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female
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anonymous
writes: Is it emotional abuse? My fiance and I always argue, and last night I just had enough. The problem is I live with him, and where Im from is far away. Anyways, I was just wondering if breaking up with him is the right thing to do. It feels like emotional abuse, but I don't know anymore. The incident last night was an argument about money (I'm not making enough yet to help him pay for his mortgage on his house he has had for 10 years). We have only been together 1 year. Anyway, then he wanted me to eat the dinner he cooked but I told him even before he cooked it that I wasn't hungry. He said that if I don't eat it he would keep me up all night and I had to get up early. So sure enough he turned the lights on in the bedroom and turned the T.V. way up. He said I had to talk to him before I could sleep. I said we would talk the next day. Finally I gave in but all he kept saying was that I don't care about him, I don't love him, and I don't do anything for him. We have had arguments about this before and I've tried to break up with him in the past because I feel like I'm never enough for him. I said he should break up with me if he feels that way if he's so unhappy. I do love him, but I can't live with someone who says I ruin their life and I never make them happy. It makes me feel miserable. What kind of situation is this? I want out, but he makes me feel guilty saying that if I break up with him I must not care. That's not it! We just don't get along and I never make him happy! Is this reason enough to break up with someone? Am I giving up? Does everyone have to deal with this? Is this emotional abuse?
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 Get your stuff and say goodbye. That is an escalating form of abuse. When the need for control gets greater than the control he has all ready exercised, it will increase, and could even go from mental to being physical.
Please remember this. NO BODY has any right to control you. You're not his child, he is not to treat you like one. You're in a partnership. That means 2 people working together. Not one having all the say so, and the other one listens.
These behaviors seldom change, so don't be sitting around waiting for that miracle to happen. And no matter what you were to say, if he doesn't view his own behavior as being a problem, your words won't phase his behavior at all, might even get him a bit angry for suggesting.
You need to get out, build yourself as a person, and realize relationships are not handing over rights to someone else.
A
female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 My first impressions are how extremely insecure your boyfriend is!! Plus, YES, this is emotional abuse, it's passive aggressive and it's not pleasant!
How dare he make you eat dinner, how dare he keep youo up when you have to be up early in the monring, this is NOT the actions of a normal human being!
He's scared you will leave him, he knows you have it on your mind, now and in the past, and he's goiong about trying to keep you in his life the wrong way.
It sounds like you feel stuck with him, financially. Because you make less money than him, you might feel you can't support yourself without him. There are always ways around that though. Housing benefits and allowances, etc. And don;t ever let him make you feel inferior because you can't contribute as much as him.
My advice is get as far away from him as possible, you want someone to love and cherish you, not make you feel like dirt!
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A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (25 September 2007):
 it is emotional and mental abuse and your instincts are right to get out. if he tells you it's unfair on him just ignore him and put yourself first.
he has no right in doing this and one day it may become violent, but you shouldn't wait around to find out.
if he tells you al these things he is lowering your self esteem and soon you'll become dependant on him for your confidence bost but he'll drive you down and down until you think you can't do better. but you can.
best of luck
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