A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My partner of nearly a year seems to blow hot and cold...its really difficult to cope with and I don't know what to do. We have been absolutely great for a few weeks, really close, very affectionate and making plans for the future - we're getting married in Oct this year. Last night I went for a few drinks with friends. I was back by 8:30pm and only had a few drinks after catching up with my mates. She was the proverbial Ice Maiden in bed all night (very unusual) and in the morning was like a piece of wood. I asked what on earth was wrong and she said I stunk of beer and it wasn't something she wanted to smell...! You'd think I was a raving alcoholic or something! She has had a bad experience in her past but believe me she has had MORE than enough reassurance from me that I am not like that, she is now living with me and I am supportive with her son too.I am afraid to broach the subject out of fear that she will either ridicule me and say I am making too much of this or decide that she has had too much and say she wants to leave me....I am stuck!All advice grateful!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012): Thanks for your replies everyone - things have settled down now and she is a 'happy bunny' again. Very afffectionate and close. I am more relaxed now but tbh I don't think I will react in the same way again. I am tired of the up/down stuff.
We did talk and analysed what heppened. She said that there was never any moment when she thought of leaving me...seemed pissed off that I had even mentioned that. She said that things cannot go smoothly ALL of the time and that we're bound to fight sometimes (agreed). she said taht she loved me throughout but was also pissed off LOL!
Maybe I did over -react and catastrophised after all....its the not knowing that I get stuck with!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): Sounds like she's childish and demanding. She's upset because you "prefer" to go out rather than stay in? she's upset because you forgot to cook (why didn't she remind you then, instead of giving you the cold shoulder and only later saying why).
She needs to stop playing childish games and behave like an adult. that doesn't mean she should become a drama queen (well she is in essence already one right now, just a different kind). she just needs to learn to communicate in a non-destructive way rather than silently stewing and stonewalling. I think you should in effect tell her this. otherwise, life with her will be a never ending roller coaster.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): clearly something is very wrong and she's upset with you for something. Do you want to (a) find out what it is, even if broaching the subject pushes her to decide to leave you? (b) not know what it is and continue to have her act all weird and passive aggressive?I think you should broach the subject. If simply bringing up the subject makes her leave you, then that actually means that your relationship was no where near to being fit for marriage anyway. it means she was on the verge of leaving you anyway. better for a relationship to fall apart before it turns into a marriage, than after.Passive aggressive people are very annoying. Some times even when asked directly they will refuse to say what's bothering them, only to go on silently punishing you afterward. It's like they want you to read their mind and know automatically what they want. Or they just enjoy the control of making you feel upset and wondering what's going on. If she does this regularly, I would say she's not someone who will make a good marriage partner.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Yep definitely sizing you up and keeping your behaviour in the 'perfect' zone before she marries you...
:-)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Cook for her tonight then. Some women take a longer time to process feelings. She couldn't pinpoint what's bothering her but it's good everything is clear now. She is not stopping you from drinking beer or having friends. She just wants to feel important. Don't assume women are playing games when they can't be quick to express themselves and when you don't understand them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 June 2012):
 You DO need to talk to her. And do it NOW not after marriage. Something else is going on.
Wouldn't you rather know NOW what's up then wait til after you are married?
You can't walk around on eggshells in fear that she might dump you. That is no way to live.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): I have just had a message from her saying that she was sorry and that she felt oddly jealous that I would go out without her - or rather 'prefer' to go out rather than stay in with her....I am ALWAYS with her and she had no reason to feel jealous - I adore her!!!
She also said that she was disappointed tht I had forgotten that I said I would cook that evening - I just forgot thats all.
Pft...!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): @AuntyEm
Thanks, I will of course let you all know how I get on.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 June 2012):
Taking a different view, I wonder if she's getting a bit Bridezilla on you. October isn't that far away, you are both making a huge commitment and it's not unheard of for women to go a bit nuts and start getting all diva if everything is not absolutely perfect (including your behaviour).
Nothing wrong with going for a few beers with the lads, it's normal, but maybe shes blowing it all out of proportion and over reacting with the impending pressure of the wedding.
I know some people worry that their partner will change for the worse after marriage (maybe that was her previous bad experience??) so every little thing you do will be under the microscope cos she's gonna wanna make sure you arn't going to start changing.
I know all this sounds daft, but women can be very irrational when they are facing a huge decision and if she's the type of person who is a little uptight or controlling (or has had been controlled in the past and fears it may happen again), maybe she feels things are slipping and could she be making a big mistake.
Sit down with her and ask her if she has any worries about the wedding or anything else.
Sometimes just giving someone the opportunity to vent (without interruption) can be very revealing.
Try and listen and not jump in with solutions, be reassuring (like you have already) and see what comes to the surface.
Let us know how it goes and update us so we can be here to support you.
Best of luck x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Sorry, I see that you were home by 8:30pm. So she wasn't having a peaceful snooze in bed then. Did you wash up and brush your teeth before bed?
There seems to me to be more to the story.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 June 2012):
Look, it can be very unpleasant to be having a nice peaceful sleep in a nice clean bed and then to suddenly have a warm sweaty body which smells of alcohol and the pub suddenly launched into bed beside you. I would go so far as to call it annoying.
Tack on the additional past issue--was she with an abusive alcoholic?--and I think rolling over and going to sleep would be the best possible resolution.
What did you expect her to do?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): Thanks for getting back....we didn't have sex...she just turned over and 'went to sleep'. When I asked why she did this she just said that she was tired...all passive agressive BS...I really don't know how to deal with her behaviour
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 June 2012):
Smells can trigger awful memories for people. If you had been out drinking with her in your presence, she wouldn't have noticed as much when you two went to bed. The coming home smelling of beer and possibly cigarette smoke and other people's odors may have been a bit of a shock to her, and she physically reacted as she did.
I'm fairly certain that she didn't WANT to act like an ice maiden or lump of wood, just as I'm fairly certain you aren't a raging alcoholic.
I'd go take a shower, wash my hair, brush my teeth and put on fresh clothes and then go wrap my arms around her and have a quiet loving talk about this. Don't "confront" her, just start gently talking naturally about how you want to keep her feeling secure and happy in the relationship. Suggest you know you probably smelled rather funky and ask her if that aroused any fear or deep feelings of worry in her. And then listen to what she has to stay. Leave your feelings of resentment and upset to the side for the time being, while you talk and listen.
If this is the only time this has happened, then the smells were a trigger. If this is just one in a series of incidents like this, where you come home smelling of beer and then reaching for her in bed, there's more to it than the short history you were able to provide here.
Be well.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (14 June 2012):
You've known her for a year. You probably drank before then made love to her. Did she mind back then? She could have told you to brush your teeth or she could say she's tired then make up some other time. If this is the first time she is cold during sex, don't make it a big deal. Look at the next few months and see if she is the kind that thinks once you're in the path to marriage, there is no need to be affectionate anymore.
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