A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 23 yo, I have some friends in my life, but no close ones anymore.. I've had 2 besties (2 guys who i loved as best friends) I've known for years, but then i was forced to block contact with them because my family thought they were bad influence, which they weren't! But i couldn't say no to my family.. I come from a very protective family.. we dont discuss sexual topics, so i only had those 2 friends with whom i discuss any matter about my relationships.. So once i lost contact with them, i wasnt being able and didnt want to have any other person as a new close best friend. Now, all my friends dont know the real person that I am, no one really knows me.. and it's frustrating cz i cant discuss any of my relationships problems with anyone for example.. Only my bf knows everything; and we're very close, cz he's got a past kind of similar to mine.. but now we broke up cz of distance, so, i dont want to lose him as a friend, but i feel the awkwardness and dont know if i should talk to him to get over this weird awkward feeling between us..I like my friends but i dont love them and i dont like getting really close to anyone i dont really love.. I got over the fact that my 2 friendships stopped existing. but i dont know if i can get over the fact that my friendship with my ex; who is the only person who really knows who i am right now; may also stop existing. is all of this just a part of life? having no one who truly knows who u are and just dealing with it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2020): You need to learn the art of independence. Your family looks out for you; but they can't do your thinking for you. God gave each of us a brain, free-will, and a soul. Your problem is you think your family should rule your life just as they did when you were a child. You're a grown-woman. You are avoiding self-awareness, your freedom, and you fear growing-up. Independence is not synonymous with loneliness. You define yourself by what you've learned, what you do, what you like, and how you contribute to society.
You establish an identity by using your freedom to seek the things you like, setting and achieving goals, helping others; and constantly being a work in progress, by seeking enlightenment and wisdom.
It is a part of life that we be set apart from the herd. We must cultivate our character. We make our own decisions, become individuals; and we have to experience/explore life without a guide, or a safety-net. We develop resilience through failure, getting-up on our own energy, and to trying it all over again! We'll experience mishaps, suffer losses, and endure severe misfortune; in order to develop strength and survival-skills. You won't be happy 24/7; and yes, bad things will continuously happen. Terrible things! To everybody! We live life through trial and error; and we learn as we go. You won't always have somebody's hand to cling to, or shoulder to cry on. That doesn't mean you don't vigorously seek friendships, network, or form support-systems. You will need them. You just can't always depend or lean on them. Sometimes you will be forgotten, or abandoned. God is always there!
"is all of this just a part of life? having no one who truly knows who u are and just dealing with it?"
I have a questions to your questions. Do you know who you are? Do you know what your potential is, and what you are capable of doing for yourself? Why do you have so many problems with your relationships you need other people to tell you how to handle them?
Part of adulthood is being your own best-friend. You have to educate yourself, studying doesn't stop when you leave college. You'll continue learning for the rest of your life. You have to graduate the school of life! You seek advice and wisdom from your elders and the well-qualified. Your beloved elders have been through what you've been through multiple-times, over the course of their lifetime. There is nothing new under the sun. Technology changes, but humans are pretty much the same as we were thousands of years ago. Maturing is learning how to fend for yourself. Learning from your mistakes. Learning how to correct your mistakes; so you won't repeat them. Then you try to pass on what you've learned and perfected to others; so they can avoid making the same mistakes. God rewards us for doing that. It's a little piece of Him that He put in us.
Fate and destiny has purposely set you apart; so that you will not just cling-on to other people. You have to outgrow the iron-grip of being manipulated and controlled by your family. You have to develop your own good-judgement and discernment. Learn to distinguish on your own when people are a bad-influence on you; and you will minimize the necessity for family and others to usher you through life, like an aimless-child. Unless you are blind, you can see for yourself. Unless you are deaf, you have your own sense of hearing. When you seem weak and helpless, your family feels an obligation to protect and guide you. It's not always that they deliberately try to takeaway your freedom; if you show no ambition, never operate on your own power, and drift through life mindlessly. They will worry about you. You will always be a helpless little-girl in their eyes. Even more so in your own eyes! That's for the lack of confidence; because you are not cognizant of your own strength in character.
This takes years and experience to develop. That's why you seem to be in free-fall. Flap your wings, and start to fly, girlfriend!
Once you've embraced your independence; people will gravitate towards you! Always bear in-mind, it's not the quantity, but the quality of people you let into your life. If they don't support and lift you up, you are better-off without them. If you can't be a positive-influence on your friends, and vice versa. They are not your friends!
"I like my friends but i dont love them and i dont like getting really close to anyone i dont really love."
Perhaps this comment seemed sensible in your head; but it makes absolutely no sense. Love is developed over time. It is nurtured and evolves with trust, consistency, and time. Friends earn trust when you give them the opportunity to try; and love can develop if you give it a chance. Maybe you don't have any "reliable" friends at the moment. How can you say you have to love people, when they haven't been given a chance? You had too many problems with your boyfriend; so you don't need his friendship. If you couldn't work it out as a couple; then go your separate ways. You just want to cling to the emotional-dependency that you tied to him; but you weren't able to structure or establish a working and successful-relationship as a couple. You said yourself you need people to confide in about your relationship. If you can't even communicate with the person you're committed to; you can't go running to other people airing all your business and personal-affairs between you and your partner. If you find so many issues and problems in a relationship; it may be an indication that you're with the wrong-person, and/or you've got some personality-issues of your own to work on.
If the problems have broken you apart; then use this down-time for growth and self-improvement.
Once you've discovered and established your own identity, by developing your independence; you'll learn how to make friends, soften the iron-grip your family has on your life, and you will feel at-ease being left to your own devices when friends scatter to the four winds. You will also have more meaningful and fulfilling relationships; because you know who you are, and know your self-worth. You will choose your friendship and partnerships with wisdom and discernment. You'll still make mistakes, but they will not crush or destroy you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 April 2020):
 The one who SHOULD know YOU best, is YOU.
The better you know YOURSELF, the more likely you are to find a partner who is a good fit long term.
Knowing yourself also means YOU know in what areas of yourself that needs improving upon. Like in your case, finding a sense of equilibrium being JUST you.
Also, you are at an age where GOOD friends gets harder to find so MAKE good choices, maybe try a FEMALE friend or two that won't complicate your romantic life.
Holding on to an ex, because you USED to be very close and are similar, is RARELY healthy. Better to WORK on BEING a good friend and making GOOD friendships.
YOU are the one stopping your "so called" friends from knowing you. You keep them at a distance. Maybe because you feel it's safer, but it kind of doesn't help improve your friendships either, they are more like acquaintances than true friends. Which is STILL good to have, but it might also leave you wanting more. Someone to confide in.
Not everyone is good at being a friend. Or maintaining friendships. It's something to work on. Like everything else in life.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (18 April 2020):
 Yes, it is really. The only person who knows who you are is yourself.
Everybody else just knows what you decide to show them whether it’s good or bad, that is ultimately your decision. You can reveal as much or as little as you see fit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2020): I think it more important that YOU know who you are.
We'll always have people who have their own version of who they think we are true and untrue.
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