A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I have been trying to make sense of this... does online dating is worth the effort?I ask this because I put up my profile on 2 sites (one famous paid site and one famous free site) and I'm very disappointed with the results. I have a decent profile, decent pictures, and send out thoughtful emails to women and I do not get anything back. These are the stats for me:Contacted around 80-90 women over 4 months. Only women with profiles that match who I'm looking for.About 10 sent me messages, that's including 2 who actually contacted me first.4 continued a conversation past 1 messageI managed to arrange a date with 2 of them.I met one (the other changed her mind 4 hours before our date). We weren't attracted to each other when we met.To the women of this forum that are using online dating sites - Can you please explain what might be happening in my case? What would make you to completely ignore a guy that read your profile and send you a thoughtful message? Your help is appreciated as I am wondering if I should just cancel my memberships to these sites. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 April 2018):
 Have you tried the "group" activities that some dating sites provide? Or doing some meetup things?
You might be better off MEETING people in person than trying to "sell" yourself on a profile.
It really comes down to your personality and profile.
I think jls022 pointed out quite a few good things for you to think about.
Also, if you contact women on the dating site with the same generic approach or it gets too long (or too short) you won't get far. A "what'sup?" won't get you far, and a long winded I think we are perfect for each other and here is why.. blah blah.." won't either.
Like jls022 suggest redo your profile. Focus on WHAT you have to offer (not just what you are looking for). Keep exes and negative stuff out of the profile (like, I'm looking for a woman who won't cheat. ) That kind of statement shows you are dragging around baggage.
Ask a good friend to look over your profile. A good friend will know some of you GOOD selling point that you may not have added or reign you in if you have gone a little "too creative".
A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (7 April 2018):
Yes I found my current bf online and know several other people I know found their partners there as well. You need to be active, I would spend a little bit everyday looking through profiles and messaging lots of guys. Online dating doesn't just happen on its own.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 April 2018):
 The thing about dating sites is that it's the same as real life... you won't just get a hit just like that. It also takes a lot of time and effort. A lot of the modern day dating sites give such impressive stats that when we sign up, we start thinking, "this should be easier because of how many options I have at my fingertips and along with the success rate of this site, I'll probably have ample opportunities.". The truth is that; it isn't that easy. Especially since everyone seems to put their absolute best foot forward. The thing is that, online dating is like a job application; everyone seems amazing until you actually meet them and when you do, it could take forever to find someone decent.
Don't become despondent. It's a gamble. Just like regular dating is and it takes TIME. I get that you're probably a bit frustrated and disappointed but honestly, loads of the people on dating sites will judge you at face value. More often than not; they look at your pictures before reading through your text in it's entirety and if they're shallow and you're not up to their standards based off your pictures; they just won't bother. Personally, a thoughtful and sweet response would reel me in for initial contact but for some, NO matter how good of a conversationalist you may have turned out to be, they'd never be interested. A lot of people don't care about that on these sites and the ones who do are also a gamble because so much else could go wrong either while chatting or when you actually meet them.
As I said; don't become despondent because putting yourself out there in that way is amazing enough. Don't give up and just have fun with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2018): I agree with wiseoldone 100 percent and I have read many of his posts and he has fantastic advice
Most of the people that are there are not exactly looking for genuine things - I am a woman and I have been on dating sites and I have been DESPERATE and lonely and looking for all the wrong things - I have coworkers that are the worst types of people that are on there
It’s hasnt worked out because I guess destiny has a different plan for you and this has nothing to do with matches or looks or success rates - I used to have guys talk to me all the time and I wasn’t ready to do anybting with them
My advice is to get out and experience the workd and let it be - what’s meant for you is on its way
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (4 April 2018):
I’m currently active on a few dating sites, so I feel I’m qualified to answer your question OP. In short, I do think it is worthwhile but it can be soul destroying. For men and women alike, albeit in different ways. So I’ll try to explain why I don’t always reply to men and give my tips for overcoming these reasons. Of course this is just one woman’s opinion but hopefully it’ll help even a little:
Being honest, the main reason I don’t reply to all of the men that message me is the sheer volume of messages I receive. For example, I signed up to plenty of fish and received over 900 messages in the first week. Many of my friends say theyve had similar volumes and I’d say we are all on the pretty side of average. So the really gorgeous women will get way more than that! It would be almost a full time job trying to reply to them all. I mean even the idea of simply reading all of those messages is overwhelming to be honest, so I usually do a quick scan and only click on the profiles that look most interesting at a glance. So tip #1 - get a great profile pic and headline so it’s the first thing a woman sees when screening.
Secondly, many of the men that message me make it clear that I’m what they are looking for, but they don’t seem to consider what I might want. For example, I can’t tell you how many 40/50+ men message me telling me they are ‘young for their age’ or men younger than 20 message looking for an ‘experienced woman’. I don’t have any interest in being a trophy girlfriend or a cougar, yet many men seem to believe I will. So tip #2 - be realistic in your search. I’m not saying to settle, but don’t treat it like a catalogue where you can shop for women to suit your specification without considering what you have to offer them in return. As I mentioned above, you have a lot of competition.
Thirdly, basic attraction. Some of the men that message me simply aren’t my type physically. Contrary to popular opinion, women do care about looks as much as men do (based on my own experience and the things my friends say) and sadly some men are just not attractive to me. Tip #3 - you won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s ok.
And finally, originality. Most of the messages I get on the dating sites follow a broadly similar pattern (excluding the creepers that open with sexual remarks straight away): ‘Hi name, I saw your profile and think it looks great. I see you’re into X and I am too, I’d love to chat about that with you sometime? I hope to hear back from you soon, have a nice day, name x’. Now it’s not that there’s anything wrong with that type of message, but everyone sends them, so there’s nothing there that stands out.
I’m much more likely to reply to the man that says something like: ‘3 items you couldn’t live without - GO!’ rather than a generic message that, although polite and pleasant, doesn’t set him apart from the dozens of other similar guys that sent a similar message. Tip #4 - get creative with your openers to pique her interest/make her think.
If you’re anything like my male friends, you might think us women have it easy having so much choice, but actually sifting through screeds of unsuitable matches comes with its own set of challenges. I’m also very aware that I could easily miss some great guys along the way, which is why I just keep plugging away and hope it’ll eventually work out. I hope you do too OP.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2018): Let's just say this.
I feel bad for people involved in online dating.
Yes, I know of couples who have met online but I have heard far more horror stories.
I am a big believer in when the right one comes along, they come along. And most likely, it will not be online.
Think about it. How did our parents and grand parents meet? There was no online dating in their day.
How about just going out and living life? Taking part in groups, hobbies, classes and making yourself more visible?
I truly think there are way too many pigs online who prey on kind and vulnerable women looking to meet their Prince Charming. And nobody should ever have to be battle scarred.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2018): [EDIT]:
"Ever noticed how attractive and outgoing the people are in their commercials?"
"The sites can't promise you anything except a lot of great shots of faces; but the personalities are yet to be determined."
Sorry for typos!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2018): Just to let you know, popular dating-sites blow their own horns about their success-rates.
Ever notices how attractive and outgoing the people are in their commercials? If they're that good-looking and interesting, why was it so hard to find somebody before? Better yet, why didn't you get the results they brag so much about? Why? Because people are people, whether you meet them in-person, face-to-face, or online.
There is always the human-element, my friend. We have to contend with egos, liars, and narcissism. People want to meet people much better than they are themselves! They need validation and adoration. They want to meet the gorgeous and successful! Pretty pics get all the attention!
Profiles are self-evaluations. You get to cheat! Often they are over-sells, embellished, and exaggerated. Flat-out lies! Like resumes and surveys, people tell you what you want to hear, and show you what you want to see. Even their boobs and genitals!
Um...there are just as many people in the real-world as there are online. In-fact, more! You can only meet them one at a time. Even if you have a candy-shop of photos to choose from online; you're a shithead if you continuously talk-to or date more than one person at time! That kind of troll deserves to be rejected and alone!
You have been over-sold on the hype of "infinite possibilities!" Quantity makes the pupils dilate!
The false-perception of "many" play/prey on our greed-factor. Your hormones are stimulated by the wider-pool of options as created by the presentation of so many lovely profile pics and numerous subscriptions; but many are rejects, phony pics, and kooks! Alone because they suck! Not in a good way! Being picky is fine, as long as you can match what you're picky for!
The vast majority of subscribers think they should only checkout the hotties. Now if a certified-hotty can't get nobody after being a subscriber for over a year?!! Look-out!!! Looks are deceiving, as many soon discover! Most are not as "lay-back and easy-going" as they claim.
If you're an honest or humble-guy; your sales-pitch may not be as impressive as the shirtless-guy showing-off his eight-pack abs standing next to his motorcycle with a yacht in the background. Nor the world-traveler standing under the Eiffel tower, dressed to the nines in Gucci holding a glass of champagne. Pics are phony and photo-shopped; but people want to be wowed!
You can't side-step human personality-flaws. We can hide behind devices, or refine our appearance on a photo; but you've still got to meet the real-person. Evaluate fairly and don't set the bar higher than your own qualities and character.
The sites can't promise you anything accept a lot of great shots of faces; but the personalities are yet to be determined. They don't respond and they're rude.
My advice? Cancel the paid site, and keep the free one. Use them for backup, but put your charm into practice. Develop your personality and interactive skills. There are a lot of good single and available women out there. Just be visible.
Jog, take long walks in the park, go to socials, participate in charity events. Flirt!!! Accept party invitations and know your neighbors. Go to museums, and art galleries. Be cultured and interesting. Stay fit, and well-read. Let your buddies hook you up. Blind-dates are usually a shit-show, but life in-general is hit or miss. Two of my married friends met on a blind-date setup by his sister. A sweetheart she worked with. She's adorable!
Be cool, calm-down, but stay alert. Just being a decent guy sends out all the right vibes; and good women take notice. Develop patience. Lots of it! You've elevated your emergency-alert systems and alarms are going off; because you're desperate. Desperation makes you pushy, clingy, and needy. That makes your potential prospects and love-interests nervous. Desperate men also send-off the creep-vibe that women have a sixth-sense for! Just saying!
We are dealing with a dating-pool filled with arrogant, self-absorbed, insecure, social-media fed folks who don't know how to carry on a conversation without a phone in their hand. So you have more of a challenge meeting people with a real personality. Are you one of these folks?
Fret not! You're one of those who woke-up, and there are millions more. The problem is, you just want what you want and you want it right-now!
Dear friend, you've got to get-over your own instant-cup-o-soup over-entitled personality. Love takes time to develop; finding it takes longer.
Finding a match requires a lot of careful selection, rejection, being rejected; and a shitload of patience, bro!
Rely on your natural-instincts and show some class and charm in the presence of women. It's all they're asking for. Be consistent. They'll go for the bait, if you're worthy.
It's a given you'll meet a lot of the wrong people before you meet someone right for you. You learn from some. and you learn who to avoid. Be resourceful and wise, use everything you receive from people as a learning tool and add it to your tools for survival. Jewels and precious stones aren't easy to find; nor are the best of people. Time decides, but you just keep searching and enjoy the journey.
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