A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.I'm going to ask a series of questions and I just wanted your opinion. I fully understand that kids (I know I'm not so young) should be kept out of feuding parents business, but no one ever gives useful advice when they force your hand.OK. Question 1: Am I at fault for refusing my father my brother and my phone? My father like to keep tabs on people in a creepy way (he bought a tracking device to put on my moms car, he didn't do it because a lawyer told him not to). So he wanted us to call our mom to see if she'll pick up. As long as I have known my mom, I know that calling is a crap shoot. She either picks up or she doesn't. I told him we were not going to play in their games and he got very upset. Question 2: Does a woman have the right to call the "other woman" or a woman suspected of being with her husband? My father has admitted to being lonely and hooking up with an old high school friend and still talks to her. But when asked now - a couple of months later he denies it. I know your thinking I should stay out of their business and I'll be very grateful if I could but they won't let me. I have my mother running out and crying to me and my father said that it was her (moms) fault for being called a bitch by the other woman among other things because she(mom) has called her (the oother woman). Later my dad tells me he did nothing wrong and he asked me what I thought. I told him if his mistress was really at work she would have ignored the phone call and just texted my mother. If she was just friends the offensive text "bring it,bitch" wouldn't have been said because a friend would step back and support your marriage. He got upset again and yelled at me.So my questions are not really for my obvious family issues, but torwards my way of thinking. I am told that I was crazy and unreasonable for denying to phone my mother just for his satisfaction. I was also yelled at and indirectly threaten (he contributes to my tuition, but that OK because I can just take out loans if he follows through with it) because I said a wife no matter how distant or if she was suspected of cheating earlier in the marriage, still has the right to call the other woman just like he can call/ confront the other man.So are my ideas totally off the rocker? Or is my father right? I'm not looking for people to agree with me I just need to understand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso I should mention and I realized my mistake. Question 2 happened first then question one as a result. He said he couldn't understand why she didn't want to answer his phone calls.
When I was younger I gave him my phone to call my mother and she became paranoid resulting in her sometimes not even answering our (my brother's and mine) calls because she thinks our father is calling. So that's my reasoning.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to say that you for responding. Its really tiring. I am told by a lot of people to just go and hang out somewhere. I am old enough and I have a car but I remember a nasty argument happened between the parents and my father took my brother to use his phone. I am worried. He's not a little boy but he is special need. He likes a constant environment. When they came home I asked him if he had fun and where did he go. He told me he went to our aunts party and dad's friend was there and he (dad) wanted him to call his mom. After that there was yelling. It didn't seem too nice, so I told him (dad) to stop using his son for petty fights.He told me that he would do as he pleases because that's his son.I wish I had enough money to move out and take my brother with me. He's confused and sad. I can't argue against that fact.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (15 December 2014):
Honeypie's advice is really spot-on. Read it well
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 December 2014):
 First of all, I'm SO SORRY you are stuck in the middle of this drama and that you parents (specially your Dad) doesn't seem to realize what they are doing to you kids by involving you.
1. If you FELT it was WRONG to call your mom on some bogus "revenge mission" for your dad, then it WAS wrong. And it WAS right of you to refuse. Fact are your parents are SO caught up in their own little drama that right not they DO NOT care who they hurt, including you.
2. If you MOTHER (who is a grown woman) went and called the OW then that WAS for HER to CHOOSE to do. Nothing to do with you. YOUR dad should again KEEP you out of that. And I'm sorry, so should your mom. Being upset that the OW called her a bitch is natural, but I don't think your mom was being much more polite to the OW....... Did it help the matter that she called? No. It certainly didn't make your Mom feel better and it gave your dad some extra ammo. Does it mean that the OW is a "mistress" because she said:" Bring it, Bitch" - nope, you have no idea what else was said, so again. Don't get roped into trying to justify either of your parent's actions.
My advice to you, is to TELL them OVER AND OVER AND OVER - that you wish NO part of their 3 ring drama-llama show. WALK away from the conversation EVERY time, but BE firm. If you mom wants a shoulder to CRY on, suggest she talk to a friend, NOT you. If you dad suggest all kind of shenanigans, tell him that HIS and YOUR MOM's MARITAL problems and issues are NOT your problem and that it HURTS to be put in the middle constantly. POINT it out to them. MAYBE they will stop being selfish.
I know it's hard to watch this. And my advice stands, walk away of drama starts up. EVERY time.
YOU love both your parents and it's HARD to see them both act like this. We all have the notion that parents "know better", but they don't always know better.
YOU are entitled to have opinions (like the fact that you feel it's OK for a spouse to call the OW/OM) but what you might overlook is there is SO much more going on between your parents. What you see is the cake-topper - not the whole cake.
I would LET them sort this out themselves. Be Switzerland.
When I was 14-15 my dad was cheating on my mom. He even asked me to ride along to pick up the GF at the airport. That was how I found out about it, and honestly - I gave HIM (and her) hell AT THE airport. Quite sure it was a spectacle. She was in tears (yea, I was pretty rude) my dad was upset and surprised, and apparently somewhat stupid to think I would want to met that cow.... I even left him standing in the airport and got on a bus/train and went to my grandmothers house - refusing to talk to him or my mom. He did show up the next day wanting me to "understand" that she was "just" a friend and that mom would be jealous blah blah blah... I told him flat out, that if he didn't tell mom, I would. NEEDLESS to say what followed was a lot of tears, couple counseling, divorce lawyers, my brother moved out and I was hardly ever home. It took them a good 2 years to really sort it out. They stayed married and worked through it. But I DO feel my brother and I both not wanting much to do with our dad.
Chin up. This is THEIR mess, LET them clean it up.
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