A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a long term relationship but I still speak to an ex without my partners knowledge. Is this really that wrong?I know having my cake and eating it will probably spring to mind but it's really not like that.My boyfriend is a great guy and we have a sound relationship. He knew me through a mutual friend before we got together and knew about my previous relationship.About a year into my relationship with him, my ex got in touch saying he was sorry about how things ended and hoped we could one day be friends again. I agreed and said I was happy to be friends - thinking that now we had cleared the air I would probably never hear from him again. I neglected to tell my boyfriend that we had spoken as he hates this man with a passion (he cheated on me hence why we split and current bf knows this and this is why he hates him)The problem is that now this ex and I speak via text a couple of times a month. It's genuinely nothing more than general chit chat and friendly banter and completely harmless. It's not flirtatious or overstepping the mark in any way but it makes me feel happy that we get on. I don't have any feelings left for him or him for me.The thing is I know that it's wrong that we speak and if my partner found out he'd be devastated. I know also that I should stop speaking to him but we've been in touch for 3 years now and truth be told, I'd miss our little chats. Is what I'm doing such a bad thing?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): You should have told ur boyf from the start and explained why. He mightve understood your reasoning and been ok with th friendship. But going behind his back and being shady about it is just going to add on issues.
If you know that its wrong, then dont do it! You are asking for trouble.
A
female
reader, nroberts  +, writes (24 April 2014):
Having a conversation with an ex is not a bad idea once both individual knows the boundaries( either physically, emotionally, words or actions). This must be well and clearly stated and understood by both parties. And i don't think there should be anything to hide away from your current boyfriend concerning this if you are been honest with yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): Thanks for everyone's answers I did expect a lot of replies like that!I was friends (positively nothing more) with another man since I was 15, we grew up together but never had any sort of attraction, it was purely a platonic friendship. My boyfriend knew about this but didn't like me speaking to him when we got together so I cut down how much I spoke to him and my friend obviously got annoyed and we eventually stopped talking. I think half the reason I like speaking to my ex so much is because I miss speaking to my old friend. I know that's not my current bfs fault, but I've always got along better with men than women, I guess I'm a bit of a tomboy at heart. I know that doesn't make it right but I think that's where it stems from and is maybe me being a bit rebellious to my partner because he didn't like us having contact
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2014):
 what's wrong is not the friendship with the ex... time heals a lot of wounds and you two managed to maintain a friendship. I'm friendly with my ex.. we are not FRIENDS but we contact each other now and again to touch base.. nothing more...
BUT my current husband knows full well EVERY TIME I TALK TO MY EX either by mail, phone, facebook or text... I DO NOT HIDE IT.
the fact that you HIDE It is the problem. In fact, it's a LIE... YOU ARE LYING TO YOUR PARTNER (and perhaps yourself) about something.
Using my definition of CHEATING you are cheating. (Cheating is ANYTHING you can't won't or DON'T tell your partner)
if you can't manage to tell your current partner about these conversations then you need to end the conversations.
OR you could end the current relationship and find a new man that won't dislike your ex so much...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 April 2014):
 I think you already know the answer.
This isn't about friendship. Because if it was that simple you would have told your BF after the first call, you CHOSE not to.
It's your dirty little secret that can blow up your current relationship. You don't want that, but you ALSO don't want to "give" up the ex and your little chats either.
IF the roles were reversed, HOW would you feel if your BF had an ex who had been a total cow to him, and then all of a sudden they are being text-buddies? BET you wouldn't like that AT all.
Use a little common sense, lady.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (22 April 2014):
 It's wrong because your boyfriend is loyal to you by disliking your Ex, because he hurt you, the you he loves and cares about.
While you may have forgiven the Ex, become friends again, your current man is oblivious to this - so you are making a complete fool of him in a way. And nobody likes that do they?
Your ex is not a friend, he broke the trust you had in him once, so he could quite easily do it again by telling your new man your mates...your risking losing a great boyfriend for what? Your being disrespectful and sly.
It's ok to forgive and let go, to move on. It's good for you. But you have taken it one step further.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 April 2014):
 Your B/f hates your ex with a vengeance because he cares for you. He has no other reason to hate him apart from the reason that this man made you sad.
You have a lovely boyfriend who cares so much for you and you, on the other hand, are choosing to go behind his back and re-connect with the person who hurt you so badly in the first place! He cheated on you OP! That's unforgivable. Are you really telling me that you'll miss your chats with your shitty ex who cheated on you?
You're choosing your cheating ex over an honest, truthful man who truly loves you. And if you have to ask, then YES its wrong and almost as bad as cheating. Why hide it if you have a clear conscience?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (22 April 2014):
 I will say this in your defense. I can relate because I'm in a very similar situation. However, I'm not 'you' in the circumstance. I'm 'him.' As in, your ex.
I have a very dear friend who I dated for a brief period of time and who is now genuinely one of my best friends. She is a wonderful person and we are strictly platonic friends only. I talk to her about sweet things she can do for her partner, etc.
Thing is, my gf knows we talk and doesn't mind one bit. I'm always very open and honest about things like that. I never keep secrets. However, my friends partner is the overly jealous type and would flip out if it was discovered we speak to each other.
I told her I didn't want to hide our friendship or sneak around her partner because I didn't want to feel as though I was partaking something deceiving. I asked her to tell her partner, but she said no. So we still keep up with each other without her partners knowing.
I'm not condoning her behavior. It's never good to keep things from your partner. but we are legitimately only friends and great friends at that. If her partner wasn't such a controlling type, it wouldn't even be an issue for us to even be friends in the first place. In the same way that it's not an issue for my gf that we are friends. she trusts me and as she should. I'm extremely devoted to her and she knows it.
Anyway, I think you should tell your boyfriend about it because I never suggest lying in relationships. it's always a bad thing. but I won't hound you and call you a deceptive person because I know where you're coming from. I think you're hear is in the right place, as you truly only want him as a friend and know your boyfriend won't go along with it. My friend feels the very same way.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): I can understand you wanting to be friends with your ex if you get on now, but he treated you like shit and, apology or not, you're choosing to talk to him knowing how devastated your boyfriend would be.You know how wrong it is to hide something like this - some would even call it emotional cheating because you've formed an emotional attachment to an ex (doesn't need to be flirting) and are not willing to own up. That's the definition of cheating: doing something with someone that you wouldn't tell your partner because you know they wouldn't like it.Are your chats with this ex something you can't get over? Yes? Apologise for lying and dump your boyfriend. No? Apologise to the ex because you can't talk to him any more as that would be continuing to be disloyal to your boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2014):
 Of course it's wrong. You're hiding something that would be devastating to your boyfriend. If you have to do that then you are not in the right relationship.
Perhaps this is your subconscious's way of getting you out of the relationship, you'll be found out and then it will end the current relationship.
You say you don't have feelings for the ex so why is keeping a 'banter' going so important to you? Sounds like rationalization to me.
If you want to build a strong relationship with your boyfriend, lying to him is a really shitty way of doing it.
But you know that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): "but it's really not like that" of course not, you're only sneaking behind your boyfriend's back to be in contact with a person you used to bone, it's perfectly innocent and that's why you haven't told him.
I mean if I was your boyfriend I'd be perfectly fine with you letting me hate a guy you so obviously don't all these years and have been sneaking behind my back to stay in contact with. What, only three years of our entire relationship being a lie? That's nothing, let's make it ten for the laugh. I'd be completely delighted to know you value chit chats with a guy who cheated on you and broke your heart over our relationship because you know you doing that means the end if I ever find out. You're an awesome girlfriend. Marry me now, please.
Just to summarise; for three years you've been sneaking around with a cheater having "chit chats", yeah...right, OP, pull the other one.
Apologies for my tone but I find you asking whether it's a bad thing genuinely hilarious. You're like that little girl who's not allowed have ice cream until after her dinner who goes ahead and eats it then claims she didn't know the rules applied to Thursdays, but now you do, so it's okay then no need to be punished. You got what you wanted and now you're sorry afterwards.
Best of luck, OP, because you don't actually have a relationship. You have a lie that means your relationship is just sham. If he found out three years ago this was going on you'd be gone, so for three years it's been over he just doesn't know it yet.
No, it's not such a bad thing really, it's a pretty horrible betrayal in every way possible and if an internet stranger doesn't believe your "chit chat" stuff (unless that's what you crazy kids are calling it these days) then I very much doubt your partner will either. Why would he? The guy's a cheater and you've chosen him over an open and honest relationship.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 April 2014):
 Yes, it is wrong. You know its wrong, why else keep it secret from your current boyfriend.
You need to ask yourself which is more important to you, your 'little chats" with your ex, or an open and honest relationship with your current boyfriend.
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