A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Premise: It was a whirlwind romance that started out as an innocent friendship ended with a declaration of "I like you" and talks about what it would be like to be married and plans of a future together, but due to current circumstances we had to end it. It only lasted about 2-3 mos. but we had a couple of conversations after that as a way to clear things up. But here's where its hard for me to forget or closure and I want to know why do you think he never answered this last question of mine:I sent him a letter to know if what happened with us was real, if there was a connection or was that really just out of friendship? ''Please tell me if you don't have feelings for me to help me move on. I just don't want this to be a repeat of my past not knowing, losing someone because of a misunderstanding. I'm not asking about what's next. I just want to know the truth."1. Do you think he didn't answer because he wants it to be over and doesn't want to hurt me further by saying he never really cared? Or is it because he does care but can't say that he did so I COULD move on? I hear news about him still as I'm sure he hears about mine because we have similar friends but we have lost touch for 1 year now. 2. if I include my "breaking up" with him. I know its over now because everytime there's a friends get together that he and I were invited at, he would come up with an excuse to not be around.I still miss him but I tell myself it's over now.
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (23 August 2016):
 A certain amount of awkwardness often follows any kind of disruption/interruption in a friendship or romantic relationship, which many folks will try to avoid by walking away. That does not mean they hate you or can't stand to be around you. They're just trying to avoid what they think might be an uncomfortable situation.
You show that everything is ok but acting normal and not giving any indication that you even noticed. When they see that you're relaxed and normal, they will eventually become more at ease and then they will be back to normal.
You don't have to draw attention or have a discussion about everything. Sometimes, talking just makes things worse.
So leave it be now and just move forward with your own life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI meant he decided to pursue another girl. Now, he has a girlfriend which might be serious. I have no idea nor do I care to find out. I know all these things because our common friends would just talk about him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCiar, that's a great advice: Being able to go on my routine without purposely considering him (be concerned if he's there (meaning I shouldn't show up) or not (I'll show up). This letter was triggered 5mos. after he had agreed to see me in person (months later after things were over). It was to just give him a personalized gift I regretted I got but couldn't return to the store and he loved it. It wasn't to get back with him. I was surprised at how we were because it was like we never "broke up". We were talking, joking etc., like old time. Finally, he asked how I've been etc. And when I said ok I guess this is it, I was smiling but I know I'll miss him. And he was the same. The sadness in his eyes, ill never forget. Anyways, the letter was triggered because I happen to be in the same place as he was and I knew that he walked out after he heard me talking to our friends because I saw him first but didn't say hello yet. I was too hurt by that action because I thought he said he wanted us to remain "civil" or "friends" afterwards. So I wrote him a message and when he never responded, it was then that I felt like a fool or started doubting what we had because I told him from the beginning, I prefer honesty over people worrying if truth hurts or not. And he said yes, he will be honest with me. He said he doesn't spend time with someone unless he wants to and he will tell me if his feelings have changed. He never did that part and I reassured him my feelings have nothing to do with the reason why I needed to end what we had. I asked how we will be when we see each other, will we act like strangers? He said we'll say hello and be friends. So I guess he couldn't or don't want to be friends or he was never sincere towards me or it was too much for him to handle. In any case, I know I'll never find out why. Thanks for your opinions. It will help me let this thought end. I sincerely doubt there's any chance of us again because he decided to go back to his gf and I'm still not ready for a relationship, even with him.
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female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (21 August 2016):
If you can go about your normal routine, see your friends as you would without trying to see or avoid him and without pursuing him with questions or post break up reflections.
It will get better with time.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 August 2016):
 The reason he didnt answer is because for him its over...for good...and he wants nothing to do with you ever again.
If he had answered your question and said that he DID have feelings for you then he would have thought that you'd corner him and want to start a relationship again. If he'd said that he didn't have feelings for you, then you may have gone ballistic on him, accusing him of leading you on and breaking your heart.
The safest bet was to keep quiet and avoid you in order to be caught in an uncomfortable position...which is what he did.
I have a feeling he's moved on to someone else and wants to delete this chapter from his life.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 August 2016):
 You are telling yourself it's over... but you are not listening to yourself.
Otherwise you would not even have sent him that message. You broke up, you choose, or were forced to, terminate your relationship. "Circumstances " would not allow to carry it on. Then it's ended, it IS over , The End.
You have got to move on anyway, whatever he feels / may have felt, so why insisting on the post-mortem of the relationship.
You ask him questions that he does not know how / does not want to answer. If he played you from day one and never had feelings, do you think he'll take the pain to admit it in written ? He should have the tough skin of a rhino and the malice of a poisonous snake. He knows he hurt you somehow, and even if he does not love you anymore, hopefully he does not even hate you, so he would not enjoy the process of hurting you some more.
If instead he still has love feelings... he is being sensible. You have decided to call it quits, what's the point of rehashing the past and stirring up drama / painful emotions on both sides ?... If one has to move on, the least he / she looks behind , the better !
I know, this answer does not satisfy you, because you want to know WHICH one was it, did he care or did he not, was it "real " or was it not real...
Uhm. I am leaning a bit toward " not real ", and I guess he knew it at some level. Not because I want to be negative or pessimistic at all costs. But because I believe that deep down everybody with a minimum of common sense KNOW ( even if they dilike and fight this knowledge ) that it's only real what can happen, what is possible- what can be done. And NOW, not in a vague undisclosed future.
If there are circumstamces preventing you from being together- then it cannot be " real " and he knew it.
A crazy wife in the attic ( like in "Jane Eyre" ) whom he cannot divorce ? A work that keeps him stuck at the other end of the globe ? Being jobless ,penniless, financially and psychologically unable to sustain a dating situation ?..
It is what it is; it may not be your fault, it may not be his fault- but then, it cannot happen, it cannot be more than a temporaray escape or fantasy , it cannot be " real ".
This not because I think that only long term is real. Something can be short term and real too. It's not about duration, it's about conditions and circumstances ( having the freedom, the time, the place, the health, the money, the will, the etc.etc. ) to make it work.
These conditions are not there , so it could not work- so you have got to move on. With, or without his answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your opinions. I think you're right about "acceptance" Carr. It's taken me awhile to accept that it is over. Do you think that a good way of gauging that I have moved on is if I face him in person again? I have done every possible way for us not to come in contact again but we do ran in the same circles and I'm upset that I'm avoiding MY friends so I wont have a chance of seeing him. But I wonder if avoiding him is actually making it worse for me from "accepting" it? Thank you janniepeg. Yes, its hard for me to imagine that my feelings for him are as strong as what I felt for someone else I fell in love with in the past (that was 5yrs of my life). But I don't have time for love right now and I hope that one day I'll meet a guy that would have the same things I had with him. At that time I wish we could be together but weren't both ready and we promised each other to focus on our careers and resolve our personal problems first. Thank you!
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female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (20 August 2016):
I think it's over and he wants it to be over and he's done with questions that keep it from being well and truly over.
It seems he liked you well enough, meaning that he probably wasn't a player (depending on those circumstances you mentioned) but knowing that this isn't going anywhere thinks it's time for both of you to move on. Besides, he may need time to process it all himself and isn't really to answer all your questions.
It's not closure you need, but acceptance. The pursuit of closure is the excuse we give ourselves to hang on.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 August 2016):
 He didn't answer because if he said he never had feelings, he would come across as a player, a liar, having led you on for 3 months. If he said he still has feelings, it encourages you to hold on to this romance. I don't know what current circumstance led to the break up, but it clearly showed you that just having feelings, a special connection, are not enough to keep a relationship going. There has to be practical things like money, location, or compatibility to back it up. The only consolation you have from this, is that you had a beautiful moment with him, although short but sweet.
There could be a debate on the definition of real. Some people think that only long term relationships are real. Some with romantic ideals think that life is to be lived moment to moment, and that not everyone is supposed to be with us long term. It's the small things that count in life, things that create a strong impact in your impression.
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