A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I got married almost a year ago to a wonderful man. Trouble is, I’ve absolutely come to detest his mother and his family.I met my husband at my place of work; we had a fairy-tale romance and finally a dream wedding. When my husband used to take me to meet his parents, I sensed a very subtle hostility from his mother. My husband is 8 years older than me and refused to get married to anyone before he met so, so understandably his parents were worried for him being single. He used to tell me that they’re apparently over the moon that he’s finally decided to get married…but frankly I never saw it. His mother was never very welcoming of me from day 1. Possibly the most irritating thing that I saw developing into a pattern with her was that she would always ALWAYS compare me to her other daughter-in-law, my husband’s younger brother’s wife, Melissa. No matter what we were talking about, she would always find a way to mention her, quote her or cite her as an example. If we would ever sit and talk, it would always be, “Oh you won’t do that? But Melissa did”. Or, “Oh you said that? Melissa says the exact same thing”. Or, “Oh you don’t know what so-and-so means? Melissa does. You can’t cook this? Melissa can. The clothes that you wear are so different from Melissa’s. Oh you’re working on your laptop, Melissa does the exact same thing when she’s here. ” I mean come on!!!As conceited as it sounds, I am way more educated than Melissa, I come from a well-to-do educated family and am much better looking. I am not saying that these are ever factors but why compare me to her, of all people, in everything? Even my husband agrees that it’s odd and annoying to bring her up in everything. I tried to just laugh it off initially but gradually I saw it developing into a pattern with my MIL, as if she says it to just irritate me. My husband says that he tried talking to her and she agrees that it’s irritating and she won’t do it again…but of course she does. I never liked this Melissa person from day 1 because I found her to be very cunning and conniving, who panders to my MIL, more so now that I’m in the picture. Even if I want, I can’t do that. I cannot for the life of me pretend to be something that I’m not. If I’m ever at my MIL’s place and I’m alone with her, she has basically just 2 topics to talk about.1. Melissa2. The number of girls who were “interested” in my husband and how he kept refusing to marry anyone…and she always prefaces this by telling me not to tell my husband whatever she’s telling me. I find this to be terribly inappropriate…imagine telling *me* of all people, that my husband had such “good” girls chasing after him and that he refused to marry any of them!!My husband is the older of her two sons and her favorite. Once, just less than a week after we were married, I was at her place, she said something terribly rude to me that basically crossed all boundaries of decency. I had had enough by then so I told her very calmly that she couldn’t talk to me in that way and I wasn’t going to take it. My husband too, who normally is very quiet, stood up for me. My MIL went absolutely ballistic and started screaming at my husband saying things like, “look how this woman’s poisoned you, you believe her and not your own mother, how can you believe a girl who’s been here for 4 days and not me, you’ve changed so much….”To say that I was shocked is an understatement because never in my life had I seen anyone behave in such an uncivilized manner. I quietly walked out and waited for my husband in the car because we had to catch a flight and were about to leave anyway.She called me the next day to apologize but honestly, nothing has changed. She’s still very hostile towards me, she still leaves no stone unturned to compare me to Melissa even though my husband has categorically told her not to because it’s absurd.My husband's father…well I guess I’ll need a whole different post for that. He’s the poster man for male chauvinism. I know now that he doesn’t get along too well with his wife to the extent that they don’t even sleep in the same room, yet she seems servile towards him and is forever trying to please him and make him happy. He’s always angry and bitter, snapping at people and always ready to snap people’s heads off. He also constantly glorifies himself, talks about how great he is, how marvelous he was at his job, how he knows everything under the sun, that he knows a lot of “big” and important people and even the Prime Minister could learn a thing or two from him.Anyway, him I can deal with but I guess what I’m asking is, why is my MIL this way with me? I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to provoke her or said anything to be rude to her, I love her son, I take care of him, I’ve provided him with a comfortable home, I cook for him, I do everything that I can to keep him happy and so does he. He loves me to death and is also very disturbed by his mother’s behavior. He knows how much she’s hurt me and how terrible she’s been to me for no fault of mine and he always says the same, thing, “I know she has nothing personal against you, she’s just crass, ignore her”. The thing is, she *does* seem to have something personal against me and plays her cards really well. She’s good to me in front of him, she tells people that she apparently is so fond of me and sees me as a daughter, so no one will even believe me when I say that she’s so f*ing awful with me….and she has a whole different face with me. Why is she doing this? And how much should I tolerate? Should I stop all interactions with her? I’ve told my husband that he can do what he wants for his family, I’m out of the equation. Is that the right way to go about it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): A big thank you to all the wonderful aunts who have taken the time to reply to my post. It means a lot to me that you have all helped me in ways that you probably don't even realize and I feel a lot stronger, more confident to deal with the situation.
I think I mostly had the same suspicion which most of you have confirmed...she's jealous of me and feels threatened because all of a sudden her son has been taken away from her and is now with another woman. I also agree that the fact that her husband doesn't like her and gives her no love or respect is enough to make anyone unhappy. That being said, as my husband says, her behavior towards me is absolutely unjustified . It's as if she is trying to misbehave with me just because she's unhappy and because I've taken her son away! Her son had made it very clear to his family that he wants to marry me and no one else and I think this too took her by surprise because this was a man who was vehemently against marriage.
I also think at the woman suffers from depression because her behavior is certainly not normal even on a day-to-day basis. She seems very happy and "normal" sometimes and very ill-tempered and unpredictable the other times.
She's also been complaining about her health off late and my husband was very worried so he got her to have all her tests done. She has absolutely no illness yet complains all the time. I suspect that she does this for attention because she's seen that if she grumbles about her health, my father-in-law has no option but to ask her how she's doing, he accompanies her to the doctor and her sons call her more often.
As for Melissa, this is what I've come to realize from reading the answers here. Melissa and her husband stay in another part of the world while my husband and I stay a few hours away from his parents. When Melissa realized that my husband was getting married, she went on an overdrive to please the MIL and even got pregnant right before our wedding. She has in all likelihood sensed that there is a problem with the MIL and me and has since then gone all-out to please the MIL by calling her numerous times a day, inquiring about the health and generally playing the cute, affectionate, concerned card. i just cannot for the life of me fake anything like this and I cant even seem to even remotely show someone that I like or even tolerate them if I don't.
I have completely stopped speaking to my MIL over the phone. I'm sure she knows clearly by now that if she doesn't like me then I don't like her either. My husband talks to her daily, as I think any son should, and I have absolutely no problem with that. In fact, more often than not I remind him that he should call her and ask how she's doing. I can never stoop to her level and I will never ask my husband to choose between his family and me. I have decided that I will keep my interaction with them to a minimum and my husband has assured that he will stand up for me then and there if MIL talks even the slightest bit of nonsense with me.
I will write again for advice if I need help. Thank you all for being so helpful :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2016): Maybe she just doesn't like you and you're going to just have to face it for the sake of your husband. Playing one person off against another is one way of her controlling the situation. Putting you in your place. The whole comparing scenario can be a mother thing when she creates rivalry between siblings. Narcissism is a little more complex than a person who is self obsessed so maybe or maybe not. Either way you married this guy and you married his family I'm afraid. If I was you I'd put up and shut up. The less you say the more her bad attitude will show up as she gets no reaction from you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2016): Sorry but If she was Narcissist, she would not be buffing up Melissa she would only be buffing up HERSELF! and she is not her mother.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2016): My heart sank when I read your post. Mainly because this situation won't change. However you can change your response to it. As someone who learnt the hard way I would highly recommend you read about narcissistic mothers as her 'entitlement', tantrums, manipulation and controlling actions are all classic. If you keep trying to some how solve this and her toxicity you will be exhausted. In reading in detail about narcissistic mothers you will I feel sure find your best path to dealing with her.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 January 2016):
 I don't think you should take this personally at all. I know that you do, and it's hard not to, but here's why she's doing it, I believe:
1. Her son was the one who "never" married. She got used to it, and he was all hers, for as long as he didn't marry. That's why he became the favourite. The same happens with siblings who have kids and some don't have kids. The ones without kids are always the favourite aunt/uncle. I guess this happens because the unmarried one/the one without kids simply has more time to give off themselves. She became used to this over the years, it became a habit. It will take more than just one year of marriage to adjust.
2. She's used to Melissa. You're new, but Melissa is old and familiar. It's natural to compare the new to the old. It's a way of familiarizing yourself with it. Sure, it's not appropriate to loudly compare, but she strikes me as a woman who doesn't have the hang of social code and does this just because she doesn't think twice. Not because she's a cruel person or because she wants to upset you. Her reaction of comparison is natural, much like you (I am sure) have compared your new boyfriends to your past ones, in order to figure out of this new relationship is right for you or not. You need some sort of fixed point in order to know what's up and down. Your MIL uses Melissa as a fixed point in order to learn about you and learn how you are different from Melissa. It's not to say any are better or worse, but it's a comparison in order to figure out who you are, as opposed to Melissa. This too will fade in time as she gets to know you.
3. It's not about you. Other people really, honestly, do not find you that important. They do not go out of their way to bother you or annoy you or be cruel to you. That takes energy, and they'd have to be pretty hard core obsessed with you in order to do these things intentionally to hurt you or bother you. It's not about you at all. When people do things, or say things, it's always about themselves. We human beings are by default self centered and narrow minded. We're programmed this way. So there's not point asking "what did I do" or "why does she do this to me". The question is rather this "what kind of person is she?" "Why does she say the things she say?". Take the "me" and the "I" out of it. You're not the reason for any of what she does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): Yep I would stay clear she will carry on trying to out do you. She obviously has not taken to you for whatever reason and i doubt that she ever truly will . I think you are two people who are very different but neither better than the other....just different. Some people simply clash without real reason and some have self esteem issues, not you! but maybe her.When she keeps stressing about how many 'other women' were so good and chased her son, yet HER SON refused to marry any of them.....suggests to me, that she is letting you know that he is capable of attracting many choices of women and that you are not 'ALL THAT'. This is what i am picking up on with your situation.Poster: (As conceited as it sounds, I am way more educated than Melissa, I come from a well-to-do educated family and am much better looking). Although you never actually said this, you 'think it' thus 'believe' it and this type of attitude may reflect outwards to her. There is nothing at all wrong with healthy self love and confidence and a high self esteem, and having stable roots of a well to do educated family , but to others who do not have the above, they may feel threatened and view a person as snooty, and arrogant. (Mother in Law, sorry outlaw) Maybe this conceited (your word, not mine)attitude actually reveals itself when you are in her company and it pisses her off. In fairness, you have reflected this type of thinking to ever suggest that you are BETTER. She uses Mallissa as your 'competition' because she can not compete. Please do not rise to the occasion, they are both in on it and Melissa's ego will be thriving off the extra attention.She acted rudely towards you, i agree, and I think (possibly) that she thinks you are stuck up. She is acting acting like a moron and should be ashamed of herself. For a number of reasons, hurting her son, using Mallissa as a pawn to score points, been hostile to you 'unfairly' and last but not least, because she should know better as a human being..that no education, wealth or looks, or well to do families mean anything of true status...only the spirit and good character of a person holds real stock. You do sound very tolerant and i think she has self esteem issues. Pop in law, has an inflated ego and delusions of grandeur. Be happy :) we will never live in a civilised world...it's the colour of life and all it's quirky people that make it interesting.p.s I respect your last comment about allowing your husband the freedom to still be with his family (not having to choose), that's a good egg!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): There's a thing my dad mentioned called inverted snobbery. He comes from a working class family who put him through university and he's very well spoken, had a fantastic job and did well for himself. Where I live people are working class and he's found that some people automatically don't like him because they don't like anything associated with being well educated and they elevate things that they think are just like them. So maybe when they met you and noticed you are an educated person coming from a well to do family they thought you were the one who was a snob and that's why your father in law tries to big himself up and Melissa along with them as she's like it too. But in fact they are the snobs and they just do't realise it.If I were you I'd just be polite in their company or just let your husband go and see them by himself. You don't have to have a relationship with in laws if you really don't want to.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 January 2016):
 He's a mommys boy and she feels that you have taking him away from her. I agree with what advice you have got from here so far, however I don't think you should shy away from his family, it will give them more to complain about. Be the bigger person, smile be polite, try not be left alone with his mother and be as nice as you can be. That will annoy her even more, if you where to avoid her then she would feel like she won. Don't give her that satisfaction. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (22 January 2016):
 It sounds like there are several things going on with your MIL.
She's unhappy in her marriage and is trying to please a man who doesn't appreciate her. That right there will make a woman snipey and unhappy.
You took her favourite son whom no other woman could catch (but you did!!!) and deep down inside I think she's jealous and feels threatened by you.
Leave Melissa out of the picture if at all possible because anything snarky you say will just bring you down to your MIL's level and she wants to piss you off. Melissa is more than likely a two faced back stabber but she sucks up to the MIL..you really can't win with this.
I offer this suggestion only because it worked for me with an inlaw. I had an incredible MIL..she was the sweetest kindest woman I had ever met and I was very blessed to have her. She was the mother I WISH I would have had.
Her husband??? A whole different story. My FIL was a pain in the butt. He was loud, very opinionated, uneducated, racist, and vulgar. The minute you walked in the door he would start telling you how you dressed wrong, your make up was wrong, your purse was wrong..you name it. God forbid if you opened your mouth about work...Deep down inside I know he did mean well but he was just so intent on telling people what he thought and he did not have any restraint..he would never think before he spoke. And God help you if you didn't agree with his opinions...
The first month I was married he started something with me and I confronted him head on. It caused a family fight that went on for 2 weeks...I was the bad guy. UGH!!!!
So I learned to just smile politely and agree with everything the man said..yes sir, no sir..oh of course I agree. It was nauseating but inside I was laughing thinking "god what a clown...." "What a racist..." etc...
It kept the peace. It just wasn't worth all the drama that was stirred up by fighting with him. He was an idiot and wrong about 95% of the time but it got to the point where I just tuned out everything he said. I knew he never had anything important to say, so why listen? I also started going to less and less family functions stating I had too much work...I would meet up with my MIL for lunches, I adored her and she knew what a jerk her husband was so it never hurt our relationship.
If you can't do that, then just stay away from her and let your husband deal with her, its his mom after all, not yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): As long as you are married to your husband and your MIL is alive, you will have to deal with her ways. Accept the fact that she is who she is, and stick around only as long as you can tolerate her. Make fewer visits and let your husband deal with his parents alone.
Don't hold a grudge against Melissa, or you're the same as your mother-in-law. If she senses your hostility towards her, expect her to give you the same in return. I think you're over-sensitive and play too much into your MIL's hands. She knows how to push your buttons and gets sadistic pleasure out of seeing you squirm. If you don't react, she gets no pleasure. Bottom-line, she simply doesn't like you for whatever reason. Over-time, she'll get older and older and all this changes.
You'll grow a thicker skin and eventually become immune; only because her behavior is so repetitious and predictable.
You'll grow a callous for her and what she says will go in one ear and out the other.
My advice? Give her a smirk, shake your head, and just say "I love you too mother dear!" Kill her with kindness and be on your merry way. Whether she approves of you or not, you're married to a good man and she really doesn't matter that much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): Your husband is her favorite as you say. There will never be a good enough a woman for him. Preferably, he should always stay single and be focused on his family (mother, father etc.)
You can't win here. She'll do everything she can to provoke you. However, you have the upper hand. She will lose her son unless she behaves.
Don't trash his family in front of him. Let him do it. You have the right not to see them, but it will complicate things for him. Talk to him and make a unanimous decision. You have to present a united front.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): Yes, I would just stay away. If you have done your best and know that your not in the wrong then just stay away from then, she sounds like she's jealous of you and try's to make you feel jealous of Melissa.
Pathetic really isn't it.
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