A
female
age
51-59,
*anaclee
writes:Does Love conquer?? I thought I would ask for opinions on this. How long does anger, resentment and bitterness stay? Does it affect your relationship in the long-term? I am single/40 (never married), but was in a long term relationship (12+ years/home, then last 5 yrs it went long distance) that ended about 5 years ago. He was the only man I loved. Then I met a wonderful man 8 months ago (on a dating website), and we fell in deep love, even talking of a future together. 3 months into the relationship, he found out (on his own) about my past. The story was: About 3 years ago, living in NY, I was desperate for money (got laid off). After talking with a friend, we joined an escort service, basically attending events with men, and getting paid for it. I never had any sex with these men. I also did "sensual massages" for men while in my undergarments, no touching to me, and no oral sex to them. Bottom line, I stopped this after 3 months (3 years ago).I wasnt dating anyone at the time. As i said, i started a relationship with this new man 8 months ago, and secretly on his own, he found this out as he delved into my past. He found the escourt service (and acted as a potential customer), called them, and they still claimed i was just there In NY, that i still randomly come into town and "work"-which i DONT. After a hunch of him looking thru my phone and emails, he finally disclosed what he knows about my past. My bf doesn't believe that i still don't escort. I left that evening and basically decided to leave because I was embarassed of him finding out, he wouldn't let me go home, he said we could get threw this now that it is all out in the open, but it's worse now, because he doesnt trust me, based on the fact that i wasn't up front with him about it, he is also judging me based on my decision to actully do this for money. Another trust issue he brought up around the same time. When we first met, i was unemployed (4 weeks prior). I didn't disclose this, as again, i didn't think he would want to pursue dating me if I was unemployed, so I waited a month (to see if i was into him) to tell him that i got laid off, but I made it out like it happend that day. Well again, looking into my passt, he called my office and unemployement office to confirm things, and was told upon my layoff date. He now thinks i am a chronic liar and non-trustworthy. The escort thing happend years prior to meeting him, and the laid off , I thought, was a "white lie" a month into dating him. I've apologized about these, and told him I would never do anything to hurt him again. I have never cheated, or "hurt" him in any other way since our 8 months of dating, yet he still doesnt fully trust me. To this day, he calls me whore, and accuses me of going to networking events, for my sales job, only to get "clients" for money. Can I ever get him to believe or trust me ever again. We deeply love each other, and have stong passion and intimacy, but because of my past, and because I didn't divulge this first before him finding out on his own, are we doomed. He started counseling for trust issues (as he had a past gfriend that cheated on him), but since I moved out, it has only gotten worse, as he thinks i'm not home at nights. We have broken up and gotten back together many times,. We've talked about doing counselling together, would this work- i love him and he loves me-but my question, do you think that love conquers.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 If this is supposed to be love I got to wonder how you would define hate.
Lets face it, you both screwed up, you lied several times and your past is nothing to be proud off. You could have just worked double shifts cleaning or whatever other trash job is out there, so don't expect to much sympathy over having been a sex-worker.
On the other hand, my god he is paranoid. Snooping like that is definitly not healthy, just how bad a liar are you that gives him a valid excuse to do all this investigating? Does he do the same on other women? Just because there was something to be found this time doesn't make it alright for him to spy on his dates.
That his gf cheated on him in the past makes it understandable why he is unwilling to trust but he is taking it to far, you cannot behave like this in a relationship.
Both of you are seriously damaged goods and before either of you has a chance of being in a healthy relationship you need to sort out your own issues ON YOUR OWN first.
He got to continue working on his trust issues and you got to accept that you are who you are and be honest about your past. Things like this always come out, it is better to not be asked out because they think you are a whore from the start then have this come out later and be labelled not just a hooker but a lying hooker.
Look at it from his point of view.
You: Hi, my name is X, love me, I am nice and truthful.
Him: I found out you are a sexworker.
You: Okay, that is true, but love me, I am nice and truthful.
Him: I found out you got fired 2 months ago.
You: Okay, that is true, but love me, I am nice and truthful.
Him: I think you are cheating on him.
You: That ain't true, why don't you believe me, have I ever lied to you before?
See the problem?
Are you two doomed. Who knows. If you both want to make it work then it can but a lack of trust is lethal in a relationship. We got to know that the other one believes in us and that they are to be trusted. Right now, he has no way of knowing what other lie will come up and you don't know where he is going to be digging next.
Him accusing you off stuff you haven't done is equally hurtful as you lying about things you have done.
You can make it work perhaps, but frankly, I got to wonder if both of you are really willing to start an open and honest relationship. Remember, that you lied becaus you didn't trust him to accept you for who you are, you question his love, same as he did to you. Perhaps you both just need to accept it ain't going to happen and sort your own lives out first before getting into the dating game.
A
female
reader, Lily Moll +, writes (20 July 2008):
Counseling definitely seems in order. If you both really love each other and really want it to work, it's absolutely possible for love to conquer-- but it sounds like right now, his insecurities are conquering, and it's leading him to treat you badly. He's acting this way because he's been hurt, but he's staying with you, so obviously there's a part of him that still believes it can work. But you're not in the wrong. He needs to see your point of view, and understand why you did the things you did. He also needs to stop calling you names and accusing you of doing things you're not doing. He's the one in the wrong, and sure, he's acting that way because he's hurt, but it's not right for him to continue treating you this way. If you let it continue, it's going to set the tone for your entire relationship.
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