A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Friends,I am really trying to understand something here. I am working in a private sector firm and I like someone at work. I am an South East Asian and she probably is White/Mix. She started working at my company couple of weeks ago. When I saw her for the first time it looked like I had found my dream girl and my heart really started beating like crazy. I tried to make myself "visible" to her for first few days. One day I, by chance, met her on the way out of the office in the evening. I started talking to her and she did reply back. But that was the first/last time we talked. I tried to talk to her again but looks like she didn't want to. We crossed path again and she did not even look at me. I am really getting depressed and feel that I may not be able to ever see my dream of letting her know my feeling come true. It is scary. I really really like her a lot.Is it because I am not from her race? It is hard for me to digest but I do not see any other reason. I see her talking to everyone in the office on her team but she just tries to ignore me whenever she sees me. What can I do? Please help.
View related questions:
at work, depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2013): Thank you guys! I am original poster of this question. I understood everything you all mentioned. I believe I have dated just couple of girls in my entire life and have been cheated on by all of them. And those were also love at first sight. Now I am taking that girl as just another co-worker. Instead of making it embarrassing for her and for myself it is a good idea to just go with the flow. If it is meant to be, it will be. Thank you all again for your responses.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (17 July 2013):
Dear OP,
All you know of her is that she's attractive and the few things she said to you the first time you talked. This is more of a crush than "really liking" someone.
In that woman's situation, there could be a lot of reasons why she would avoid you or ignore you.
First, you're a new co-worker, so she knows you less than the other people and maybe has less common ground with you. That makes her more reserved towards you than towards her other co-workers.
Second, you might have been a little awkward the first time you talked to her (with all the butterflies and heartbeats). And she doesn't know how to talk to you after that.
Third, she just might not find you physically attractive, regardless of race.
Fourth, she might already have a boyfriend or husband and doesn't want to send the wrong signals.
Fifth, she might find it inappropriate to date a co-worker and because she felt your interest, she now ignores you.
What you can do is to focus on working for the moment and try to fit in your new team. If you let some romantic thoughts overshadow everything, it's not healthy for you. Keep your dignity and don't try to chase after her, try to act as normal and as professional as possible around her. That way, she has time to see your qualities and if she's interested, I'm sure it will show. However, I wouldn't bet on it. In general, women decide very fast if they find someone attractive or not and they hardly ever change their minds.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 July 2013):
 I don't think it has to be about race.
some folks do not date co-workers as a general rule.
she may not see you as dating material.
other than her name, where she works and how she looks what do you know about her? how old is she? is she married? partnered? perhaps she's a lesbian?
I think you are needing to find a reason that's not personal for you.... perhaps you dislike yourself?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2013):
 You fell in love with her looks but know absolutely nothing else about her. For all you know, she's a deeply superficial, shallow woman with poor eyesight and a short attention span.
If you are hanging around, looking goofy (as in love-struck), you may be putting out an image of a weirdo. Try to rein it in, be professional, remain calm and neutral in her presence and treat her exactly as you treat other co-workers.
It's not necessarily about race, it could be just that you were acting in a way that put her off.
Many people choose not to date co-workers, so don't take that personally.
So, what can you do? Recognize that you have feelings that arise from your imagination, that you have decided to like her based on her looks. You know nothing about her personality, her life, or anything else about her. Act like a regular co-worker, don't present yourself in odd ways and slowly and calmly get to know her as a co-worker.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): OP, you have insecurities about your colour or you are self conscious about being a minority in your work place. As a result you see racism when it's not necessarily there.As a woman, I can tell you that when guys have tried to make themselves "visible" to me when I wasn't attracted to them, I avoided them. It's just too much awkwardness to give someone hope that maybe they have a chance.People cannot control who they are attracted to. It's not voluntary and it's neither offensive nor discriminatory if not everyone finds you attractive. Not everyone from your own race will find you attractive. Are they racist against you too?Has EVERY single woman prior to this woman fallen head over heels in love with you? I didn't think so either. It is absolutely normal that some people are not attracted to you. It is normal too that she doesn't go out of her way to make your acquaintance if she isn't working with you directly. Everyone can choose their friends as they wish.Stop focusing on her and open yourself up to meeting other people who reciprocate your feelings. Rejection is a normal part of life. Get used to it! How many companies / interviews did you get rejections from before you got your current position?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 July 2013):
 Why does it have to be necessarily about race ?
She just figured out that you are interested romantically, she does not requite the interest and feels embarassed / wants to get across her message that she is not up for anything / does not want to encourage you. Or, more simply, she just talked to you that time by chance and she is not interested in further contacts and conversations.
It sucks, - but why should it be necessarily about race ? At this superficial level of acquaintance , and skin attraction, it may be dozens of other things : from your height or your voice or the way you dress or anything in you that she is not crazy about. Or else, she is already taken, or in love with another guy, or does not date coworkers, or decided she does not want to date anybody. Etc.etc.etc.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 July 2013):
I just want to make it clear that the only thing you have at this point is attraction. Nothing more. So if things don't work out there's no reason to be dismayed.
Now to your question. I bet what happened is that she kind of got the idea that you like her but, for whatever reason (not necessarily about you), she doesn't want to date you. Women sometimes act awkward around guys who like them when they don't want to date them.
Whatever her reason is, I don't see any reason for you to accuse her of racism.
Good luck!
...............................
|
