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age
41-50,
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writes: How do I interpret the fact that my boyfriend of over 10 years visits live porn rooms? I found out about the online porn videos and live rooms 5 o 6 years into our relationship and found it in my heart to get past it after he agreed not to visit these sites. Well I just found more on his phone recently and extremely confused. Now that I am older and can understand that watching porn videos for some people is ok, I don't know how to interpret it when he visits sites that are live rooms. Is this far worse than just watching videos? Please help me understand if there is a bigger meaning to this. To me it feels liking infidelity but I need to know what the compulsion with live rooms is. Thanks.
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male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Well, I don't know how to break this to you but he's a guy. Boys will be boys. It's an old saying.
The thrill of looking at porn is something a lot of people can't resist. I doubt that he's going to change. You either dump him or learn to live with it. The only other option is to reach some sort of compromise with him but that would be pretty worthless. You would still feel insulted if he looked at porn say, once a week.
Regards.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 April 2010):
 PORN is PORN is PORN..
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (22 April 2010):
 You've only found the homepages in the browser history? Then you are making a big assumption. These pages automatically pop-up as a form of advertising. So it's very possible he's just looking at ordinary porn and these are ads. Unless you know he's spending money on them and actually using the service then he's probably not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): Maybe it's just me, but live webcams seem a bit more mundane to me. Usually they are just watching a girl masturbate. That is way less graphic or offensive than some of the other stuff out there.
Also, sometimes those things come in pop-ups, it isn't always the case that he is visiting that type of site. Heck, the other day I was following a link to someone's photo album and a porn pop-up showed up. The pictures were of his new dog. Go figure, glad I wasn't at work when that happened.
Is this something you need to address? I think so. Is it as bad as some people seem to think? Not in my opinion, but to each their own. I see people's points, but being that the content is usually so much more timid, I tend to give it a "meh."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo clarify, yes, they are online live webcam sites. I've only found pages that take me the homepage with tons of small screens of girls. I haven't actually seen or caught him in an actual private session. So I can't say for sure he is paying but I don't know any other reason one would visit these sites other than to eventually go into a private session. Can someone tell me if I am wrong to assume?
Secondly, the first time we discussed this we were on a dry spell of at least 3 months. So that took a lot of soul searching for me. Like I said, I am ok with videos now although he doesn't know that. But this recent time we are pretty active about 1-2 times a week. So I am really surprised about the live webcam rooms.
Thanks to everyone who responded, male and female, b/c it has given me much clarity. I will soon be facing some life changing decisions. I am heartbroken...
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male
reader, yankit +, writes (22 April 2010):
Well hello! Guys get off on porn, girls don't big surprise! I guess you could think of it as cheating if you are truly insecure in your relationship O you could chalk it up to guys being guys depends how far you want to take it. If it really bums you out file papers and hook-um but it's just going to be there next time around. Sorry, JJuwst the facts mam nothing but the facts. Porn is highly over-rated anyway. It's easily countered by increased frequency at home.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2010):
 Thank you for that excellent explanation, Yos, that was really helpful.
Yep. That's over the line. No question. And he's paying for it too? Nope, that's not acceptable to me.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (22 April 2010):
I think a few aunts are misunderstanding what a 'live sex room' is.
I'm assuming you mean a live ONLINE sex room. These have become very common lately: usually a girl with a webcam in a room somewhere remote, doing whatever the viewer asks.
These are definitely a step up from normal porn.
For one, you are interacting directly with a real human at the other end of the connection. You are communicating directly with them, they are doing what you ask. This is much more involved than just watching a pre-recorded video.
On top of this, they cost money. The girl gets paid the longer she keeps the guy online. Most porn can be found easily for free, but this is another matter. It presents issues like spending too much money because of addiction, as well as being potentially a waste in general.
I don't know whether guys become attached and loyal to certain girls via these rooms, but i would guess that in some cases they do. Much like a man might visit the same prostitute because he feels comfortable with her (and she knows what he likes), the same is possible with online sex rooms. This clearly presents a much more intrusive emotional connection than just regular porn.
These are the reasons it's becoming more popular. It has a higher impact than porn because it is quite literally 'real'. Unlike porn.
So, to answer your question: yes this is different from porn. It's porn on steroids, somewhere between watching porn and hiring a prostitute. In my personal opinion you have every right to have a problem with your boyfriends behaviour. I would certainly not consider doing this in a relationship and regard it as a form of infidelity, albeit not as serious as some.
I should add that I have seen these rooms, but never paid for them. Until someone pays the girl will just sit there and try to entice someone to get out their credit card. Once she does, the person with the credit card gets a 'private room' and everyone else is locked out.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2010):
I can't help you with answering the question about the compulsion. I assume he finds it erotic or stimulating, that would be fairly obvious.
For me, a live room would be going too far in the porn viewing. That's too close to actual interaction with a real live person and I would not like it one bit. But that's my opinion. What is your opinion? Is it one degree of contact too close for you? It seemed to be a while ago, he agreed not to go there anymore, and here he is, doing just that.
The problem for porn for many women is that it makes us lose respect for the guy because it is so damn cheesy. He's not our knight in shining armor, he's not the gentleman and honorable hero when he's watching porn. He's like some scuzzy lowlife, and it's hard to feel attracted to such a slimeball. (I exaggerate here for effect, I'm not saying that guys who watch porn are scuzzy slimeballs, I'm saying that this is the reaction for many women when they find out their supposed hero actually indulges in the stuff.)
So is this what you have struggled with in the past, you came to some agreement with him as to 'acceptable' porn use, and now you feel he's violated that agreement and has lost your trust.
I don't monitor my guy's porn use or lack thereof. It's entirely his business, he's a grown man, he's entitled to read, watch or look at whatever the hell he wants to. I'm not going to be his warden or mind police. That being said, we have discussed what constitutes cheating.
On extremely rare occasions, he goes to a strip club, usually for someone bachelor party. That makes me cringe, but I deal with it. Lap dances for me would be unacceptable. Look but no touch. Now why that is different than a live cam room, I don't know. I guess because it is so infrequent and he's basically there because it's part of that male bonding ritual, watching women take off clothes while drinking overpriced, watered down booze with your besties. Looking at naked women and whatnot in recorded images, okay, yeah, that's fine to an extent. As long as it's not in my face, every night and I'm being neglected or life is altering because of the use.
But going on live rooms often gets uncomfortable for me to think of and I would have to say, um, no, too close to that line.
My guy knows this and I don't worry about this and honestly, I don't ever really think about it until a question like this comes up.
It's down to you and your degree of comfort. You've managed to rationalize the use, as have I, to a certain extent. Beyond that, we start to get unhappy. I don't think that's unreasonable on your part and I guess I would want to know why he thought it was okay to violate your trust and renege on the agreement.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): To be honest, and I know this is a little controversial but I think if a guy really loves a woman then he has very little, or sometimes no need to get involved with porn.
I don't just speak from personal experience but have chatted about it with guy friends, who most of them used to love porn to the point it was an addiction!
I wonder what your boyfriend is missing from your relationship. There is clearly something, and it isn't just about sex.
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