A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I never thought I would consider “testing” my boyfriend, but here I am dealing with some doubts that are driving me to seek action. My first boyfriend of over 1.5 years is by all initial impressions a great guy. We share the same values, respect each other, and engage in physical affection often. My gut, however, has been telling me to be wary about whether he truly loves me or not. It has been telling me for a while now. Why?Apparently, he’s always had a hard time attracting the ladies. I pursued him, he asked me out. He attempted to have sex with me early on in the relationship, but waited for me to be comfortable with him. He compliments me mainly in a sexual light. “I love you” doesn’t come up unless prompted. Like many guys, he’s a closed book, and while I’ve tried my best to cope with that, I find that it still bothers me. What bothers me most is that he has a lot of “girl friends”. He’s your typical “Nice Guy”, and that’s not what irks me. It’s that his face lights up in the company of certain girl friends that it doesn’t with me. Also, he instantly opens up in a way that makes me come out character. I turn green with envy and fret that these are the girls he really has a connection with. So here I am starting to feel like chopped liver. He remembers their birthdays and goes out his way to make it special. My birthday came and went without so much as a hoot or holler. He comments on their Facebook things (stupid, I know), and never on mine. He never asks me about my passions. I mean, where is the interest? Does he just interact enough to keep me for stable sex, but has no real care for me? That’s why I feel like pulling away. I wonder if I wander he will follow.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (30 September 2010):
Hi there. Perhaps your insecurity about these other female friends of your boyfriend is causing you to act in a needy way. This will come out in your behaviour as being anxious and wondering if you are good enough or if you are as good as these other women.
Know that you are already perfect, just the way you are.
You might also be comparing yourself to them and then seeing yourself in a negative light. Comparisons with others are never a good idea. When we do that, it almost always seems like we come off second-best. Do don't go down that path - it's not a healthy way to live.
We are all equal. No one person is any better than anyone else.
Instead, start to believe in yourself and that you are worthy and you deserve the best for yourself always. Accept yourself and like you for who you are - unconditionally. Don't let yourself be mistreated or taken for granted.
Start to gain a level of independence, and make your own life as interesting and exciting as it can be. See your own friends fairly regularly, pursue some interesting hobbies, live your life feeling positive. Don't forget to have fun, laugh and be happy.
Your life can be whatever you want it to be. You just need to have faith in your own ability to make it so.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (30 September 2010):
 This is a manipulative mind game twelve year old girls like to play, you're an adult. You shouldn't have to test your boyfriend's love in the first place. If you feel you do, that's a problem that should be discussed.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 September 2010):
Never play games like this with men. They don't work. Ever. To me, there is nothing more tiresome than a girl who plays games, such as pulling away. If you have a problem with your boyfriend, then sit down and tell him. If you pull away, he will take it literally that you're not interested and he will walk. Then you won't have him and you'll never know how he really felt. Go speak to him.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 September 2010):
 Well, I don't think that "testing love" is ever a good idea. It usually drives someone you care about away. People come up with some insane stuff too. Tricking people into having an affair comes to mind. However, what you're describing is a little different and might actually be a good idea. But before you do it, I have to ask a few questions.
Have you discussed this with him? Have you told him you wish he would open up to you like that? Have you mentioned to him that he never tells you he loves you without you saying it first?
If you haven't done these things, you should. Communication should always be your first step.
Ok, if you pull away, what are you hoping will happen? Are you hoping he will start initiating some of what you feel is missing because he will miss you?
I hate to say this, but you're right about what his body language indicates. When you add in the actions around birthdays and such, I think he may be infatuated with this other girl. That doesn't mean he doesn't love and care about you though. He's likely confused and comfortable with you. He may never cheat on you but unless you can get past this, neither of you will be happy either.
I hope you get the answers you're looking for.
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