A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 23 and have been with my girlfriend who is 21 for 5months now with one break up during that time. i have graduated college and she is in her senior year and goes to school which is two hours away from me. we fell in love over the summer where we both live and now that she has gone off to school our relationship is really suffering. i make all the effort i can to see her every weekend and and she would every now and then come home here to me. but when we do get together all she wants to do is go out and get drunk and do the whole college thing but i am pretty much over that. and when i come to see her i dont want to spend my time getting drunk with her and her immature friends. so we have been fighting avbout this pretty much every weekend which is the only time we get to spend time together. her friends are always on her to go out and i just feel like im holding her back. everything in our relationship is fine besides this issue, when i see her all i want to do is just spend time with her not the bar scene. recently i had surgery and when i was recovery i tried texting her bcuz i cudnt talk on the phone and she repsonded to me every 45 minutes and didnt seem to care at all or was concernded at all and then she tells me that she out with her friends thats why she was so slow to respond to every text. i was really hurt by this and just feel like she is in a different place in her life and isnt ready to show serious commintment. so that happened and the next night i find out she has been smoking ciggerets behind my back when she promised me earlier in our relationship that she would quite. she had been doing it behind my back sence she left for school and that just made me really question everything. how could you hide something from me for months even if it is just ciggeretes what else are you hiding you know? your two hours away from me in a collge town and always going out so i lost all trust and broke things off. couple days later we talked things out and felt really good about everything. that was two weeks ago. last night we got into a another fight over going out. she came home for fall break and it was her first night in town and she had made all these plans to go out with all her friends that are back in town also and didnt dicuss any of it with me. i just wanted to be included but she had one thing in mind and that was going out. so she broke up with me and said maybe we are just in different places and i am being selfish. and i said i dont want this please just talk this out with me. she got into the car with her girlfrieds and ignored my calls and texts all night and then called me drunk at 3am wondering what im doing? what the hell do you think im doing? worried sick about you and have been broken up with and she acted like nothing had happended im guessing because she was drunk. anyway, long story short i do love her very much and she says all these things to me about how much she loves me and wants to be with me forever. to me she is all talk and doesnt show me she cares or is willing to put me first in the relationship not her social life. i know we are young and going out is what ppl do i want to go out with her just not like this. i want to make this work but cant contiune to feel second when i put her before anything.i just feel like she should be pretty much over the whole collge life in her senior year and expressed to me how she is over it and just wants to get through so she can be with me all time. but when it comes down to it she never shows me what she says. what do i say to her do i contact her and when she does contact me what do i tell her? im i being selfish?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): Well she said she doesnt want anyone else and doesnt want me to be with anyone else but doesnt think that we are going to work. that we are in two different stages in out lifes like you said and he doesnt feel like she will ever be good enogh for me and wants to be herself. i am willing to try to make this work but she has pretty much made it clear that she is done. she says she loves me and that this will be very hard for her but be best in the long run. should i just accept this and move on? we have said and been through alot together and made alot promises which i dont want to throw away on this but maybe i have no choice. what to do from here?
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 It is not selfish, but at the moment you are both just at two different stages of your life. You are wanting to settle down and she is wanting the hectic social life with her friends. Nobody is right or wrong here. She wants to meet up with her friends and go out, where as you want to sit in. This is the one major problem with the age difference between you both. But she needs to try and meet you in the middle somewhere. Split her time with her friends. If she goes out one night with her friends and spends the other with you maybe that would help. You cant stop her from going out that you know. But ask her could she try and spare one night a week where it can just be you and her doing something together.
As for her lying to you about smoking, my guess is that she knew you didn't like her smoking and this is why she kept it from you, yes she may have been wrong by hiding it, but am guessing she was just trying to avoid an argument. You need to tell her how it made you feel her lying to you. Tell her you would prefer honesty.
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