A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married, and very unhappy as late.My husband is a kind man, but is also very inconsiderate and rarely expells any energy on me. He works long hours, and spends his free time working on his car. Which is all fine, but lately I am feeling very neglected. He rarely considers my needs in bed. Its been 6 months since I have orgasmed, and he seems fine with that. There is no romance, he forgets my birthdays. And unless I make the effort to tell him what I want for christmas, he puts little effort into that.I am unhappy, at home with children. Looking after everyone else, with no one really considering me..or so it feels.I know I have a people pleaser personality, which has contributed to these issues. I try to do everything to make him happy, and rarely speak up and be an advocate for my own needs. Last week, it got all to much, and I spoke to him about the way I was feeling. I said I needed romancing, and more from him in bed. I also need to climax, that making love was not just always about his orgasm. He was understanding. But since then nothing has changed. We made love twice over the weekend, and there was very little foreplay, he came and that was it.I'm even angrier now because I have said something and it still made no difference. This morning I had an outburst, and he said he needed time to change. Which left me totally bewildered, why doe he need time to put me first in bed?????Underneath all these feelings of neglect are memories of his proposal, and the realisation that maybe that was a good indication of how he really felt about me. I keep going over it, and feeling angry and disappointed, sad. I have committed to this relationship, thinking it was one thing, but realising how one sided it actually is.He was engaged before he met me, and had given her a very large and expensive ring. The relationship didn't work, probably, from what I can piece together because of the same issues I am having with him. I don't think he concentrated on her needs in bed either.So the time came for him to propose to me. And he offered me his ex's ring, or the choice to take the diamonds and redesign a new ring....or sell it for a new ring all together.I chose a new ring, the old ring was sold for a fair amount. But when he proposed to me, he presented me with a semi precious stone, only worth a couple of hundred dollars. It seems the proceeds of the rings sale had gone mostly on his car. I told myself not to be materialistic, and I accepted and told myself it was only a ring. I wore it few times, but the ring is now just a symbol that he didn't think I was worth a real engagement ring, and his car meant more.It now has become an issue that plagues my mind. Everytime he forgets my birthday, neglects valentines day I think of it. He tells his friends that I'm the ultimate woman, because she never cared about the ring. But the reality was, I didn't feel that I should tell him to make an effort. I wanted the ring to come from his heart.I guess it did.I am realising that he's just not into me, no matter how much he says he loves me. Isn't love in your actions not your words.
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christmas, engaged, foreplay, his ex, orgasm Reply to this Question
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male
reader, addz +, writes (28 March 2011):
Yeah but you have to see where he is coming from Cars are awesome! Maybe he is scared to open up because he got burned in his last relationship. Maybe in the back of his mind his like i went all out on huge ring last time and it didn't help. Maybe he isn't the one for you? How long have you been together. Also tell him exactly how you feel, i know you have but just dont bottle it up and explode, some guys just aren't good at reading women
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 It depends on what those words are but, from what I can gather, his words don't seem to entice you much either. The impression I got from reading this was that your husband's love goes mostly to himself and having you there feeds that selfish love. It is good to be a people pleaser but you have to know when you stop becoming the pleasant woman who makes everyone happy and suddenly become the woman whose husband uses her as a doormat.
I could be wrong. Maybe he does just need time. Sometimes people need to sort their own minds out in a deep and personal journey. Then again, if he were truly doing such a thing you would have noticed change or at least an effort, no matter how small.
If not, I advise you to abandon this because whatever this is, it is most certainly not a marriage.
I hope that helps.
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