A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:(I'd like to apologize for the wall-of-text you're about to get.)Basically the story boils down to the fact that I could swear a roommate of mine is gay and has feelings for me, but he claims he's straight. I would like to state that I have never assumed anything about him and I've tried to approach this situation from a very logical standpoint.Let's call him "Jim.""Jim" claims that he's not gay. He swears that he's interested in women and talks about them all the time, to the point where it seems like he's trying way too hard to seem macho. He has a lot of "man crushes" on celebrity movie stars like Jensen Ackles and Brad Pitt, he watches "chick" flicks and listens to girly music. He cares about how he looks and takes very meticulous care of himself. His mannerisms are very effeminate, his way of acting towards women is also very interesting. He treats all of them like they're his best friends. I've known this since I met him and I just wrote it off, I know that these things don't mean that he's gay, he could just be feminine.He started to sing me love songs in the elevator of our dorm, he gave me a couple nicknames like "mynamehere-ie" and the previous with "poo" attached. Once again I wrote these things off but he escalated how he acted toward me drastically after he broke up with his girlfriend.We were drinking and he looks at me and tells me that he's "Twenty seconds away from making out with [me], seriously. Wine does weird shit to me." I confronted him about it the next day and he said "Wine doesn't make me gay, it makes me better at acting gay." So I let it go. Things kept going though, he kept saying/doing things. We were alone and he tells me that he wants to k**l me, when I asked him why, (this is verbatim) "because I'm busy dealing with my own insecurities and how I feel about you."I was shocked but didn't say/do anything. He continued to do things to me. He made some pretty clear advances on me like when he told me "So I'm going to put my dick in your mouth now" (He then walked over to me and pulled his pants down far enough where I could see his pubic hair.) He's also looked at my penis in the bathroom and told me about it. He tells me that we're "soul-mates" and that "we're perfect for eachother, but he needs to find me in chick form" (There's so much more that I can't think of right now...) Suffice it to say that this kid has done so much stuff to me that I'm convinced he's either bi-sexual, struggling to find himself, or gay.I've talked to him about it several times and each time he swears he's "joking" with me and that he "has no attraction toward men what-so-ever." Now, he's going after this girl but he continues to say and do these things to me. It's gotten beyond ridiculous.I'm frustrated and confused. How should I approach this situation?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (20 April 2009):
 Hi there,Regardless of his sexuality, or any questioning or struggling thereof, his behaviour is what concerns me. I would describe his comments and actions toward you as inappropriate and bordering on sexual harassment. His sexual orientation is really moot at this point.You need to make it clear to him that his “jokes” are not appreciated or acceptable – and mean it! Let him know that you will report any further harassment (use that word) to your TA. He has to understand that you aren’t going to let him get away with it anymore, because that is what you’ve been doing. Every time you draw a line and he steps over it, you just draw another. He isn’t going to stop without some higher incentive to do so. If reporting him does not make him stop these actions, than transfer to another room. File for an emergency change of residency, I’m sure your college deals with them.I hope this helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): is it me or has everyone missed the point? i'm getting the idea that you actually fancy this bloke and would actually like him to act out his threat towards you. But you feel he is kind of teasing you. Is that right?
Well next time he is 'giving it' just call his bluff. Maybe that's what he is waiting for. An invite in from you.
If i have got it totally wrong and you don't like what's happening then tell him to back off or you'll have to consider getting a new room mate. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): (I'm the one asking the question.)
The issue that I'm having here is that I've talked with him at least three separate times about how this is making me uncomfortable, I've asked him to stop.
He won't. I'll talk to him about it and then he'll act fine for two days and then everything starts up again.
He knows how he's acting is inappropriate and he just seems to not care...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): Firstly it doesn't matter if he is gay. If he said YES I am gay what difference would it really make?His behaviour towards you is probably inappropriate whether he is or isn't gay and if you don't like it you should say so.Maybe just tell him you don't care if he is gay or not, but you're not gay and you only like him as a friend.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (17 April 2009):
 you havent even said if you are gay and interested or creeped out and strait. what do you want from this situation. its hard to advise YOU when you are so focused on the roomate you fail to mention what your needs are.
what do you want
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A
male
reader, theguy +, writes (17 April 2009):
hey man. from a hit from the same generation. homosexuality isn't an accepted trait among society. so calm down look at it from his perspective. lets say you live with a girl or a guy they make you feel happy and you enjoy there company. you guys hang out a lot and unintentionally you gain feelings for them. how would you cope with this? now for your roommate he could be either in a bad place right now and you've been his friend. or he could finally be himself and from what I've read you've taken no mind of it. you havnt ridiculed him or humiliate him. now that is a good friend. wat I suggest is to take him aside somewhere private and talk with him. let him know your his friend and that he has been acting strange lately and that if he needs to talk just talk to you. be a friend and pint it out that your are just that. if he denies it than let him he will come out so to say, when he is strong enough. oh and one more thing let him know the next time he tries to force himself on you that you are uncomfortable with the situation.
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