A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Looking for other opinions Is it ok for a female coworker to complain about her relationship to a married man to gain his sympathy? Should the married man explain to her that it is inappropriate and stop inviting her to discuss her problems and literally cry on his shoulders out of respect for his wife? I appreciate any advice and opinions.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 March 2017):
 She may see him as a friend that she can speak to and I think that is okay if the man is comfortable listening to her and offering her advice. Obviously if he feels awkward then he should be honest and say he is not the best person to talk to about her problems and leave it at that. The woman could be innocent and needs someone to talk to, or she could be up to something more sinister so I guess it depends really on how and what she says.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2017): It's not right, it's his duty to say "hey you know I'm not the best person for this, I'm happily married and don't have experience in this kind of thing. You should probably speak to friends outside of work." Women looking for sympathy are often looking for attention and a shoulder to cry on. So your husband shouldn't let her continue to talk about such things and maintain a boundary between them. Men and women can be friends but it is important that it is very clearly friendship and no mixed signals are sent. Work colleagues especially, it's kind of embarrassing she's talking about relationship problems, why doesn't she talk to her actual friends or family? Affairs aren't, in my eyes, always physical. There are such things as emotional affairs where a partner is frequently talking to, messaging and meeting up with someone and building an emotional connection beyond what is 'friendly'. No woman should be literally crying on a married man about the state of her relationship. It's up to your husband to put a stop to this. Another approach would be he could simply say "I am uncomfortable hearing about your personal relationship and you should speak to your bf or see a relationship counsellor." I would be really angry if my husband used me as an excuse, saying "my wife doesn't think we should talk like this" or anything similar. He is the one who is also married and needs to respect the marriage by putting boundaries up.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 March 2017):
 To amend, the YES I spoke of was not to the question of the title, but to the last sentence of the OP's post:
"Should the married man explain to her that it is inappropriate and stop inviting her to discuss her problems and literally cry on his shoulders out of respect for his wife? "
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 March 2017):
The short answer is YES. A married man can have female friends, but there are emotional boundaries as well as physical ones. Not only that, but there are professional boundaries as well, being that it's at work, and crying on someone else's shoulders on a regular basis belongs in a therapist's office and not with a married co-worker in an office setting.
I think you're catching onto her ulterior motive. She has friends and family, yet why does she choose your husband to be her emotional opiate? He's not a therapist or psychiatrist. He's not her brother, nor her father, nor her mother or sister. She likes the attention your husband gives her, so she plays the role that has gotten her attention - that being the damsel in distress.
She also knows that he's in a spot. Co-workers are tricky. I think he should tell her that a marriage counselor (or a relationship counselor) is better suited to listen to her.
And, if she's texting and calling him and pulling on his time OUTSIDE of the office, that's a big no-no, especially if you're uncomfortable.
Not only that, but how would she feel if her husband were opining to another woman about his relationship problems with her, and literally hugging a woman over and over?
Let's bring it even closer to home...would your husband want YOU acting like this girl with another man? Would he want you folding into another man's arms and telling him what's wrong with you and your relationship?? OR, what if a married man gave you a bunch of attention?
The female co-worker is stroking his ego. It's a prelude to an emotional affair, and he's playing with fire for not shutting it down. If he's getting drained by her and he's fatigued by her, even better. He can use you in saying "My wife does not want me playing therapist with you, and I love her."
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (8 March 2017):
 Obviously this is your husband and his colleague we are talking about. HUGS. Tricky situation.
I assume your husband is sharing what she says with you, which would seem to indicate he sees no problem with what is happening.
How strong is your relationship with your husband? If you have let things drift, perhaps this is the time to spend more quality time together and get your relationship back on track so that this woman does not feel to be such a threat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2017): Yes, it is absolutely, without a doubt, dead wrong for a female co-worker to complain about her relationship to a married man to gain sympathy from him.Yes, it is absolutely appropriate and completely necessary for the married man to nip this in the bud and distance himself from her. OUT OF RESPECT FOR HIS WIFE.He is a MARRIED man!The female co-worker is likely doing this on purpose to lure him into an affair. And if he keeps being her shoulder to cry on, the more likely it is this is going to happen if there is a mutual attraction.You need to stop things dead in their tracks when there is a perceived threat. This woman is a threat to the married man's relationship as well as to her own.She needs to take her problems elsewhere. Like maybe talk to her BOYFRIEND about them! And to a professional therapist. It is none of the married man's business. And this female has clearly overstepped her boundaries.She has no business sniffing around a married man. None.If he does not tell her to stop or ignore her, then the blame will also rest with him.It is all in HIS actions right now. He is the one who has to CUT her off. By him listening to her, he is adding fuel to the fire. He is encouraging her little fantasies. He is giving her HOPE.If he does not cut her off, then the wife has every right to play the heavy; up to the point of telling him it is over.What woman would want their husband to choose another woman over her? Because if he does not cut contact, that is what he would be doing. Any man who loves and respects his wife would easily shut down any woman who threatens his marriage. Period. You would never need to tell him or threaten him.
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