A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We were together for a year and a half. Its been a pretty turbulent relationship due mostly to the fact that about 3 months into the realtionship he had sex with his next door neighbor. He ended up admitting it to me about a month after it happened otherwise I would have had no clue, I wasn't even remotely suspicious of anything. He told me one night while we were having a converstation about us and he realized that I was considering us a couple, he said he was sorry for it but he didn't feel like he had cheated on me because we hadn't defined our relatiship status and the last time we discussed it we decided that we were casually dating. I had a very different view on that because it had been 4 months since we had the converstation about us casually dating and since that converstation things had changed dramtically between us, we had told each other that we were in love with each other, said I Love You every day, we had started spending the night at each others places regularly, spending all our free time with each other, talking about our future ect. I felt as though another talk about relationship status shouldn't have been necessary and I felt betrayed and as though he had cheated on me. I was crushed. I "forgave" him though and we continued on with our relationship with a clearly defined status as a couple now. For a month or 2 after that things were ok and I tried to let it go. Then I started becoming resentful and mistrusting. I questioned everything and felt like I didn't get the closure I needed from the situation. There was another incident about a month later that shook my trust in him again and then I really started lashing out. I tried to get over it and couldn't, it just kept consuming my thoughts.My resentment grew andI kept my anger inside and started bring up the neighbor at random times and starting a fight about it again. I started being extremely critical of EVERYTHING he did, I would put him down all the time, really all the time. I would make horrible comments about how he was putting on weight or that he wasn't parenting his children correctly. From time to time I would just flat out tell him that he was a pig or a piece of shit. He was good to me during all this time, helped me more than anyone every has in my life and I contiued t odo this to him daily, it had gotten even worse for the past few months. We fought big time weekly. He put up with this for a year, he tried to talk to me about how he felt in a round about way about a month ago but I didn't listen to what he was saying.He finally broke up with me Saturday night saying that he couldn't take being depressed anymore. I make him feel worthless and I'm never happy about anything. I put him down in front of other people and he would rather be alone than be brought down on a daily basis. He said of course he still loves me very much and wants to see only good things happen to me but he just couldn't be with me anymore. He said that he still wants to be good friends and if we could build a strong friendship that could possibly develop into a realtionship again but that we never had a strong foundation when we started and if anything was going to ever be with us we had to have that but no promises we would just have to see how things go as friends. I cried and told him I was sorry and I didn't realize I had gotten that bad and to give me a chance to prove to him that I could treat him differently.He said no that this was the way it had to be and he had been thinking about it for weeks. We went to sleep and the next morning I again asked him if he was sure this is what he wanted he said yes.I understand that while in theory what he was saying seems logical but to me after you've been in a serious relationship with someone for that long doesn't seem all that do able. Especially with me having the hopes of another relationship coming out of it. I'm very much in love with him and can't sit across from him and act like I'm not.So now my confusion: He said that he definatly wanted to break up abd that he had been thinking about it for a while and that he wanted to havve a friendship with me. Well the breakup happened Saturday night/ Sunday morning, with me leaving his house to go home Sunday morning. He texted me Monday morning asking if I wanted to come over and hang out since we were both off of work, I went over and we just watched TV and made small talk didn't talk about us or anything, as I was leaving I gave him a very long letter I had written saying I was sorry for everything, explaining why I may have acted the way I did, how I realze now what I was doing, I only want him to be happy and I love him ect. That night we were both scheduled to attened a mutual friends BBQ so I went for a little bit and then left. We didn't really talk there. Then yesterday (Tuesday) he called me from work just to chit chat while he was on his was to another job just like he used to do while we were together. Is this his way of being friends? I mean we've only been broken up for 3 days and he's already wanted to hang out once and has called just to chit chat like nothing is weird. Is he regretting his decsion? or maybe this is just his way of softening the blow for me? or does he really just think that we're just buddies now after one day and thinks this is normal because he made it clear that he wanted to be friends? I want him back desperatly and would do anything to show him that but I also want to give him what he needs, part of this seems like mixed signals to me but I may be reading to much into it because I want to. I know some of this may sound childish but we aren't children I'm 26 and he's 29. Please someone help me gain so perspective on where to go from here, I love this man and want to have a life with him but I fear I may have pushed him to far.
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female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (15 September 2010):
 If it was me personally, I wouldn’t be asking him anything about you and him. He sounds like he is a good guy (being involved with your daughter and all) But remember you did push him away, and he isn’t quite back on your door step yet. Do I think he still may want to stay broken up? Yes, at least for now. You must respect his healing process, this is obviously someone who cares deeply for you especially for him to keep you within arms length. Slow down a little, don’t get to jumpy and cut him out completely just yet. But I certainly wouldn’t be asking him "anything to do with what happen or your relationship and what he wants now with you" over time you will start to see the path he is taking. In the mean time, stay busy with your daughter and your own life.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 I am sure he is sure. He had been thinking about it for weeks already. And he did break up. It does not sound like a thing he just randomly came up with. At this point you might be able to talk him into taking you back, but I wil not recommend it. He will be miserable and unhappy, leading you to feel like a failure and being unhappy yourself, and the relationship would definitely fail, and the fall-out be 10 times worse than it is now. Now at least you try to be civil to one another. A bad fall-out would mean you call each other names and despise each other. I don't think a relationship can come out of that last result.
Tell him you need time to yourself to deal with the breakup. If he wasn't completely sure that he wanted a breakup he will tell you so. As long as he has not told you he wants you back.. then he doesn't want you back. He has spent weeks getting used to the idea of being without you. You need to take some weeks to do the same.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): So you really think he wants to stay broken up? I feel that if he does I really need to start no contact with him for myself but I don't want to do that until I'm sure that he's really sure he's not willing to give me another chance. He's really involved in my daughters(not his daughter) life as well so that makes it that much harder. Should I ask him again if he's really sure now that he's had some time to think.
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A
female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (8 September 2010):
As I was reading your blog, I saw a lot of similarities between you and I (In some sense) I too have been with my bf for a year and a half also, and well in the beginning of our relationship our trust was broken, I did a couple things wrong and he did too. Well as simple as that sounds, it wasn’t because what he did to me I could never get over it, and I too would find my self with so much resentment towards him. I see this with you too! It's almost like you become so en-gulfed with being this horrible person, questioning EVERYTHING, and having NOOOO trust whets so ever. Forgiving people we love is a process and must be dealt with in the right manner, perhaps he didn’t go thru this process with you therefore you built your wall, and in that time he grew further and further from you to finally, the point of breaking. Let me say one thing, for him to have stayed with you time after time of you doubting his trust, putting him down, and so on means that he did feel strongly about you. To someone who doesn’t really give a'damn would have been GOOOOOONE, so now that he has ended things you see the whole picture and see that you were in fact damaging to "the relationship." It is sad, and I am sorry for you because unfortunately us girls have a different way of being wired with our heart. We are very delicate and need to be treated so. As for him calling and wanting to be friends and hang out, hmmmm.. My best advise for you would be to take this opportunity for change, change a little bit how you treat people, and how you lash out your anger. I would be a little resistant with his "calls for you" show him that you realize some mistakes you have made, but at the same time don’t be throwing yourself at him, in fact move forward with the breakup. If he did this to just get a rise out of you, then shame on him, BUT maybe he did have good intentions behind it, I don’t doubt that he was sick and tired of being down in the dumps all the time with you. In a relationship we must make mistakes, and learn from them, embrace the way he sorta opened your eyes and take it for what it is worth, no more, no less. Keep it simple for right now and maybe just maybe he will come back around to forgive you and let you show him you have truly changed, but don’t let it be the end of the world either. Good luck and try to stay positive!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 September 2010):
I think the relationship needs a clear cut end. I am so sorry, because I know you want this relationship to continue, but think about it from a different perspective. Continuing now you would very easily fall back into bringing him down. If you truly want a good relationship with him, the best could be that you have a break/end the relationship, and give both of you time to heal. You never fully got over that he cheated. I think for most of us what he did would be considered cheating, but despite if it technically could be called cheating or not it still hurts like cheating does. And that can be a very hard thing to overcome. You weren't able to, and maybe it is best that you take this time now to process the cheating and heal your own wounds. And then let him have time to heal his wounds. Maybe you could build up a good foundation again for a relationship.
The reason he called you over to hang out, and called you over the phone, is probably that he feels guilty about breaking up, he still loves you, wants to make the break-up easier for you, and want to make things hurt less. But, being friends this close after a breakup is rarely a good idea. It leads to now knowing where you stand any longer, not sure what you can and can't do, and it hurts even more in the long run. If you want to be friends, it is best to cut the communication down to as little as possible. Then after a while try and talk to each other again. You need to take time to grieve. At least 3 months I'd say.
What you could also do to ease the process, is ask him to make a deal with you that none of you will have sex/start a new relationship with anyone else for say 1-2 months (or more) after the breakup. Because there are still so many intense feelings involved. If you want to be true friends.. then there can be no romantic feelings between you two. That means you must be able to see him in a new relationship without hurting or being jealous. So, to really be friends after a breakup takes LONG time. Therefor, in the meantime, if you try to be friends, neither of you should get romantically involved with anyone else. Not even flirting.
As a last piece of advice: yes he is giving you mixed signals. But he has broken up with you, and you must not forget that. Don't try to read anything into what he does. Yes he still loves you, but he broke it off. You need to tell him that you need more time alone before you try to be friends. Time to grieve and then afterwards you can see if you are able to be friends. So make that deal with him about neither of you getting involved with anyone else for a certain amount of time, and then take a good break away from each other.
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