A
female
age
41-50,
*uneygyrl
writes:My daughter's dad have been so negative towards and at me. His words are extremely hurtful however, I've held it in for a long time. I've take it like it didn't bother me. I've gotten to the point where, it was it. I've exchanged words over text messaging. After, saying the horrible things to me, he texted me by asking me to take my daughter to the town fair so she can ride the pony with her half sister. Now, this is after he's been calling me names, saying horrible things to and about me, etc. I know I should put that aside however, I've tried numerous times to do so but he continues with the negative comments, statements and gestures but then...I want to see you, can I come over? Is this guy bipolar or what? I've held my peace without exploding. Unfortunately, its gotten to that point. I want my daughter to see her dad but this is enough. She has seen us push each other, yell and argue at each other. She's only two years old and she remembers this. We are getting ready to have another child. What advice can you give me to handle this situation better?
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female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (19 October 2008):
huneygyrl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks, again..young ladies. I am trying to avoid going to court due to the expenses on my behave not only that, the emotional strain, stress, sleep, taking time off...the list goes on. He had mentioned his ex wife is coming to visit his two kids (hmm...?!) next month however, from observing his actions, he cares more for his first two kids than he does for mines. He have custody of his first two kids by default because I guess their mom (don't consider her a mother because she's not around to take care of them. I was the one being more of a mother to them than their own biological mother. Taking them to sporting activities, etc.)never showed up to court. That shows how much she loves her kids.With all this, as much as this man have spoken negative about me, towards me, to me...I love this man. I know he's not right for us but I have to grow out of love of this man for my kids and my sake. Unfortunately, he resides in the same town. I've been looking for transfers out of town, out of state, to begin a fresh start however, I have to think about the well being of my situation. Sometimes, when I feel liked I've tried for my daughter/kids sake, just to let them see their dad, spend time with their dad, I feel like I've failed them. He's asked if we can do something for our daughters birthday sometime. I gave it some thought and texted him with an answer of NO. He never had my new cell number because I didn't want him to. I told him it's a guy I've been dating. I also mentioned he's been helping with our daughters daycare, spending time, going to the store...etc. From that statement, it seems like he wanted to become more involve with our daughter's life because their another man in our life. I made up that story to show him their is a man out there that will take care of his responsibility. I had other reasons, too. Was that wrong of me to do that?
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (19 October 2008):
 I think you are in the safest place right now, being with your mum as he is not stable at all.
It is fantastic that you have custody of your daughter and soon to be son, don't change that for anything. He is hardly a role model if he cannot admit that his children from his first marriage don't get his love and attention and probably money.
Keep pushing for your daughter's rights i.e. what he is told to pay by the courts and also for your son.
I agree with Emilyanswers that when he is good allow him contact but make sure it is always monitored contact i.e. try and keep someone else around you all as he is liable to blow up when you least expect it.
If he starts to get verbally aggressive then tell him you are leaving with the children and you will not allow more contact unless he keeps his anger in check as it is not fair for the children to witness this.
Make sure the contact is in a public place as well as he is less likely to erupt in an outburst of anger when others are watching him. Maybe a park or somewhere where the children are able to play.
If the contact with him is causing you lots of stress explain this to your court liasion person so that they are aware of his unreasonable outbursts. There are children involved here and that just isn't on.
You need to stay as calm as possible as your unborn son will pick up on this and it isn't good for your blood pressure either. Make him understand that. Again if he ignores this then tell him that contact stops until he can behave himself as you and your daughter don't need this behaviour in your life right now.
Keep us posted OK and try to stay positive, I know it isn't easy but you have your mum's support which is essential right now.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (19 October 2008):
Ah you are already pregnant! Sorry it sounded like you were Planning another child with him, which explains why it made no sense. Apologies.
If he's got two sides then just play it like he does. Take the good when it comes and be a family but make sure he knows the two of you are just friends and parents and nothing more. When he's bad tell him you won't speak to him while he's on a downer and that unless he wants to discuss the kids he can go away and sort himself out.
Don't take crap just because he can be nice sometimes. As you say, it's hardly great for your daughter to hear you arguing so as soon as he starts tell him you will not fight with him and want him to leave. Don't raise your voice just keep repeating that he is in a bad place and you want him to leave until he gets out of it.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (18 October 2008):
huneygyrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your responses.
Countrywoman: Yes, I am 5 months pregnant with a baby boy.
He thinks I'm the one with the problem in which I do have problems that doesn't pertain to anything mentally other than emotional strain and stress. He's okay for a few then something really little blows him up. I've mentioned it to me but argues he doesn't have a problem. He also doesn't want to admit his kids (from his first marriage) have a learning disability, ADHD after teachers have mentioned it to him to have his kids interview by an professional. I've tutored his first two kids and I've advised him to have kids interview by an professional. He really got upset and denies his first two kids may have it. Also his family.
I am blessed and fortunate my daughter is far advance in her class ( 2 years old). She's starting to read her colors and understanding the concept of why situations occur.
I've moved in with my mom for the mean time until I get back on my feet. He haven't helped with any expenses with our daughter. He said he'll help. When I mentioned the daycare bill amount, he said he doesn't have enough. It's his rent and car insurance. I recently received a $35 money order (he said he'll send $50 money order) which per court order he owes me his portion of any bills our daughter's obtain up to the date he signed over his rights. This is frustrating, upsetting and painful. I feel for my daughter and soon to be son.
We've worked things out many times. He was the man I met, even better. When something from the past comes up, or he speaks to his family and/or friends he confided in,he blows up and he's back to his old ways of anger and speaking with other females to see what I'll do or say(yes, he's cheated on me). That's no excuse for any of his ignorant actions. I've tried and tried to work things out with this man for our daughter's sake and it isn't working. As much as I would love it to work, his negativity just brings me down as well as hope of him taking care of our child/kids. I've tried to be patient and kept my anger in but finally, I've said what I had to say to this man. I've said and done horrible things to him and I'm not proud that I did but I'm tired of it. How long more can I be patient with his man?
Emilyanswers: I've tried many times to be civil with her dad. We had several incidents where I felt like we were a family again. Doing family functions, family activities, going places...it felt good. And then...here it goes again. He knows I need help with our daughter/kids. His words are, "You wanted custody of our daughter, now take care of her!"...I have been and now he wants his custody back. He's given up his rights.
Sometimes, I just don't know what to do but do what I have to do.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (18 October 2008):
Am I correct in saying you are already pregnant with a second child?
If not, don't rush into anything just yet.
I can't say exactly if this guy is bi-polar or if he needs anger management the only true way of knowing is if he is seen by a doctor and undergoes quite a few tests.
Is this man on any type of medication at all?
If he is bi-polar they can have extreme mood swings and can become aggressive or seriously violent, however this may not be the case.
I would ask him to see a doctor or someone with you as you want to stop the arguments and name calling as this is affecting your daughter and you do not want to bring another child into a very volatile situation. If he refuses then you need to make your own decisions about your life and that of your daughter, if you are pregnant also for the future of your unborn child too.
He may not think he has a problem but I would seriously consider what sort of future you are going to have a man who has very little respect for you and talks to you in such a disrespectful way, your daughter will grow up thinking that this is norm and that just isn't right.
You must have friends and family nearby who you can stay with so that you are not in this environment. Don't subject your daughter to this long term, keep on pushing him to get help but also give him the reassurance that you are more than happy to go with him to make your future happier and not continue on the path it is taking right now.
Good luck and keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (18 October 2008):
"We are getting ready to have another child. "
What?!?!?!
Why why why would you do that? It makes no sense at all.
If he is being horrible to you then let him be a dad but tell him you don't want to deal with him and you think he has a problem. Then don't speak to him unless it is directly related to your daughter.
Good Luck!! xx
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