A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone and thank you for your help!My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. Started off nice as all relationships usually do. He was sweet, listened to me, complimentive, and very caring. He still has many of those traits but there only visible half the time. The other times he's rude, controlling, bad temper, and its his way or no way. So much has transpired throughout this relationship some good too many bad things. I keep hoping somehow he will change back into the man he was but I'm realizing that won't happen without a good time in therapy. He gets angry quickly over petty things, accusatory always feels as though I'm up to know good and no matter how much reassurance I give him its never enough. He's thrown things by me in his bouts of anger, yells loudly when I'm not taking his side, calls and texts frequently with the questions where are you? What are you doing? An example would be recently I was ill and I suffer from bad migraines I ended up going to the emergency because this migraine was the worst one I've had. He sent continual texts asking if I was talking to men and where am I? I was having a whack of tests and couldn't reply much to him which deepened his anger. I'm fed up it feels as though I'm with a kid at times were both 35. Is this even worth it anymore?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 October 2011):
One word: Run. To add to that, his behaviour is very, very controlling. He listens when he wants, is sweet when he wants etc. But it's all a mask to hide his true self. His real self is the guy who texted you when you were in emergency demanding to know whether you were talking to men and when you were coming home. What a knight in armour he must be. Seriously, run a mile.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 October 2011):
 I think the only one who can truly answer that is you. And the fact that you are now questioning it all, means your needs aren't met in the relationship.
I know you want him to be the guy you started out with, but he isn't going to change. People rarely do. And with him trying to have all the power an control in the relationship.. why would he even want to change?
Looking back at the beginning, do you think the "nice guy" routine was really him? Or an "act" to get you interested? Sometimes (specially in the beginning)people are on their "best" behavior because they care about the other person, but sometimes what you see, is not what you get. Has anything significant happened to him or the relationship for him to certainly change? Loss of loved ones, loss of job, change in medication, infidelity?
He seems to have HUGE trust issues.
And if you look ahead, can you see yourself being with this guy long term? Knowing that he most likely will not change? Because you can't wave a magic wand and "fix" him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): A good example is you went to the emergency and he added even more stress to you by sending accusatory messages and made it about "him" instead of "you". He's insecurities seem to run deep. You say he throws things? Well what's nexts in his rage? Perhaps throwing things at you or hitting you. I'd say if he declines therapy move on. You have enough headaches and I can bet being with this man adds to it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 October 2011):
 The best way I can help you is to tell you how it is in my relationship with an angry controlling man.
If it was JUST the temper I would be more inclined to tell you to work it out but the checking up on you and the accusations of cheating or TALKING to OTHER MEN is a huge issue for me. I do not need a jealous, insecure man.
I had to take myself to the emergency room for an illness back in August. My boyfriend was mad NOT that I was at the emergency room but that I called an ambulance instead of calling him.. big difference…His concern was not for HIM (like YOUR boyfriend’s concern is about how you and your behavior affect HIM) but about MY HEALTH…
His insecurity and jealousy do not bode well for a long term relationship… 4 years however is a long time to just toss in the towel…
So you said he’s rude and bad tempered
Rude: I can deal with rude… just don’t feed into it.
Bad temper: walk away when he gets mad and tell him “when you calm down we can talk” it will make him madder but it will also teach him (you have to do it EVERY TIME) that you will not deal with him when he is angry.
If he can’t tolerate this (and it will make him much angrier so be prepared for this) then you have to decide if you want to tolerate temper tantrums from an adult child.
See these are workable issues… but then we get to CONTROLLING… and his way or NO WAY
My bf is like this in some ways… he’s 38 set in his ways never had to compromise due to a long term relationship with someone. Angry etc.. We went to therapy (his request) and we continue to work on our communication and our problem solving as a couple… and I do opt to let him have control over some things… he does our budget (with input from me and a nod of recognition to things that GIRLS NEED… so it’s fair and I don’t SETTLE)… he gets total veto power over what I wear on DATE NIGHT only… but when I went shopping for work clothes and he tried to tell me what he did and did not like he was told “that’s nice, you have no say in work clothes”…. And he laughed but he knew what I meant. He has the ILLUSION of control… but I’m really the one in charge…
Is it worth it? Sadly if you are asking, probably not. I think folks know when the end is near and are just afraid of the change…
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (21 October 2011):
 The fact that you are here seeking our advice means you have already questioned the relationship to the point where you are considering that it might not be worth it.
This guy has a deep insecurity problem and it won't stop, it will only get worse. He will see you talking to the clerk at the shoe store and accuse you of flirting. It's my opinion that it will only get worse, not better. Unless, as you pointed out, he seeks some therapy to get at the underlying issue.
The anger part is also alarming to me. The fact that he is 35 years old means he is probably set in his ways an the anger thing is his immature way to deal with "HIS" issues and making things out to be caused by you.
I think you are at a good place right now, evaluating the relationship. It's as good as it gets and I am pretty sure you deserve better. It's hard to let go of 4 years but it will be harder to let go of 10, 15 or more. And just imagine where you will be at mentally if you put up with more of this abuse. With your migraines, why would you want to add this kind of relationship stress? You deserve someone who will add to your life experience, not take away from it.
You are the only one who can make this call. Will he seek therapy? Will he work on "his" issues? Will he accept the challenge to change? My guess is that he wont.
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