A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I’m at such a loss, I’ve really fallen deeply in love with a man (we’ll call him Larry) who is an alcoholic. I try to tell myself that it isn’t an issue, but deep down I guess it always will be won’t it? I have known Larry for a long time (hes done work on my car over the years) we both came out of rubbish relationships around the same time. I was in a really emotionally and financially abusive relationship, he was with a serial cheat, we shared a few cheeky messages at the beginning of the year, which lead to a kiss, then lead to us sleeping together after a few weeks, it was soley casual, we both agreed it was fun, it’s really good ….. and that was genuinely it, then over the months we started spending a bit more time together. Then in august we went away for a cheeky night and he told me he loved me, I said it back without even anticipating! Now we’re almost a year into this, spending nearly every day together, he stays over regularly, hes met my children, it just feels so right and so perfect, but I can’t help but have a feeling that I’m too deep in and I’m gonna end up hurt He’s ex military, PTSD, and I guess he self soothe with drink, he isn’t a violent drunk, he isn’t angry, or loud, or nasty, he just drinks, some days it might be 3/4 cans of lager, some days it might be 30 cans of lager, but the damage he’s causing to himself doing it, there’s no coming back from for his health, and it petrifies me. He tells me constantly he loves me, he would never do me wrong, cheat, lie, he treats me so right, so why do I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake? Can we have a happy ending? ??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2023): We choose who we get into a relationship with - why we bother, why we see advantages to it, why we decide to begin it or end it. It's calculated - if we are smart. Just as we calculate where we will work and which jobs are not worth accepting because they are too far away or the pay is bad or the hours are too long or unsocial. You talk as if our life ends up this way due to bad luck! You are the person who decides how your life is now and in the future. The more realistic it is the more likely it turns out the way you want. You choose if you waste time on the wrong jobs, situations and people. Nobody here can choose for you, to be frank, most are too busy looking out for themselves. If you are smart and can advise people about relationships, and get well paid for it, come to askagonyauntsadviceonline.com now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2023): According to all you say both of you have a history of being victims, you say you had a terrible relationship which was abusive. People need to stop and think more about who they get into a relationship with. Date, find out about a person, keep them at arm's length emotionally and sexually until you know them well enough and like what you know. You rush in and then talk as if your choice of partner is down to bad luck. You chose this man. It had nothing to do with luck. You can un-choose him too. You ought to be considering your children's welfare more too, I would never allow a drinker around my kids. Think ahead more, be more cautious about who you sleep with and fall in love with, you are acting like a teenager.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2023): There are two types of problems. One type is where things just happen to you and you cannot stop them - a flash of lightning, a bus riding over you, a dodgy pie bought at the local deli, a mugger attacking you. But most people invite problems into their lives and make sure they have at least one big problem - a dodgy boyfriend, spending all of their money and getting into debt, eating badly and getting diabetes 2 etc.You must like drama or sympathy as you make a point of going out and inviting unnecessarily problems into your life. You meet an alcoholic and instead of telling yourself the sensible thing and staying away you embrace it and all that goes with it. You then write to a bunch of amateur agony aunts online asking for advice and wanting them to say that yes he will change, yes he will make you happy, yes he will see the error of his ways etc. How on earth can this bunch of amateur agony aunts know if he will value his future life and happiness enough to do this? You are far more likely to be able to work that out than they are. But you already know the answer, this is why you struggle, because you know the answer is that he will carry on with his drinking and self harm.But you are co dependant on him, you are just as bad. He embraces drink when it is bad for him, and will ruin him, and you embrace this pointless damaging man and a relationship with him. He makes bad choices and so do you.Both of you will learn that bad choices mean bad things happen later. Asking people online to reassure you will not change that.I know what it is like to meet and want an unsuitable person. The man might be too old, lazy and skint, married etc. This is when a sensible person works out what the man is like first, then decides to walk away before they get too keen, then makes sure the door is firmly closed so he cannot come back.You must make a decision. He has made his. His is to continue to drink. Yours is whether or not you stay with such a man - who puts drink before his future and happiness and your happiness, or whether you wise up and end it with him. Only you can decide this. You are very very lucky that you have a choice, many people get terrible problems through no fault of their own. I know a person who woke up one morning to find they were totally blind. No fault of their own. It ruined their life. If you choose to stay with this man it is your fault, your choice and it will ruin your life. All of the sympathy and all of the telling you what you want to hear won't change that.You will probably try to become your guy's therapist, you are not trained in therapy or experienced enough to, but you will tell yourself that you can change him and make things ok. You cannot. The fact you have to ask strangers, unqualified strangers, for advice, proves it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2023): Encourage him to see a therapist for PTSD and / or join alcoholics anonymous.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2023): I can't believe the timing of this question. I lost my father two weeks ago to liver cirrhosis. He was a wonderful man who couldn't give up alcohol and ultimately lost his life, causing a lifetime of grief to my mother and to my brother and I. We were the perfect family, there were absolutely no problems other than the fact that my father did not take care of his health.
I would never wish for this to happen to anyone, believe me. Can you have a happy ending? Well maybe you can be very happy together but he will ultimately lose the battle to alcohol. It happened to my father and it will happen to him for sure if he doesn't quit.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 November 2023):
 You can bring it up to him that you feel he needs to seek help, that YOU would like for him to stick around for decades to come and it's not likely he will with his drinking.
HE has to make the choice to get help and stop drinking. Unfortunately, it might ALREADY be too late for his liver. I have a niece who is 25 and she has chronic liver failure due to drinking. She has quit the alcohol, but it might not change the outcome for her liver.
You need to have a talk.
Just remember you CAN NOT make the choice FOR him or "make" him quit, he has to work that out.
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