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Is my friend jealous?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 February 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 8 February 2018)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hey aunts!

Can someone explain what’s wrong with my friend? We met in high school and we became really close. She always had boyfriends but I was always the single friend. So as time went on she got into a two year relationship while I got my 1st boyfriend at 22, but it didn’t work out. We broke up and I was heart broken, she honestly wasn’t there for me. A few months later her relationship was over and I was supportive. Than within the same year she got another boyfriend, I stayed single and had fun. I also hung out with other single women and focused on school and work. At 25 I met a guy while I was having fun, and to my surprising we became a couple and it’s been a year of us being together. He’s attractive, smart, generous, romantic, and always making me laugh. The relationship was hard for me in the beginning because I didn’t have much experience, but as months went by we became close and the relationship is great! I’m still shocked I have a boyfriend who cares for me so much. He just came out the blue and I still just smile and say “wow”

My friend has been with her boyfriend four years now, and I’ve been with mines a year. But I sometimes think she gets jealous, if I talk about him on social media ( which is rare ) she will comment and say rude comments. Than I upload a love poem about my boyfriend on my social media and she commented again saying it was “lame”. So I asked her is jealous? And she got offended and said she has a man so why should she be? But she always mentions her boyfriend and I never say anything negative, I’m always happy for people. Recently, my mom asked me about my boyfriend while I was with my friend, and she tired to change the subject.

I’m I overthinking it? I just don’t see why she’s so negative when she always had a boyfriend and I didn’t? She’s happy for her other close friend, she never say anything negative about her boyfriend so I’m just a little confused? They even go on double dates, so it’s weird.

Any advice?

View related questions: broke up, jealous

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 February 2018):

You've addressed that issue and made her aware that you sense something wrong. There is no further need to go back and forth about it; or to share bad-blood over it.

Her reaction was negative when you called her out on it after about the um-teenth time; which confirms your suspicion. You did right by mostly ignoring it; but you should be more aware if people are true friends or not.

You didn't really have to ask, the evidence slapped you in the face too many times before you did. She went so far as to prove it in writing.

Yes, she is jealous. Some so-called friends appreciate us more when they feel superior or things are going better for them. These are the same so-called friends who are invisible when you need their support. They are also the people in your life you must house-clean and get them out of your life.

If they don't celebrate your blessings, thank you for being a friend, or lift you up when you're down. Their joy is in your sorrow. That's no friend! Friends show love!

It's good to be blessed, be grateful and thank God. Don't be pushed to bragging or overdoing it. That's showing-off. It does get annoying if you go overboard. In her case, she shot you down too many times to really appreciate you or be happy for you.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (8 February 2018):

chigirl agony auntI'm going to write what I believe is her point of view, or what could be her thoughts. Just a wild guess.

You post cheesy love poems on facebook? To just push everyones face into it and show off? Yeah, that's really over sharing and would make me annoyed as well. It's like couple who can't stop making out in front of everyone else and are oblivious to the fact that they make people want to throw up.

It's just too much. She's probably happy for you, but you sound like an over sharer who just talks way too much about her relationship or gives too much info. People are not as invested in YOUR relationship as YOU are. Which is why she "wasn't there for you" when your first relationship ended.

I am sure she was there for you. She just didn't cry about it like you did, or did the exact same things you did when you tried to be there for her. People have different ways to show they care. Hers was, perhaps, to give you a bit of space.

And trust me when I say this: I have lost so many friends to their boyfriends. ESPECIALLY the ones who have been single for years and don't have many boyfriends. Those friends just seem to disappear into their relationships as soon as they find a man. They never want to hang out any more, and all they talk about is their boyfriend. And they schedule their entire day, month, year, around the life of their boyfriend."Sorry, can't come hang out with you because my boyfriend wants to go to x place with all his friends and I should go with him", or "Sorry, I have to cancel plans to meet up, the plans we had for months, because my boyfriend suddenly wanted to do x or y and Im going to drop everything to go be with him".

I'm sure these friends don't realize it themselves. But they are throwing their friendships under bus, and they are the same type of people who posts love letters to their boyfriend on facebook. They are consumed by their boyfriends.

I too got snappy and pissed off when my best friend for years, after not having found time for me for months, finally met me for coffee. And then 15 minutes into our hangout her boyfriend showed up and she was like "Oh, hope it's OK I invited him to join us (without asking), I just feel a couple should hang out together at least once every day and this was the only time I could find".

I wasn't jealous. I was fed up. I'm guessing your girlfriend is just fed up as well.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Honeypie- She do not know my boyfriend. And I understand about calling her out about her remarks, but I thought friends be happy for each other? She use to brag about her relationship, but she stopped when she found out her boyfriend cheated on her. She use to say there getting married but she doesn’t say that anymore. But I will ask her what is her problem, thank you for answering my question =)

Anonymous- Yes I called her out on not being supportive of me during my break up, she apologize so that’s why I was supportive of her break up. But I don’t think she wants my attention, she chooses not to hangout with me ever since she got a boyfriend, that’s why I hangout out with other single ladies or coworkers. She only hangout with her boyfriend, I use to ask her to hangout with me and she would say she’s spending time with him. It didn’t bother me but I did stop asking her to hangout. Thank you for your advice =)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2018):

She may be jealous that she doesn't have your sole attention, not jealous of your partner. She might be feeling a bit at a loss because you clearly have a fresh and loving relationship and potentially hers isn't as great as it seems, so she might just want more time with you.

As for her being not being supportive to you during your previous break up, this is not cool. Did you call her out on it? She may have been like this because she was happy to have your full attention again.

Maybe the best solution is to face it head on? Tell her exactly how you have said it her. Say that she's made you feel this way and it makes you want to hide some of your personality from her, which isn't right when it comes to friendship as you should be able to be yourself.

Another option is to combine boyfriend time with her and her boyfriend. That way you get to spend time with her and your partner, causing her to calm down a bit on her jealousy. Just a thought?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntDoes she know your BF?

I get why you feel something is off with her, and it probably is. Could be that she feel you are being to "cutesy" for her taste, could be that her relationship is a little stagnate which might make her feel you are "bragging" about your awesome BF to rub it in her face.

But these are all guesses.

WHY don't you... NEXT time she makes some snarky comment send her a private message and ask her what her problem is?

If you don't call her out, she will continue.

You can also CHOOSE to DELETE any negative posts she makes.

Personally, since you call her a friend... I would call her out on her comments and ask what is up.

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