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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hello So, my husband and have been married approximately 4 years. He is from a different country, and we have been living apart until his visa gets approved. I don't believe it will happen because he can not even get a visiting visa (he is always declined.) I usually go see him or we meet up in different countries. The covid has made it more difficult to do so.I am 7 years older and take on most of his financial responsibilities. He needs this or that or something paid. I usually send him about 500.00 or more monthly. To me its alot of money, and to him, he feels I should do more. I have had time away due to covid, without seeing eachother and have done alot of thinking. He acts loving when he needs things. However, when he has money he spends it foolishly. Doesn't think about tomorrow. I've grown tired of being the one taking care of things. I have told him that it's in one ear and out the other. I'm being played aren't I?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2021): There is no future in this. Even if he means much of what he says and wants to be with you, this is only because you are the one with the money and he is too lazy, uneducated and unskilled to earn himself. He could easily have sorted this out since finding you. To show that he intends the relationship to be a two way street instead of take take take all of the time. Why would any sensible woman want to be with a man who is only with her if she pays him to be, and where she has to work hard for the rest of her life? What happens if you become ill or have a baby, he won't pay for anything, so who will? You are paying him to pretend to be in a relationship with you.
There are people in countries like China that do this for a living. They hire themselves out as friends and you pay them so much per hour or evening or day or whatever to spend time with you. Some of them will come to meet up with you and go to the cinema, restaurant etc like real friends do, but only when you hire them and pay them. This is not so bad because it is honest, both know where they stand and know the truth.
Both get something out of it. You are paying a great deal more to get a great deal less.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2021): Have you actually seen the letters declining his visa applications, or do you just take his word for it?
In most cases visas are declined due to police records; or a history of violence or crime. In many Middle Eastern, Asian, and some African countries visas are declined to keep people from fleeing oppressive regimes, and to slow the migration of their citizens; to keep them in adherence to their Muslim faith. They don't want them to be tainted with "westernization" or "religious conversion."
In your case, I think you've been played; because it's about money, money, money! You're a source of income; and he doesn't really want to leave his country, it seems.
Shut-off the cash-supply, and see how much he still loves you; and how eager he is to get to you. At best, make him work his tail off to show he has a work ethic. Let him pay for his own travel. You're not likely to follow this advice; because you want to see him. He'll continue draining you financially; until you're forced to give-up. Then he'll go find your replacement, I suppose.
A few years ago, I watched a documentary on YouTube about of these Nigerian guys who have married European and American women. Yet, they have several other foreign-girlfriends financially supporting them online, scattered around the world. In the documentary, the director filmed a group of them at a Nigerian internet-café. Very young, handsome hunks; some not that good-looking. Bragging about the "stupid" women and gay-men who send them loads of money. Wearing expensive jewelry, watches, and riding around on motorcycles; and in cars they've purchased with the money. Some even say they spend the money on local prostitutes, drugs, and partying; or on their local girlfriends/babies' mamas. They said awful despicable things about their foreign wives; and think they're over-privileged, and foolish with their money. They called them fat, old, or ugly. Yes, they actually said that!
If he's centered in Nigeria, someplace in South Africa, or South America; these places are well known for scam-marriages to American, European, and Canadian women. It's now becoming more prevalent in Eastern European countries. Seems these poor lonely or naive ladies never learn! Noticing you didn't indicate your country of origin; if you meet in different countries, I suspect you're European or Canadian. Unless American women are really wealthy, they might not do that much travel from this country to another, to met-up with some foreign dude. Foreign-travel for us in the U.S. has become more complicated than for Canadians and Europeans.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (4 December 2021):
 Sweetheart, you already know the answer to your question. You are just looking for confirmation from others. Trust your own instincts. You know there is no future in this relationship. Why prolong the agony (and the expense)?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2021): With romance scams they tell you what you want to hear when you seem to be suspicious or not quick enough to give them money etc, the rest of the time they speak to other men or women and do the same thing to them. Some of these guys have dozens of women out there sending them money and kidding themselves they are in a relationship. A relationship is when you are with an honest, nice person who you spend time with. Not a dishonest, lazy greedy person that you never meet up with unless you go to them. For years he has milked you and taken from you but all he gives in return is a small amount of time and lies. He is onto a good thing. I promise you that if you talk about finishing this he will pull out all the stops and make big promises so that he does not lose the goose that lays the golden eggs. Usually with such scams the person paying and giving the money is older, usually they are also plain or not as good looking, they pick people who cannot get a young partner or good looking partner easily and sell you the idea you now have your fantasy. What use is a partner that you never meet up with? What use is a partner who has no money and needs you to pay for everything? Did it not occur to you that even if this guy was real and lived just around the corner if you have to pay for everything it is a waste of time, why would you need to pay to be with someone, because that is what it amounts to.
As far as the visa is concerned he probably kept the money and did not bother to try to get one. Most or all of the things he says he needs money for are fabricated due to greed. And to raise your hopes so that you keep returning to him. Every so often he will say he misses you and wants to visit etc so that you start to dream of it working out and ending up together happily. But that is impossible because if you work hard and he is a lazy bum who expects you to pay for everything it could never ever work out well for you.
How did he manage to pay his bills before he met you? Was he living on the streets and starving? No. He had money.
He has had years of being your so called husband/ partner to get his act together and get a job. He could have spent that time learning a skill or getting an education. He could have earnt money visiting neighbours and cleaning their houses. There are lots of ways you can raise money if you are not up your own arse and thinking that menial cleaning is beneath you. Cleaners earn very little but are always in demand. If a cleaner finds it boring then it is up to them to learn something else which pays better. Not just stop working. And leave it all to their partner!
The fact he thinks it is ok for you to pay for everything shows utter contempt for you, utter lack of respect, greed and laziness. Of course he is playing you.
You are far better off single with more money in your pocket. Right now you are paying for a fantasy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2021): Yes you are .And you know it.
In any case , even if you weren't been played ( but,unluckily, you are ) ...if he cannot get a visa for your country, and you have no intention to move to his , what's the point of continuing this relationship ? Do you really want to be a ttourist-wife forever ?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 December 2021):
 "I'm being played aren't I?"
I think so, OP
I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like a romance scam but with the added visits/holidays for him.
You should NOT be financially responsible for a GROWN man. If 500 a month is a LOt for you, then stop paying him and SAVE up that money for a rainy day instead. And DO some research and find out of your marriage was actually legal. If it is, you need to divorce or get it annulled ASAP.
If you have given him 500 per month for 4 years you have already spent 24,000.00 of your hard-earned money for what? To have a "husband" in a foreign country who has NO INTENTIONS to come live with you, but to continue to milk you of YOUR money. Think about it, If you had 24,000.00 how could your own life improve?
If he can't even get a Visa to come to visit you, it seems unrealistic that he can MOVE there.
"He acts loving when he needs things. "
Of course, he does! Because THAT works.!
You write :
"I don't believe it will happen because he can not even get a visiting visa (he is always declined.)"
He is always declined. Ok, so that implies that he has applied several times? So he has paid the FEE several times? Or have YOU paid the fee several times and he just CLAIMED that he tried and got denied?
Does he work? Does he have skills that are "transferable" to your country (as in could he get a job where you live and make a living there with HIS skills) Or just he sit in his own country and milk you and goodness know how many other women because it IS likely that you are not the only women he has conned or IS still conning?
He spends YOUR money foolish because HE didn't have to work to earn that money, he just has to pretend to "love you" and pretend to be your husband.
This sounds like a classic romance scam. Do a little googling and see what that is.
If you are in the US, TALK to a lawyer ASAP (bring your marriage certificate) and GET help with a divorce ASAP. If you live in the UK, talk to Citizen's Advice (and do the same). My guess is, the wedding and certificate were bogus. And you are NOT married to this dude, but MAKE 100% sure.
And STOP sending him money. RIGHT now.
If he has your bank details, open a new bank account with your name ONLY on it and have your paycheck/income go to the new one.
Once you know 100% that you are NOT married or NO LONGER married to him take some time being single to figure out why you fell for this. Go get an STD test as well. And if you in the future want to date and get married, FIND someone who is from the same area as you, who HAS a job and is responsible for themselves financially, who share some of the same goals, hopes, and dreams as you.
Take responsibility for YOUR own actions, which means you need to WAKE up and smell the coffee. This is not going to turn into a solid marriage with you two, you kind of already know that this is a bit scammy - right? Why should you PAY a man to DATE you? Marry you? Ever?!
There is a GOOD reason he can't get a Visa. Either he really isn't TRYING to get one, he just pockets the fees or he is banned from entering your country due to past attempts, OR, he is using a fake name with you and thus can't apply for the visa, (which also means your marriage is invalid).
GET the ball rolling on finding out if this marriage is valid and GET a divorce and CUT all contact and STOP all payments ASAP, not next month, or next week, TODAY.
Here are a few links about romance scams that might open your eyes further.
https://www.zdnet.com/article/133-million-lost-in-online-romance-scams-in-2021-fbi/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdvtzoB5S_E
I wish you good luck and I hope you stop giving him money and start saving that money for yourself and YOUR future.
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A
male
reader, DarrellGood +, writes (4 December 2021):
 Why is his visa always mysteriously declined?
There are enough gaps in all this to at least suspect reasonably you could be being played. His foolishness could be something else, actually, it is a symptom of some mental illnesses, however, it doesn't add up how he can never seem to get the right visa. Even if he has legitimate reasons for that, what kind of future are you hoping for here? He will never be able to come and live with you so what you have now is basically it, it won't ever get better.
Fact is he is so far away you dont know what the hell he could be up too, you could be one of many, he might be married in his home country, etc etc, I think you need to at the very least make it clear that if you cant move this forward then there is no future for it, and in the meantime stop him leeching you dry of money you have worked hard for and ultimately should be yours to enjoy. Good luck.
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