your brain produces the feel-good endorphins oxytocin and serotonin. The love hormones.
When the supply is cut-off, you crave them like a drug.
These chemicals are responsible for how we attach to another person; and create the euphoria we feel when around those we love and care for. Your friend is right on the money.
She wants to see you do better, and find the love you deserve. Your anger with her is unjustified. Her anger with you comes from the right place, and for the right reason.
You are a grown woman, and surely you make your own choices. She has been loyal as a friend; and she has a right to voice how she feels about what you're doing. Like it or not. You've used her for her loyalty and support. So don't be so uppity, self-righteous, and unappreciative.
You can't afford to lose good friends like her.
She IS showing her support!!! By giving you her honest opinion. By shaking you up and setting you straight!
I would value her friendship much more than the others. Knowing she would be so passionate in her feelings; that she would jeopardize our friendship by giving me the "slap" needed to bring me back to reality. My advice comes from the heart. It isn't always sweet and sappy.
You can paint rosy pictures of what YOU may call friendship; but what you're really saying is "you can't give him up!!!" She called you on it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): Maybe you're questioning the wrong thing.... Why not sit in your friend's shoes and ask yourself: "why should I stick around to watch my friend make up and break up with the same guy when it's blatantly obvious they're not meant to be together and it will only end up in heartache each time?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI behaved like a normal person would behave when they were dealing with a breakup. I certainly wasn't excessively overbearing or dramatic. I'm NOT that type of person. I called and talked about it and she came over a time or two and we watched TV and drank tequila. Lol. That's about it. I didn't blow up her phone every five seconds crying and acting riciculous. That's really not my style.
All of my other friends, who have been there in the same way she was, are all saying generally the same thing - that they think it may be a bad idea, but they love me and support my decisions. And if I'm happy, they're happy. And if it blows up in my face, they will always be there.
I get it that she feels as though she has been there and that I'm making a poor decision. But the way I conduct my friendships is very much that as long as you aren't in physical danger, or placing another in physical danger, I will back my friends up. I will tell them that it may be a bad idea and that I wouldn't make that choice, personally, but that even if the whole world comes crashing down on them over and over, I'll be there to pick up the pieces time and time again. To me, THAT'S what friends do. And I can guarantee you I don't just talk the talk. I walk that walk. It's my code of ethics for my friends. Which I think is why this offends me so much. I feel very strongly about it. I, personally, feel as though it's unacceptable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): Why have you and your boyfriend been on and off again? Why has it never worked?Who did you go crying to each time it didn't work out?What has changed now that makes you think it's a good idea to start yet another relationship with him?I suspect you are glossing over the details that make your decision look bad. But take some time out to reflect on the answer to these questions. Ultimately, you are an adult and you make your own decisions but your friend probably knows the ups and downs you've been through and has watched this cycle repeat itself time and time again.I have a friend who is with a man who is just not good for her. She used to tell me in detail about his personality and what he does and how he treats her. Now I have no respect for him. I cannot help but suggest breaking up everytime she complains now.So my solution has just been to not talk about him. I'll hang out with her and ask about every aspect of her life except him. If we talk about him, all I now say is I hope you are happy and I move on. But it still hurts me to see her settle. You do what you want but there are some concrete reasons why he has been in and out and she has been by your side this whole time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): Most friends are actually not all that supportive when it comes to break ups, they are afraid of the powerful emotions of a bad break up and say a lot of insensitive things. I lost or cut contact with nearly all of mine due to various reasons after a terrible break up and although it was another devastation it has relieved me of some stress of that at least. If she has been dealing with all of your on off again stresses she is probably fed up with it and she probably genuinely feels he is not good for you. I think she over-eacted. You have to decide whether to talk it out with her or to cool it for a while or to end it. I know I got fed up listening to constant stress of a dispute between two mutual friends for an entire summer. I don't see either of them anymore but the last time I spoke with one, the other had called her mother to tell her never to contact her again. I'm glad I'm not a part of all of that anymore. I still feel badly treated in the situation for various other reasons. It was pretty complex, but what can you do. I don't want them in my life anyway except maybe for a card here and there or an occasional phone call. I'm sure the two will be talking again at some point as one vowed never to speak to the other and then ended up asking her to be in her wedding.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 July 2014):
 My guess is you relied on her whenever you broke up. She helped you back on your feet emotional and now you went right back to something that OBVIOUSLY doesn't work long term. A relationship that is on and off doesn't really work. It's a temporary relationship.
Maybe she has just had enough of the drama.
Honestly, I can see her point. I have been in her shoes with a friend who kept taking her loser of a BF/EX-BF back and then come whine to me when things broke down.
However, I chose to cut her out of my life because the drama she would create in mine. (aside from her relationship).
If you feel she crossed a line, then cut her off.
I do agree that friends should be supportive like Janniepeg says, BUT they should also be GOOD enough friends to let a friend know that they are making a screwed up choice. You can take to heart what she said, or dismiss it and her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): On-off relationships are just proof people aren't compatible long-term because you wouldn't keep breaking up if you were meant to be together. So, her being fed up is actually understandable - like when Selena Gomez goes back to Justin Bieber (my sister talks a lot about how fed up she is and she's a fan of both!), so the point is that it's difficult to watch someone you care about keep going back to a relationship that keeps failing.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 July 2014):
How have you behaved in the past when you've broken up with the ex? Have you sobbed and screamed and carried on and on? Maybe she is fed up with all your drama and just wanted you to know she wasn't willing to go through it all since she has been through it time and time again.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 July 2014):
 No it's not acceptable. If she got angry it could be two reasons. She has been possessive of your time since you became friends and your boyfriend took you away from her. Second is that she has an issue with men. Had been duped by men and now seeing you getting vulnerable to be in this position again made her project her negative feelings onto you. You being with your boyfriend is forcing her to deal with her unpleasant feelings again. Maybe she had been hurt in the past and the attacking you was more about protecting herself from bad boyfriends than directing it at you. Friends should be supportive. She is full of herself and can't be a good listener. You may want to limit what you tell her in order to trigger anything.
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