A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend broke up with me, and I don't want it to end. Is there a chance we can get back together? Here's some background: We had been going for about 8 months. At first it was hard because she was very insecure about men because of prior relationships, and it took a couple of months to begin to trust me. I kept with her and dealt with it because I really fell for her and loved everything else about her. She broke my heart early on in the relationship when she would invite me over, we'd have a great night, great sex, and then fall asleep together. Except she would wake me up at like 2:00 in the morning after we had fallen asleep to make me leave. It was so cold. And I never understood why. I asked her and she would never tell me. After a while, she stopped that and began to warm up to me. Our relationship started to blossom. Everything was blissful for months. She moved in, we had no fights or arguments living together. We had great sex. We had lots of common interests. We took road trips. It was great. Then she wanted to move to another city to pursue school and wanted me to follow her. I agreed to and we made plans for the move. The move however, was financially difficult for me and I became very stressed out. A couple of days ago we went to the park and I was sad and stressed and weak. I had also been thinking about the move and if it was right, and if she was the right women for me. She asked me what was wrong and I expressed doubt about things, but I didn't break any commitments. She essentially flipped out and said I didn't love her. When I tried to comfort her she would put words in my mouth, and made it out like I was trying to end our relationship. I tried to reassure her in so many ways and she wouldn't have it. It was like she had already made up her mind about what I was going to do. We talked, and we started to recover from it. Things were better again. Except the next day, my roommate and her were talking and he brought up one of my past relationships. Even though I don't even talk to my ex, my girlfriend didn't know we had a relationship and just thought we had been good friends. The reason I had lied to her in the beginning of the relationship is she didn't trust me at all, and was suspicious of me and other girls. So I lied and told her we hadn't dated. Big mistake I now realize. So she confronts me, I tell her the truth, and she seems to understand. Except last night, she rolls over and just says "I can't do this anymore. I can't be with you." That's it. I don't understand. I cried very hard and she didn't even cry at all. It was weird. I knew I had lied but I explained to her why, and I never kept my past hidden when she confronted me. I don't even talk to or see my ex. She wouldn't give me a reason and I cried myself to sleep. I also told her I loved her so much that if she wanted to end it in order to be happy I supported her. I don't want it to end though. I loved her more than anyone, and I treated her great and the best I could. I feel I made some mistakes, but none that we couldn't work out. I just feel like my mistake isn't really big enough to justify ending the relationship. Do you think I have a chance at getting her back?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008): Nope, you don't deserve this kind of treatment for that. Your gf needs to grow a thicker skin, and you need to grow a bit of a backbone.As mistakes go, it's a minor one. Maybe not to her, but do you want to spend your life walking on eggshells? You might deserve a sharp word and the evil eye for a day for a lie like that, but not these histrionics. But she's probably reacting most from guilt at making you move, and insecurity through your worries about her being the right woman.The health of a relationship shows in how you deal with real conflict. If she flips out and wants to give up every time you try to communicate your needs, and if you buckle under, this is a poor pattern to set for the future. That said, if you're both willing to work at it, it's possible to learn how to deal with conflict better. It would be great if you both cared enough to try relationship counseling.Some tips-- discussions should take place when both parties are calm, well-rested, well-fed, etc. There has to be a promise that both people will feel safe to air their issues without fear of being yelled at, broken up with, etc... agreement to stop the discussion for a while to clear heads if people start getting upset. If there are certain issues that are hot buttons, their should be an agreement to not bring them up if they don't have much bearing on the issue under discussion.Once both people have put forth their sides, you have to put your heads together to brainstorm solutions that are mutually acceptable to both sides. If you can't figure out a compromise that makes both sides enthusiastic, don't do anything and wait for more ideas to come. For instance, when you expressed your feelings, you could have both looked into ways to reduce your financial stress. Or, if your gf felt that your hiding your past relationship meant that you still mean to get back together with your ex, you and she could try to think of things that you could do that would assure her that you have no contact or desire to contact your ex.Good luck!
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (1 August 2008):
This girl clearly still has issues with men and relationships.
If you really think you can handle taking emotional beatings like this every now and then, then perhaps you can convince her to take you back as she sounds like she probably would take you back until the next minor drama turns into a major crisis.
For the sake of your sanity though I would split up with her and move on.
You never know. When you tell her that yes, you are leaving and suddenly she is no longer in control of you then she might realise that she's been treating you badly and try to change to get you back.
Good Luck!! xx
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