A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a guy for only 2 weeks and I'm unsure as to what his intentions are. Basically ever since the very 1st day he has bee super into me, always texting, always ringing, multiple times a day, and always 1st thing in the morning and last thing before bed. He's always wanting to be with me and hes been really sweet.He says he can't believe someone like me would be interested in him, which I've told him is just ridiculous, as I was the one who 1st showed my interest in him.He knows I want to take things slow as I've been in a relationship last year and don't want to rush anything. He says hes fine with that and he really hasn't pressured me into anything at all.However I do feel as though its a bit intense at this stage, and although I'm enjoying it, there is just 1 thing that's been bothering me.He lets me pay for most things, whether it be takeaways, food shopping ( but then he will cook the food then clean up), and drinks. He said he was having a problem with his bank card, which may be true, but still, how do I know that?He lives in a shared house and I have my own place, so it's been easier to see each other at mine, but then I'm wondering is he using me for free food and drink and to stay in my place as its more private than where he lives with his house mates. I don't think he has much money and he does watch what he buys when food shopping. I don't, I just see something I like and stick it in the basket without thinking too much about it. I love food, but I hate shopping and I hate cooking. He on the other hand likes shopping and getting it really cheaply and he is really into his cooking as he used to work in a kitchen.So in that way I guess we would work well together as a team. He has offered to help me with my food shopping in terms of planning it and get the best offers etc, so I thought that was good? But then I'm thinking does he mean so that he can help me eat it too?I don't mind spending my money on friends and stuff, but not when it's just me paying for everything. Then again he did say he had a prob with his bank card...I just don't know. When hes with me, like this bank holiday weekend he spent all 4 days with me, doing what I wanted, it didnt cost anything, apart from a few drinks which we shared the cost, then we also got a takeaway ( I paid) then he cooked 2 meals for us, I paid the majority and hes been helping me eat breakfasts too. I bought a few bottles of wine too.I know, as I said, it's sounding very intense at this stage. And I think it is a little too much. I know it's not just about sex, as he is willing to wait, and agreed to getting tested etc when I brought it up.Hes very attentive towards me, he cuddles up in bed, asks me how I am constantly, kisses my forehead, nose, cheek and my hand. He rings me up all the time. Basically he has got a lot of time for me. But not much money. Fair enough if he hasn't got the money, money doesn't really bother me anyway, I can get by on my own. But I don't want him to be using me for stuff. Maybe it's just me being overly cautious, I don't know.I could really do with some advice. We get along great though. He's such a laugh, and we've had a lot of laughs together, we've got similar interests too and very attracted to one another.Any thoughts anyone has would be very helpful.Thank you for reading.[Mod note: the question is from the UK, which may explain why so many UK idioms are used in the question.]
View related questions:
cheap, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): You don't mention if he is working in a job or not? For me this would be a far more important issue because if he's working then it at least shows he has ambitions to work and to improve his financial situation.It does all sound like it's moving far to fast. And this is actually drawing your focus to how much you are spending whilst he is not. I'd slow things right down, a lot, and talk to him about what his career plans are. If he can clearly demonstrate ambitions and a realistic plan for improving his circumstances then you can gently begin to ask him why he's not contributing more right now. If he seems vague and has no plans whatsoever, I'd back off - if this is the case it sounds like a 'role reversal' of what used to be a common scenario - woman with little job prospects looking to care for a man in return for security and a home - if that's what you both want, fine. If it's not, then end it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): I agree with YouWish. I wouldn't allow a guy at that age, to 'let me' pay for the food and the takeaways and the wine. More so, I think your 'gut feeling' is giving you warning bells.
After many years of providing for most of the men in my life, I just WILL not do it any more. If a guy can't at the very least pay for himself, then I am not interested. I believe a man needs to be self sufficient at the very least. I would feel used, and suspicious and I would NOT pay for anything more. From the experiences in my life so far, if a man was so loving and attentive, I would expect his 'financial' attention to follow, or I would be suspicious of long term problems. I have dated a man who had nothing, not even a job, but he still found a way to pay HIS half of everything. Another guy borrowed money to make sure he paid his share. Listen to your intuition. You could test it out for a bit longer, but be assertive, make sure he pays his fair share.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 April 2014):
 For a two week relationship I think you two are moving WAY to fast (at least for my taste), but if it works for you then it's all good. I would slow down just a little bit and GET to know him, not just have a relationship around sex/food, if you know what I mean.
He contributes. You buy the food HE cooks it. I think that is fair enough. That doesn't seem like a moocher to me.
Set a budget, even if you can afford to NOT pinch pennies, buying extra food can add up. And stick to the budget. Which means if you are getting close to going over budget, let him know and maybe consider what you buy.
My only little red flag here, is that he seems SO comfortable with you spending YOUR money and he not spending a penny. Bank-card problem or not. It guess time will tell.
Just DO NOT lend him any money.
He might not make a whole lot and he might have bank-card problems, but the latter only last a couple of weeks to sort out.
If he otherwise seems like a good guy, I'd see where it goes.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2014):
 This is a huge red flag! "He lets me pay for most things" is really not a good way to start a relationship that's 2 weeks, that and the really intense way of moving too fast wordwise, the "someone like you can be interested in..." nonsense.
I have never known a guy who in the first two weeks to ever let a girl pay for "most things". Maybe Dutch or split the bills, but this is a big caution.
Do not lend him money. Do not bail him out. Do not offer rides or gifts or anything like that. Do not offer to pay anymore. Do not set this precedent, because you *do* sound desperate if you're willing to start forking for wine, which isn't expensive, and "problem with bank card"? Did he pay you back for what he had the "problem" about??
There is a game out there that people play to see how much free stuff they can get from others. You've been dating for only 2 weeks, and you've bought HOW many bottles of wine? And takeaways, and he's cooked, which is great, but who bought the groceries? And you said he's "helped" you eat breakfast? Does that mean he's spending the nights with you as well or vice versa? You're going to be in bed with him inside of another 2 weeks, and then you'll really be got.
I'm going to say something controversial that may get the other aunts to hurl rocks at me, but guys do like to pursue, and you seem to be serving yourself up on a silver platter hot and heavy. Guys who sit back and let women pay right off the bat texting morning, noon, night, always at your house constantly, eating your food, monopolizing your time, and this is at TWO WEEKS. But he's got you smokescreened like the musician who doesn't want you to see what's in the other hand. He's going shopping with YOUR money, BTW. He's got you distracted by the whole "let me show you how to be frugal", yet who's always paying at the cash register? YOU ARE. Honestly, when he's out shopping with your credit card AT TWO WEEKS, is he the one buying the "frugal" items and you're buying the excess, or are you buying 100% and he's got you shmoozed into what a good service he's doing for you?
Back off of this one. It isn't healthy to have a guy you DON'T KNOW over at your house constantly morning noon and night, shopping with your money, eating your food, and about to be in your pants. There's a reason why things should go slow, and you're really in danger if you've offered this much to him this soon. He almost sounds scam and DEFINITELY sounds mooch to me.
His shared living conditions aren't your problem. Do you know what guys at 2 weeks living in shared instances do? They GO OUT ON DATES! Walks on the beach or in town. Eating ice cream and biking together in summer. Going to a public zoo that offers free admission. Walking through downtown while people watching and sharing a $1 pretzel he can well afford, not shopping and drinking bottles of wine and eating food other people have paid for.
Do not override your gut on this one. DANGER WILL ROBINSON.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2014):
 OP, lots of people have problems with their bank cards. It gets sorted soon enough if it's a simple error. If the bank card error goes on for 3-4 months then we have a different situation.
You've been seeing him for 2 weeks, it sound very intense and as though you are packing in a lot of activities in just 14 days. Great. You're already cuddling up in bed and he's agreed to be tested.
Set yourself a mental budget that works for you and then adhere to it. If you hate shopping and cooking then finding a guy who likes both could be a good thing. Again, just set mental budget and see how it goes.
I might start to wonder why he has to ask constantly how I am and rings me up all the time… desperation? A genuine new love interest?
Only time will tell.
Set that budget, keep your bank card safe and secure and don't give it to him, give him cash to do your shopping and cooking as that seems to be what you want from him right now and check back in about about 12 weeks.
By then, you'll have a clearer picture of his intentions.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): You're right to be cautious, it's only been two weeks.
Now I know most of the aunts will probably crucify him for not having the money to pay for you as is traditional, not being a bread winner type of traditional man with his own means etc. and to a degree they'll have a point but for the wrong reasons.
OP letting you pay is not the same as sponging, not just yet and especially not when he makes a practical effort to cook, to talk, to be good to you, to pay you attention and stuff.
Is it possible he's latching onto a woman who's okay spending her money on him? I say yes, I would too because I respect women who are modern and independent, but it has to balance and not just in terms of cashflow.
He's not a sponger yet. He gives you cash saving tips, he doesn't overstep his boundaries and try and get you to spend money on him. It sounds like he's just a thrifty person used to not having money and in that regard, OP, I honestly think if you stopped paying anything in the way of dates he would still be just as interested. It's hard at our age to find a woman who isn't obsessed with her biological clock and looking for a man who can provide money and sperm. I don't think it's unreasonable for a man to get a little over excited to meet one who is genuinely independent and doesn't have those kind of expectations. he could do with toning down a little, he's only just bought the ticket, he hasn't actually won the lottery yet so it's probably a bit much. But again there's probably an element of compensating for the lack of what most women your age expect, money and maybe even sperm.
But look two weeks, just date within his means and if you spend a little extra only do it because you want to. See what he has to offer you and see if you like what it is to offer. For right now, I see no reason not to continue to see him. If money is a worry, don't make it an issue by spending more than you feel you should.
Tone it down a little, but enjoy it. Who knows tomorrow you may find something about him that's not worth it for you, but right now things are okay.
...............................
|
