A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been going to marriage counselling now for a few months,during these sessions i have found out that he has cheated on me more times than he had confessed.Sorry its long but a bit back ground on my problems,Feb 08 i was told by a person who worked with my husband that he was seeing a married women who was 20 years younger than him(he is 48)when i questioned him he finally admitted it,I wanted to know everything how long it had been going on(4 months) where he took her etc,he had also brought this women to our home when i was at work,taken her to a hotel where our son had got married 5 months before,and brought her valintines presents,I also found out that he had cheated 3 years into our marriage that one lasted 2 weeks(with a friend)then with another co worker(lasting 7 years)i was totally gutted and after months of coming to terms with this we deceided to stay together and work on our marriage so we going to relate.WE had a seperate meeting to talk about what we feel went wrong,with me i was abused when i was 8 years old this went on till i was 14 and i thought that sex was dirty and something that should nt be enjoyed,and i found it hard to show affection my husband knew all this before we got married.HE told them that he felt that i never wanted him and when women showed an intrest in him he couldnt help himself,he didnt want anything apart from sex.Since we have been going to relate i have learned that my h/b has cheated 6 times in total this i cannot accept as he swore that he had told me everything and now we are back at the beginning,all the trust that was gained now gone is it worth carrying on?My h/b says how sorry he is and he loves me more than ever and he's pleading with me not to end our marriage as we have come so far and apart from me learning to get the trust back everything is better our sex life is good we do most things together we talk,and he says that is why we went to relate to get it all out in the open now its time to forget the past and look to the future.I survived child abuse but i dont know anymore what to do please help and give me your veiws i am totally confused and i dont think relate is much use now,is it worth me trying to save what little is left or is it time i moved on?THANKS FOR READING.
View related questions:
at work, cheated on me, co-worker, move on, sex life Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009): To the Original Poster, you have come such a long way in this battle with your marriage. Do not listen to the last woman (the mistress)saying that you will just have to accept it. And that with time you will learn to accept it. This is utter nonsense. This is just talk from a mistress justifying her involvement with a married man.Realise this, the last poster says that her lover “will also not leave me for her” meaning the wife. What she is actually saying is that she has made up her mind to be the mistress for as long as it takes. She has demeaned herself in accepting that role. She has accepted it that way! You don’t have to as a wife. Yes, we all hear from mistresses how the lover is only staying with the wife because of the kids, blah, blah, blah. What nonsense, the MM stays with his wife because HE WANTS TO. And the mistress just has to accept that. The mistress deludes herself into believing that the wife is not providing some “investment” in the husband therefore he stays married. I FEEL SORRY FOR THIS MISTRESS because she is so living in la la land. Five years and counting, she chooses to be the OW, and she has given her MM so much power over her. She has accepted that her MM will never leave his wife, she has accepted that she is just OW. She is actually a slave to her MM, In fact her MM is living in paradise. What man would not want his wife and the bit on the side (meaning the OW). The OW makes it so easy for him anyway. The mistress has decided to share the MM with his wife, it is a decision she has taken and is happy with it. She will not change it because she is happy with just a few stolen moments, living in shame as the OW, living the exciting, forbidden life of the OW. Feel sorry for her because she has decided that a sub standard life is what she has settled for. The mistress is happy that her lover will lie and cheat (regarding her existence). If he is lying to his wife, imagine the lies and stories he was feeding his lover about his family life. Wow, that married man is having his cake and cream too. Her carefully chosen words speak volumes about what she will accept in life and she is happy with being second best. In fact although she makes it seem that the wife is the one who has to accept things, it is actually the other way around. She is either just too naïve or too stupid to realize it. So please do not bullshit the OP that she has to accept her husband’s behaviour. OP hold your head up high and continue in your attempt to get your marriage right. If it doesn’t work out at least you gave it your all. Then he can go to his sloppy seconds, after all the sloppy seconds will take anything in life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009): I am speaking as the other woman. I am in a relationship with a married man for 5 years. Her wife kind of found out about me. However, I dont know what ways he used to convince her that he will not leave her and she was taken in by him. He will not leave her for me. However, he will also not leave me for her. Its vice versa as he loves me too. For her, its kind of responsibility to her being the mother of his kids.
If you love him, you will just have to accept it that way! Its painful both for the wife and the other woman. But love is so great that it overides the pain. Through time, you will learn to accept it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): Hi, although you are confused i think that you still love your husband and want to salvage this marriage. Although your husband cheated sexually over the years I think that he has emotionally gutted you as well. Six times of infidelity, only for sex, with one relationship lasting 7 years. Surely this relationship was more than just sex. He invested in this relationship and the OW. If he is coming clean after all these years he needs to admit that perhaps it was all not about sex but also something more meaningful and deeper. I am wondering whether your husband is a serial cheater and whether he is only attracted to younger females. If so, sadly he will not change his ways but for now let's give him the benefit.I am glad you have admitted that your past may have had an impact in your marriage. At least you are also sharing the blame for the breakdown of the marriage. All i can say is that you have also invested so many years in your marriage. Trust has been repeatedly broken by your husband's betrayal but you can move on ONLY IF HE IS 100% HONEST. You need to take this one day at a time and learn to heal and also forgive him. Your husband has to prove to you that he is trustworthy again but please be careful. He has lied so many times. You do not want to continue investing in this marriage while your husband moves on to another female. The new concept is 'eyes wide open" , so try but be vigilant for the truth. Your husband is so lucky to have a wife that is still willing to try and try you must until you have left no stone unturned in an effort to save your marriage.But if you have tried EVERYTHING, and the problem persists then you need to walk away, with your head held high. This decision once made needs to stick through the good and bad.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): Poor, poor you. I discovered last June that my husband of 31 years had been having a 'text affair' with a married colleague 20 years younger than him and that was bad enough. I stupidly assumed it had stopped after that but I discovered some more he forgot to delete the day before our wedding anniversary at the end of July. Thank god one of hers said she felt guilty leading him on as they'd done nothing yet or otherwise I would have been sure that they had. I don't know how I could have forgiven that as it's bad enough as it is. Nearly a year on and I am still tormented although we are more in love than ever before and he has convinced me he is truly full of remorse. He gets very angry when I mention it and I have to try and bottle it up. I am afraid I can't advise you as I can't imagine how you are coping. I so hope you have a happy ending x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): THANK YOU for your replies.
GINA a special thanks i read some of the advice you give others and you really do help with what you write. I will take on board what advice has been given and hope we can survive as 30 years is a long time to throw it all away as it was not all bad even though i never knew that he was cheating,and things have been better since i found out about his infidelity,i really do hope that for him it is over as i dont think i could forgive him again and i have told him this, there will be no more chances.
He says that he does not need 1 he's been stupid,selfish,and he is so lucky to have me after all we have been through over the years and he will never risk losing what we have now,so hopefully there will be a happy ending once i can learn to trust him 100% again X
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): He cheated on you SIX times. This wasn't a one off, a stupid mistake. No he kept on sleeping with other women and disrepecting you, I don't understand how he can love you yet cheat and then come back home too you with no guilt. I wouldn't be able to forgive that
...............................
A
female
reader, didda123 +, writes (30 March 2009):
 You have done the right thing by going for councelling but hurtful things were bound to come out and i suppose he has been honest, he could have very easily kept things to himself but he must feel he wants a clean slate to start again.
He is right that was the whole point of going to relate he has been able to discuss his issued and you have hopefully made some progress dealing with your child abuse.
Saying that I am of the opinion that leopards never change their spots and like you i would find it very difficult to believe he can actually change his ways when another woman comes along and turns his head he is effectively drowning at the moment and will probably say anything to try to keep your marriage afloat!
I know it will be difficult but now that everything is out in the open you can try to regain the trust you once had and build on that.
I still think that you could give him one more chance just make sure he knows that this is the last and if he steps out of line again that will definately be it and you must stick to that.
Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (30 March 2009):
 Going to Relate was a good choice because he has opened up in there and he needed to do that he wants to start afresh so he has to come clean as to how many before he can wipe his slate clean and start again with you, and as much as this has hurt you to discover the amount he has cheated with it had to be said.
Most probably your childhood abuse has affected your intimacy with him and as much as i can understand why he cheated if it was for intimacy and love he may not have been getting with you i dont think it excused it, but it happens in a lot of marriages sometimes people do get feelings that are hard to over ride and they cheat!
What we need to do now is build on what you have now, forget his past that has gone now he has told you he is sorry and wants to repair the damage he has caused and rebuild his marriage with you, he could have walked away but he hasn't so you have to see these other women meant nothing to him apart from a release for him to have sex he has not stayed with any of them apart from the one you say lasted 7 years, that one i would make sure is totally out his system and all things related to that are dead now.
He has to regain your trust, your heart, your love etc: all this is possible with the correct help and attitude it will be about better communication with one another and compromise, i would urge you to seek counselling for your childhood abuse because if it has never been addressed properly it will surface here and there and you need to find a way to put this out your head for good now to allow you to have a healthier outlook on certain things.
If he is totally remorseful and wants to try again then why not give him that chance all you can do is try! if he and you can put this behind you i am sure you will be able to resolve these issues, it will be harder on you because your the victim here, but in some ways he is too, so compromise on many things talk like there is no tomorrow don't build things up and let them explode talk about them before it gets to that, and he has to be transparent now for you to trust him again and he can do that in many ways, making sure he allows you access to his phone, e-mail etc, everything will get checked for months maybe over a yr it will take you to get back on track, it is not easy but you can do this as long as your both committed to one another now, you will have days where the tears will fill a river let them fill that river cause you have been hurt and betrayed your grieving now for what you have lost with him and that has to be released, time will help with this i had days i thought i would never stop crying but it does stop after a while everyone heals at different paces so you take your time dont rush it, he will have to be very patient with you and you him, be civil to one another even the days when you feel you want to wring his neck try and avoid that cause it will set you back, think positive and live each day in the day, tomorrow is a long way away so live in the day only.
You can do this i would at least give it a try you can decide what you want once you have calmed down and got your head around this because it is unwise to make rash decisions in the heat of the moment so take your time i wish you both well.
...............................
|
