A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been friends with a widower for about 3 years, before he became a widower actually. His wife passed away very suddenly about 2 years ago, they were very close. We started off as just friends, I was trying to re-engage him, his health was poor and he wasn't interested in life. Eventually he sought medical help and he's very much his old self now. I slowly fell for him. He's 19 years older, 56 to my 37. If it were any other guy I'd say he's interested as well. He flirts, he's willing to spend time when I come over (we live in different cities), email twice a week or so, helps me with anything I ask... I tried to keep it as it is, but in the end told him how I felt. He implied he knew (doesn't help that his first language is my second) but said he wants to remain single for the rest of his life, and that there are many other younger men out there. I have my youth and a future etc, that type of talk.One issue is in his society, a woman would definitely marry and have children. No variations on that theme. He doesn't know I don't want children. Though I don't want to bring the matter up again, I am planning to send one email on this subject, just stating my needs. He seems alright now, his son just got married, so my widower stays with only with his elderly father. I guess what I'd like an opinion on is, if it's a possibility he needs more time, or if I should just squash all hope and move on... Any advice would be very much appreciated!
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female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (29 May 2013):
He may or may not need more time. Only he knows. It's possible he's still grieving his late wife. All of us deal with death differently and he may not even be in the frame of mind to even consider having a relationship. E.g after a relationship breakdown, alot of us swear we'll never date again etc but once we've healed properly, we begin to want love again. The age gap is also a factor. I understand only too well as I've only ever dated older men but by 10 or 12 yrs older than me, never more than that. You're young and have alot more to come in life whereas he may feel 'past it'. Well done to you for making your feelings known to him. That takes courage. Unfortunately if he's turned you down, it's likely he means it. Possibly just for now or maybe forever. Don't waste your time waiting for him to change his mind though. You'll be risking losing the possibility of meeting someone who's interested and ready now. Don't settle for anything less that a man who wants to be with you here and now and 100%.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): This isn't about having children. His statement was very clear. He wants to remain single for the rest of his days. He doesn't want a relationship. He is doing you a HUGE favor by being honest with you. You can either respect his wishes and remain friends or continue to pursue a relationship and be hurt even more. The choice is yours. Best of luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): He is 56 years old; and he is pretty set in his ways at that age. Your infatuation with this man is unfortunate. He has decided he doesn't wish to remarry. What part of no, do you not understand regarding his decision?He is not of full health (still in recovery), he may have issues with erectile dysfunction at such an age (or due to medications); and most importantly, he lost his wife. He may not be up to the task of having a younger woman as his wife; which is not as easy as you may perceive. You are already demanding him to see things your way. He may not be able to participate in activities that a healthier younger man in your age-group is capable of. This would keep him in a constant state of guilt and frustration. If not embarrassment.He has a family from his prior marriage, and will probably have grandchildren at some point. He apparently found all the fulfillment he needed from his wife, and feels no one can take her place. Try to be more understanding and less selfish. Respect her memory, if you please. He is also caring for his aging father. This will limit his time and may consume much of his time and attention. He seems more willing to assume that responsibility.In all fairness and kindness; he advised you to seek a younger man, and have a good life. Not desiring children will not magically induce to him fall in love with you, and want to marry you. He has to be on the same page emotionally to even consider the possibility.The decision to marry someone should include a mutual agreement to do so, and love should be the most compelling reasoning behind it.He doesn't seem to be in love with you, although he may appreciate your company and companionship. Why would you go and attach your feelings when he isn't reciprocating? You can send him an e-mail if you wish. It will probably prove therapeutic to express your feelings; but don't expect him to change his position about marrying you.Pressuring him to consider marrying you may force him to end any association with you altogether. Not only that, he has to consider how his son may respond to him marrying a younger woman, after the death of his mother. Although children of the prior marriage have no say, their feelings are to be considered.Especially a close lady-friend he knew prior to her death. Imagine the implications. He owes more respect to her memory than that. I think he has made that point reasonably clear to you on his own.Maybe down the road, he may decide he wants another woman in his life. That could be years from now. it may not be you. Did you ever consider he may still be in grief? Some people grieve the loss of a spouse for the rest of their lives. He doesn't have to explain that to you; because it is highly personal, and it should be presumed in consideration of all the circumstances involved.
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