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Is my mother trying to create drama in my life for her amusement?

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Question - (14 April 2019) 5 Answers - (Newest, 15 April 2019)
A female Australia age 22-25, *Tzimisce. writes:

I've come to realise my mother may perhaps be creating drama in my life to fuel her amusement, however, I could be wrong. I'm 22 years old and my mother is my go-to person for advice for everything. Many incidents have occurred where I feel she is stirring up the pot of drama and thankfully, avoided it. One of them being recent, where a guy wanted "to be friends" after a short course, but his body language and vibes said otherwise. She insisted I accept his friend request on Facebook, despite how uncomfortable he made me (because he was staring at my boobs the whole time). I got the feeling she kind of wanted me to go through this potential drama with this guy but avoided it.

I use to have a lot of drama happen last year with friend clashes, love triangles and "guy drama". I feel like she has nothing else special going on in her life and she wants me to create drama so she can watch from the side lines. Like she gets excited whenever I have drama! She's always on Facebook looking for the gossip, or watching TV series with lots of drama. I have many many other situations where she has given me advice that's led to drama and that's the latest one.

Could be over-exaggerating? What do you think?

View related questions: boobs, facebook

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 April 2019):

There are people in this world who love to stir the pot. Their own lives are boring and uneventful. Parents often live vicariously through their own children. Sometimes in a good-way, and sometimes in a bad-way.

You have discovered your mother is not a good source of advice. Once this is determined, you should stop seeking that person's advice; and limit in-depth discussions of the most intimate details of your personal-life. Limit mom's access to your social media account. You're an adult!

You are inadvertently picking-up her bad-habit; by offering her a healthy supply of problems she can weave into drama.

Every-time something hard happens, don't run to somebody else. Figure it out! You learn by doing.

If you're problematic, lack self-confidence, or can't figure things out on your own; you'll become dependent on other people to tell you what to do. Some people will exploit your weaknesses, or they will control you. You learn through trial and error; and you can't run everything by mama every-time you scrape a knee. You've seen the disastrous results of doing that.

Try asking your father, wise old-people, and even grandma! They are accessible alternate sources for advice and guidance. Do your research. Read articles, books, and publications written by experts; and of course, you have DC at your service.

You're old enough now to use logic and common-sense to analyze and solve your own problems. Seek expert-opinions and professional-counseling. Not saying you've got to run to an expensive therapist for every little thing; but try relying on your own good-judgement. You have to develop your own ability to solve problems and use discernment.

Stop being dependent on your mother's advice! You know good and well she'll spin it all into a sticky or stinky situation. Live and learn, girlfriend!

Limit your conversations with mom, to girl-talk and chit-chat. If it's really deep, about relationships, or something about men; ask dad, smart male-friends, or your grandfather! Sometimes they'll know how to deal with guy-stuff and man-trouble better than anybody!

Seriously?!! Why would you go to your mother when you know what she'll do? You have to use your God-given common-sense, my dear! If you had a hemorrhaging wound; you'd go to the ER, not a vampire! Right?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 April 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI would be more firm with your mother when it comes to WHO you invite to YOUR social media.

She might have thought you should add him for WHATEVER reason, but in the end.. it's YOUR Facebook page.

I would have told her:"no, mom I will NOT add him, but YOU can feel free to add him yourself, since you are so keen".

That might give her pause to NOT push you to add people you don't want to. My guess is she READ him as being INTERESTED in you and she thought she was helping you, not inviting some "boob-staring perv" into your social media.

Sounds to me like your mom is bored. So you could also suggest she takes up a hobby or a class in something.

Does she not have any friends her own age?

I personally, DO find the drama my kids tell me about entertaining, TOTALLY HONEST here. I don't try and add fuel to it though. I give ADVICE if they ask and I have gotten "involved" (by talking to a teacher once and another parent once) but not to FEED to drama but to nip certain things in the bud and it worked. I also did it without involving my teenagers. One was a situation involving teenagers sending nudes and then sharing it with people they really shouldn't. Thankfully MY kids have had the good sense to NOT do stupid crap like that, but their friends... not so much.

As for your mom's advice, well... You have to ALSO use your common sense and not just blindly trust that you mom knows what's best.

If (in general) her advice leads to drama, then perhaps listen to her advice but DO what YOU find is best in that situation - or ask on DC (here) or talk to a teacher/other grown up you trust.

Being a mom doesn't mean you know everything or give the BEST advice ever. We DO make mistakes too. Sometimes we don't HAVE the whole picture so the advice is ... well, half-asses.

Part of growing up is LEARNING to think for yourself.

As for "does my mom enjoy the drama" - I think yes, I think she partly lives vicariously through you. She was your age once and perhaps wasn't as outgoing or social as you.

Could it be that she is in some "mid-life crisis", no not quite. I think, she is bored with her life.

Maybe instead of focusing on the drama in your life, when you talk to her, ASK her questions about her childhood and teen years. Basically CHANGE the subject.

If she uses YOUR social media and YOUR drama (that she can glean from Facebook) to entertain herself, then MAYBE you need to give her less access to your social media. And minimize drama ON Facebook as well. NOT just for your mom's sake, but for your own. There REALLY is not point to the added stress.

In short though, it's NOT your job to "raise" your mom. If you don't want drama, don't INCLUDE her in things like that, as best as you can.

Which is a shame. For her and for you. Hopefully if she can get out and socialize a little, she might drop the drama. At least, we can hope.

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A female reader, .Tzimisce. Australia +, writes (15 April 2019):

.Tzimisce. is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your advice! My mother has always been apart of my life and has been through alot with me. She has helped me with different problems, and has given good advice and bad. I only just noticed recently drama has really settled down, because I have been making my own decisions and handling things myself. I was in confusion about this guy and wanted her advice; even after I explained how uncomfortable he made me she still insisted. My friends supported my decision about rejecting his friend request, however I thought my mother would be more supportive of my feelings? I just wanted to know if this was normal or not lol And I promise I'm extremely mature for my age! I just hang around the wrong people and haven't found my crowd yet, still looking :)

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (15 April 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntOdd that your own mother would push you into a situation with a guy with whom you do not feel comfortable. Most mothers would have advised the opposite. Did you actually explain to her why you were not comfortable with him?

As N91 says, there is a very obvious solution to this problem. Do you not have friends or other family members you could go to for advice?

Or maybe this is nature's way of telling you that you need to stand on your own two feet, stop creating drama and learn to handle situations yourself in an adult way? You are, after all, now an adult (if your profile age is correct). I mean "friend clashes, love triangles and guy drama" all sounds very teenage-drama and immature. Take a deep breath, promise yourself you will try to avoid drama going forward but, if it occurs, you will sort it out yourself without your mother's help. Not living your life on social media may also help.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (15 April 2019):

N91 agony auntWell if you feel this way then why keep asking her for advice? Ask your friends for help or use resources like this website. Problem solved.

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