A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with C----- for 2 years, engaged for 5 month. Pretty solid relationship, love her to pieces but our communication is off, she yells at/threatens me to get her point across and I just plain ignore her to spite her. This situation is a huge example of that. For holidays, it is ridiculous at their house for her little brother, spending thousands of dollars on scarfs, jewelry, and headphones for him. Apparently they gave him everything but a bike, because he kept going on and on about how his friends had bikes and he didn't, so he asked for a bike for his birthday last week. C----- told him no (first time I have ever heard that), and you could just see the sadness in his eyes. I asked her in the car why she said no and she said " he's getting spoiled, and somebody needs to let him know he can't get everything he asks for", kind of the pot calling the kettle black but I agreed with her, conversation over, right? Nope! she ended with "and I would love for my future husband to stand behind me and do what I say when I ask him to not question my decisions on things that doesn't concern him". That's when I got heated, who is she to tell me what concerns and doesn't concern me, and to say it like that! So you know what I did for his birthday, I bought him a bike, and he loved it. I saw my fiancee's face, I gave her a little smile, she didn't even wait to get to the car, she cursed me out AT the party, drove off, and left me stranded there. I'm home now, and I'm prepared for an argument, because he's a kid, let him be a kid. I know I was wrong for going against my fiancée but do anybody else think she was in the wrong more than me??!!
View related questions:
engaged, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2016): Hey, tough situation to be in my friend- I know I would have gone and bought the bike in a flash if the boy's face was how you described. Imagine getting all those gifts, but all you really wanted was a bike?Thing is, it was a bad move. I know everyone on here is bitching you out about it, but it's true- one thing you must learn is not to meddle in your fiance's family affairs, no matter how much they might try and drag you into it, not matter how involved you fell. You'll always be an 'outsider' of the family, even after marriage, in the sense that the years that they have had together make the family what it is now- the fun, the problems, the bad times- you can't just step into that history.I agree with you that your fiance is being unreasonable in saying she expects you to stand behind every decision she makes- that is a controlling attitude, when a decision effects you both, your opinion is just as important. But when it comes to her family, leave her and her family to their own decisions- no matter how strange those decisions might seem!So, in summary, you are both wrong- for different reasons and at different times. If I was you, I would apologise for buying the bike, tell her that you did it because you felt for the kid, and tell her you know it was a mistake and you won't do anything like it again. And tell the boy that you got into a lot of trouble for buying him the bike- so he should enjoy as much as he can and never talk about the events behind it!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 It is not a competition between you both about who is more wrong. It sounds like you both are the children. These petty arguments and trying to get better than one another need to stop before you even consider marriage. It is her family and it really was not your place to meddle just to get a kick from proving your fiance wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 Sounds like you both need Counselling ASAP and learn how to fight fair; her insults vs. your silence are no winning formula for a long happy marriage.
While she's demanding, confrontational has no boundaries where she picks a fight you egotistically retaliate and rebel in anger to teach her a lesson.
Mind you a like the fact you bought the kid a bike... Although I question your motive of giving; it appears the bike was bought in retaliation too make a stance against the reprimanded you received in the car ride home.
The pair of you are seriously playing tit for tat, both of you are trying to teach the other a lesson and drastically failing. The clear winner out of all this is little brother with a bike.
I think it is your business to discuss presents of this nature with the little boy’s Parents, to see if they hadn’t reserved the idea of a bike for Xmas or have some valid reason of their own for no bike, which you’d need to respect. Had you their authority/approval instead of acting out, that would have been the wisest thing to have done and it would have promptly put your toxic mouth fiancée in her place!?
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2016): The matter concerning her little brother was none of your business. She had the right to curse you out; while she was dealing with a family-issue regarding her younger brother. She may be realizing what all the spoiling has done to her, and she wants better for him. It may be having an even worse affect on his behavior than you may even be aware of. You're not privy to all the family secrets and goings-on.
She is giving him a lesson in values.
You were mean and spiteful. Very childish. Perhaps that is why she screams and threatens you; because you are that way towards her. A brute. We only get one side of the story here, but your side isn't coming across as very credible and mature. I don't condone screaming and threatening, but I can consider the reasons for it. She is trying to avoid her brother becoming the bratty screaming self-centered person she is. This is out of love. Too many people these days are narcissistic and greedy. Materialism rules our society.
This was supposed to have been an older-sister's act of intervention and love through discipline. Your act was one of vengeance and disrespect.
Now look back on it, and think about it. Which was best for the boy?
If anything, since you want to stick your nose into her family-business; you could have been more helpful, instead of being spiteful.
You are a man, your responsibility here was to teach that young boy how to mature into a good man. You will do him better service by being a positive-male role-model, setting a better example, and helping to modify his behavior in positive ways. He has a strong sense of entitlement and privilege. You just fed into to it. Even worse, you were only doing it to hurt your girlfriend. Instead, you hurt him more!
Is this a preview of what married-life with you will be like? Will you do spiteful things to your wife through your own children? Bro, think about this very carefully.
She is right. You should back her up and support her decisions. That doesn't mean you can't disagree, question, or refine them. She was correct about her actions; but her angry reactions may need some adjustment. I only see her angry behavior towards you sparked by the frustration that you don't take her seriously, because she is a female. You even admit you just ignore her. That's utter disrespect. That sir, is not the makings of a good husband, or a man of strong character. Better work on that before your vows are taken.
In the end, I know you're sorry. You wrote your post out of guilt and knowing there was a better way you could have handled it. I can read that between-the-lines. You're a nice-guy with good intentions; but you showed poor judgment. Behaving somewhat immature as well. You knew we'd help. I hope I have. I'm a guy too, but I wasn't going to go easy on you. This is man to man advice, brother. You sought it, I hope you will absorb it.
Take it from BrownWolf and me. You have to hear it from the guy's point of view as well.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 November 2016):
 Good grief and you two claim to want to get married?
You are BOTH acting like brats. Seriously.
This is NOT about WHO is the most "wrong" - this is an issue with two people on the BRINK of marriage who both think it's about being RIGHT all the time. About "winning" an argument. It's not. If this keeps going... I doubt there will be a marriage and if there is one... it won't last.
Now I DO get why you got him the bike. She doggy dog double dared you to not do it - so you had to. I get that. I would have been tempted to do the same. Hand on heart.
And no a HUSBAND (or wife) doesn't have to get behind their spouse 100% of the time and just nod in agreement. You are BOTH entitled to having your OWN opinions. You aren't clones. You don't have the exact same background, ideas, and values. Not agreeing on everything is the NORM and it's healthy.
I simply would NOT marry her till you two have worked this communication issue out. Maybe even consider some PRE-marital counseling. Where you have a NEUTRAL 3rd part to bounce ideas off and to basically referee you two.
Yellings gets her nowhere - ignoring her gets YOU nowhere. So what's the point? It's time for you two to GROW up.
I have been with my husband for 20 years. WE DO NOT always agree. And I CERTAINLY do not expect him to be my puppet and let ME make all the decisions - neither does he.
We have times where we agree to disagree. Times where we BOTH have to compromise.
We do NOT fight in public either - or in front of the kids. We CERTAINLY do not agree all the time. Not even after 20 years. My parents were married for over 45 and they certainly didn't agree on everything, but they still made it work without making EACH OTHER miserable.
Life (and marriage) is NOT about tit for tat or being "right" all the time. Can you imagine a workplace with 1,000 employees thinking like that? Shoot nothing would get done.
If you don't want to do pre-marital counseling - consider getting some books and BOTH read then, BOTH talk about them afterward.
Like:
How to Communicate with People in Any Situation: The Art of Effective Persuasive Communication by Harold J. Winfrey
The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, and Validation
by Alan E. Fruzzetti and Marsha M. Linehan
The Heart of the Fight: A Couple's Guide to Fifteen Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer by Judith Wright EdD and Bob Wright EdD
How to Fight Fair in Your Marriage (The Complete Guide to Passive Aggression Book 4) by Nora Femenia and Neil Warner
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 What is wrong with you? Are you for real? You had no business meddling in their family's affairs and it's also none of your business where and how they spend their money and whether or not her brother is pampered. You might not like it but that's where your opinion ends.
On the one hand you say that you don't agree with the way the kid is being raised but you're pandering to him as well, not because you want to please him but because you wanted to irritate your girlfriend. Going behind her back to spite her just because she said something snarky is passive aggressive at best and borderline abusive at worst.
Your communication is not just off, it's a disaster. Is this how you plan to conduct your marital life?
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (29 November 2016):
YES...You are WRONG !!! And yes...She is also wrong.
I get the point of how she spoke to you in the car. But tell me what part of your actions were right???
She saw that "her" brother is getting spoiled and wanted to correct it...even if she is just as bad. Maybe she knows how she is, and do not want him to become like her. So best way to help her was to do what?
A husband has the right to question his wife's decisions, and a wife has the right to question her husband decisions...because people do not always make the right or wise decisions...as you are now finding out.
NEVER...EVER...Make a decision out of anger...It will never be the right one. Anger has no place in any relationship.
...............................
|
