A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We're in our late 30s and we've been married for a decade. She was a little overweight then, and became moreso, and has now been (my best guess, she won't ever tell me real numbers) 90-100 lbs overweight for most of our marriage.It tears me apart but I feel like I've been as patient as I can be. We are completely sedentary and spend all our free time watching TV or on our computers. We talk about exercise and she says "fine, let's walk the dog"; I ask what about 'real' exercise, and she says, "I don't like to sweat". We talk about having a baby, and it goes nowhere. We talk about adopting, and it goes nowhere. I have grown convinced she only gives lip service to these things to "feel like we're keeping up with the Joneses", and she'll get depressed somewhat often about the fact that all her friends have kids and we don't, but it's never enough to motivate her to actually initiate real change. And she hates doctors and won't see one, and she acts like her size is no big deal, so we have no idea what health problems she has already developed and which she could prevent if she'd just start taking better care of herself now and not later. My greatest fear is that she'll be dead of diabetes or something at 55 and I'll resent her for stealing all the best years of my life and then abandoning me. Am I supposed to just sit in a holding pattern until I'm a 55-year old widower before being allowed to pursue real happiness in my own life? Who's going to want to be with me then?She is my best friend and I love her to death. But our sex life is absolute crap. A couple of times a month she lies back and does nothing, while I go down and bring her to climax, then go in and get myself to climax, then I go back to the TV or computer so she can "fall asleep in peace". Never anywhere but the bedroom, no variety of positions. I honestly can't even remember the last time she was on top. If I get any oral at all, it's an unusually good day; if I get oral until climax, it's the best day I've had in years.I feel like we're that couple that only stays together because it's what we're used to, and we're too afraid to change anything. So that's the marriage in a nutshell.Here comes the hard part. My dad died recently and I haven't really been handling it well. It seems like most people are giving me plenty of grieving room, but it's been 4 months and I'm still an emotional basket case. And I'm wondering whether that's part of the reason for what comes next.I started a new job two years ago and a new receptionist started a week later. In the last few months I have found myself completely infatuated with her. She's 26, thin, blonde, beautiful, kind, amazing eyes, amazing smile, amazing laugh, she runs, does yoga, volunteers with underprivileged kids, she's amazing. Everything a guy could want. I think about her all day and all night. Fantasizing about her as merely a sex object has almost completely given way to fantasizing about an actual life with her, full of tender moments, children, hobbies, joys and heartaches. I have absolutely no reason to believe she has any interest in me, or would even consider going out with me were I even single. I'm pretty decent-looking for 37, but for all I know, she sees me as just another old fat guy at work. There are only 10 people in our office, and I occasionally hear a couple of the guys making sexual innuendo toward her, sometimes subtle, sometimes crude; and I find myself fighting the urge to intervene, or at least ask her privately why she puts up with it. If she suspects my feelings toward her, she hasn't said anything. One day last week we were talking about stress and she has told me about a couple of breathing exercises that are part of her yoga/meditation routines. I've been doing them in secret and they seem to help. But how do I tell my wife, "I'm using stress reduction techniques that the office hottie taught me in order to cope with being married to you"?My biggest problem is, I don't know if I'm genuinely drawn to her for her, or just because she's the eligible female I come into contact with the most. I find myself checking out girls in the street, on the train, at the coffee shop - so I know it's possible I'm just dissatisfied with my marriage and the receptionist has nothing to do with my real problem. I've boiled the whole thing down to three choices: getting a divorce, talking to a therapist, or keeping my big mouth shut and hoping my feelings change.I love my wife. I don't want to cheat. I don't want to be "that guy". But even if I hadn't developed feelings for the receptionist, that doesn't change the fact that this marriage is simply not satisfying or life-affirming in any consistent, meaningful way. And even still, we've built this life together, and I don't just want to throw it away on a whim. What can I do?
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at work, best friend, depressed, divorce, overweight, sex life, she lies Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): Every marriasge is worth fighting for as youve made a special bond forever with one person, its to easy just to walk away these days.
I realise your points about your marriage, the first thing youve got todo is sit down and explain exactly what your feelings are to your wife. And start the conversation off like "I dont want to fight".
Also I have to add a few more points, imagine your wife was feeling exactly the same as you, and she wrote to thousands of people on here telling them that she fancied some young muscley man from her work or the community. You would be hurt and your pride would be dented. You say this "girl" at work is just perfect, but I have realised in live, knowone is perfect not fully...even if there was a glimmer of hope you could even be with her...would you be enough for her forever? Catch yourself on...Your wife was once perfect for you..And thats what you have to work on and put all your energy into.
The fact is your wife whats to be healthy, have a fantastic social life, have a great sex life and a great marriage...every girl does. So she wants it..you just need to supposrt and maybe even exercising together and making healthy meal would strength your marriage.
But if after youve worked hard and gave it your best shot then you have to make your mind up to leave or stay and try more. But don't cheat on her...cheating destroys a part of someone forever...go out the frout door not the back door as my old aunt would say!
Goodluck...I really mean that...if I could bang your two heads together and make you have a great marriage again I'd do it now...haha...but you never know you might a terrific life in a few years..kids and everything! :)
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 The marriage is worth fighting for if you feel it is, and it sounds like you do. I'd suggest that you start by seeing a counsellor by yourself, to sort out how you're really feeling about things. If that process affirms that you do want to try to work things out, the counsellor can provide you with some guidance to get past the 'lip service' your wife pays to all suggestions. The fact is, as much as you recognize today the disfunction in your home, this is the relationship you two have built together. It will only change for the better if the both of you are willing to work at it.
If after a consistent and genuine effort nothing changes, you will be faced with a pretty stark choice --- accept the future you've outlined, or to leave and start over. It's a legitimate question, but you're not there yet.
As for the receptionist, consider her a symptom of what's going on at home. Building that kind of a fantasy life around her is obviously not consistent with a happy marriage as you have realized. Do the honourable thing and work things out at home.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): Step 1: Tell your wife that you are unhappy with the marriageStep 2: Go to therapy, preferably with her, but without her if she won't goDo not cheat and stop thinking about this woman who is probably not interested anyway. It is disrespectful of your wife and you are wasting energy that you should devote to your marriage.I say this as a man who has been where you are, except that my wife wasn't overweight and I'm pretty sure she'll outlive me by a decade or two.
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