A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend isn't attractive to me. I'm not implying that he's ugly or that other people might not find him good looking but I don't.He's a good person and treats me well and we're getting to that age where we're thinking about serious commitment but I'm not really attracted to him. I don't want to have sex or even kiss him. He, on the other hand, is very attracted to me and initiates sex all the time, which is understandable, but I've begun to notice that I'm cranky all the time because I always feel pressured for sex/physical affection when I really don't want to.I enjoy spending time with him, we have similar interests and we get along well. I could see us having a good life together because we have similar morals and goals. Is there too much of an emphasis on sex? Should it sometimes be overlooked for the greater good?Have you ever regretted breaking up with someone perfect for you because of your lack of attraction? Have you regretted staying with someone perfect but you have no sexual attraction? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): Sex sometimes becomes not very frequent as years go by, but people ussualy don't start like that. It becomes gradually rare when people live many many years together.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (19 September 2012):
It depends - is physical attraction something you NEED? I often tell my friends when considering marriage - a big mistake people often make is looking at what they WANT and not what they NEED in a relationship. Just make sure your "needs" are met. Everything else kinds works itself out.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 September 2012):
 Lack of attraction is a VERY valid reason to break up. Same as it is a valid reason for breaking up with someone if you are passionately attracted to them, but you can't stand spending time with them out of the bedroom ! why should it be any different ? we are made of mind AND body, and if you have to live with somebody, in theory for the rest of your life, you have to have a good degree of compatibility in both areas .
It is true, at least from what I have experienced and seen around, that in time physical desires slows down and other things take priority in a couple. But, from this to feeling turned off / disgusted / irritated by your partner's approaches, there is a big difference, and , as things stand now between you, you have about zero chances to make it last.
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A
female
reader, nightwalker +, writes (19 September 2012):
 If you don't feel sexually attractive to him you should considered telling him before it's to late and years pass living a lie. Obviously sex is important to him so you will only hurt his feelings every time you'll say no. And you will feel bad if he cheats on you. So I say find someone that u feel physically attracted to, you deserve to be happy in that area just like your boyfriend. There are other guys that r nice, I'm sure you will find mr perfect, so don't settle!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): In my late 20s (I'm now in my mid-30s)I became desperate to settle down and get married. So I started dating a "nice" guy who "loved" me. We dated for three years. The sex was actually pretty good, but something was missing. I never felt content, but because he loved me, I kept convincing myself that I could make it work. The whole time, I felt so shallow for not being in love with him.You know what happened? He cheated on me. Yep, that's right. The truth is all people want to be loved and appreciated just as they are.After we broke up, I promised myself to never settle again. I passed up potential men left and right. My friends (and therapist)insisted that I needed to get over my hurt and give people a chance. I didn't listen to them. I decided that I'd rather be alone and wait for the right guy to enter my life.He did and I couldn't be happier. You're young, but even if you were older, my advice would be the same. Don't settle. Please have faith that at some point, the right guy will come along. It'll happen sooner or later. You just need to be patient.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 September 2012):
 How long have you been together? And how long have you known that he doesn't light your fire?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): So you are pretending to be romantically attracted to this man for companionship, even though he loves you and thinks you feel the same?
I think what you are doing to him is wrong.
Its like when a man pretends to have feelings for a woman so she will sleep with him. Its using someone's feelings for you to get what you want from them. Your form of "use" is more politically correct than a man lying to get sex but IMHO the principle is just as wrong.
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female
reader, highheeledfeminist +, writes (19 September 2012):
 I have known several people that seemed like a perfect match personality-wise. Ultimately what I have realized is that this is why people have more than one friend, but one husband/wife--there are LOTS of "perfect" people for you but the one you spend your life with in a married relationship has to be that perfect friend that ALSO turns you on like no one else.
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (18 September 2012):
 I agree with Ciar. If he was the one, you'd find him attractive and would be drawn to him despite how physically "hot" he was.
If you aren't attracted to him then I would let him go so he can find someone he is attacted to him.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (18 September 2012):
 If your boyfriend was the man you wanted to spend your life with you'd find him attractive enough regardless of how he looked. The fact that you don't means he is not. That does not mean you're shallow. You are not obliged to be drawn to everyone who is smart, funny, reliable and finds you attractive. And you're certainly not obliged to be with someone forever. It's okay to break up with your boyfriend. It won't make you a bad person. On the contrary it would make you a better person because you'd be an honest person. And that honesty would free both of you up to find the person you do want to spend the rest of your lives with.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (18 September 2012):
 Personally I believe you are mislabeling the problem. I always become suspicious when someone in a long term relationship says things like, "I was never really in love", or "I just settled" and in your case, "he isn't attractive to me". The obvious question that comes up is, how did you get this far. I think that in your case it is a case of declining interest in sex as shown by your comment, "I'm cranky all the time because I always feel pressured for sex/physical affection when I really don't want to."
As to what you should do. Well find out why you feel the way you do, and if it is likely to change. As far as straight advice without second guessing your situation. A relationship with sex and no marriage will generally outlast a marriage without sex.
You say it is understandable that he wants a lot of sex, then ask if there is too much emphasis, and can we just overlook it.
Well way back when there was this theory that women should not enjoy sex. But, it was necessary to keep a husband. Are you thinking of getting into this kind of a relationship? If you are, are you willing to fulfill his needs even when you don't feel like it? That is what those women did way back when. Most women now days would not agree to that.
If you go to him this week and say, I'm not attracted to you, and most times I don't want to have sex with you, he is not going to react well. You may never see him again. He will probably think that you have been faking the relationship all along.
If you go to him instead and say "I really love you, and your needs are all important to me, I want you to be happy, but there is a problem lately . . . then you have a chance of success. Guys love to solve problems. If you solve it together it will bring you closer.
Also talk to your Dr about your birth control pills and other medications. There could be a chemical cause to your difficulty.
FA
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 September 2012):
 Do NOT believe that you (or anybody else!) can endure a "relationship" which has a serious libido mismatch.... and that's REALLY what you're "telling" us, here....
IF you don't get turned on by him (don't find him sufficiently enticing) such that you want to "be with him" (sexually)..... then you're "telling us" that you can't fulfill your sexual wants with this guy....
REGARDLESS if HE is "satisfied" with you (We guys really don't take much to "satisfy" us.... just a warm, soft lady-place!!!!).... it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY that YOU are sufficiently turned on to HIM .... such that YOU find sensual/sexual fulfillment within your relationship... If NOT... then all bets are off... and the two of you are destined to NEVER be "an item".....
Good luck...
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female
reader, helza8a +, writes (18 September 2012):
 I think that you have to go back and ask yourself do i love this guy or is he just a great friend. we all have people in our lives that seem like our other have who think like us, who get us, but that doesn't mean they are the ones we such date. Yes sex isn't everything in a relationship, but if your planing long time goals with someone it should be a person your 100% comfortable with. but like i said, you think about it, because your the one who will live with the consequences of your what you do.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (18 September 2012):
 No, there isn't too much of an emphasis on sex. A healthy sex life is essential to a healthy relationship. If you are already cranky with him about it then it's time to let go. How would he feel in a sexless marriage? He would probably say no. At this point you are friends. Getting along and having the same morals is what makes someone a friend, having an attraction along with that is what makes a relationship. To be honest you and he would want you to be attracted to him. It doesn't do him any good to have a pity girlfriend that doesn't want to have sex with him.
To answer your last questions I have turned down very nice guys that I had no attraction to. I did us both of a favor. No one wants to date a person who finds them unattractive. But before then, I once did date a man I thought I liked. He was slightly overweight and not my type at all. It made me sick to give him back rubs even. I actually cried sometimes because I wanted to be attracted to him but just wasn't. He tried to lose weight for me and did his best, which made us both feel like shit because he wasn't wanted and I felt guilty for not wanting him. It's not worth it. We both have moved onto to people that make us happy in every aspect, not just some.
It simply can't last without some attraction to the other. It isn't shallow to feel this way so don't beat yourself up over it like I did. When you find someone who ticks all of your boxes, attraction included, that's who you should marry.
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