A
female
age
51-59,
*elody45
writes:I have been married to my husband for 23 years. We were young when we got married - 20 and 21. Early on in our marriage he cheated on me twice. I was not very confident back then and terrified of being alone, so I forgave and stayed. And I guess I considered them minor infractions because he "says" the encounters were just oral. About 10 years ago we were living in different states due to a job change. I received a message on Facebook one day from a strange woman asking me if I was married to so-and-so because she had something to tell me. I never replied because honestly, I didn't want to know. I also never mentioned it to him. Again, it was a weak time in my life with lots of changes, and I did not want to be alone. Now last week, I discovered he has cheated again. This time, sex was involved. I found emails describing the encounters between him and two other woman. Both in the beginning and now, he apologizes profusely and claims his undying love and stupidity, begging me to stay with him. Am I fooling myself to think he will change? What does staying with him say about me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2017): My wife is like your man. She is 15 years younger than I and has had lovers are entire time together. I love her enough to accept this but if you cannot leave. She has about 3 to 4 a year but they never last.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 March 2017):
 I hope you make the right choice for you and leave him. He does not deserve a loyal woman at home, and no he is not going to change because he knows he gets away with it. The moment you forgave him the first time he knew he could do anything and get away with it. Sweetie you deserve a man who will love and treat you properly. This man is a womanizer and a waste of space.
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female
reader, 13680042  +, writes (10 March 2017):
If you love someone you just don't cheat.
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female
reader, Melody45 +, writes (9 March 2017):
Melody45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the responses. I did not know what quality of messages would be here but they have all been very affirming. I think I was looking for unbiased people who could tell it to me like it is.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 March 2017):
 Yes, you are sooo fooling yourself- but, IMO, that's not even the point,
The point is that if even by some sort of miracle he changes - so what.
Let's say that tomorrow he has a religious epiphany , meets Jesus and sins no more. Or, that he becomes impotent. Anyway ,that for whatever reason he is not willing or able to cheat on you anymore.
Cool, but, what about the past 23 uears ?
He has been cheating on you, and disrespecting you, and telling you lies for the last 23 years. All your marriage was a sham. Sure you only caught him 3 or 4 times in 23 years, maybe you feel that once every 7 years or so is not such a terrible track record.
Well, for starters you cannot trust that it was only 3 times. He is good at bamboozling you, he did not really repent after the first time, he never came clean and fess up by himself... 3 times is when you caught him, for all you know it could be 30.
Second, he cheated on you at the beginning, when you were newly married, and then later on , after 10 years , and now recently last week. As a boy, and then as a young adult, and then as a mature man.
That means that always, throughout all your marriage, he never took his vows seriously, he never thought how his indiscretions were going to hurt you, he never respected you, and he always put his own pleasure before your happiness and wellbeing. So, ... supposing he stops cheating today... do you really have no issues with the pile of shit that he has made you swallow for the last 23 years ? Becoming suddenly able to keep his pants zipped now would fully compensate for never having been able to do that before ?...
I am sure someone will bring up the beauty and nobility of forgiveness . Sure, I am all for forgiveness and not holding grudges and not letting the past poison the present.
But I firmly believe that you can forgive people WITHOUT having to share a bed ( and your body with them ) or cook and clean for them or join finances with them. You can forgive him and wish him well... but from a safe, final distance where you will be able to preserve your dignity and put YOUR happiness and peace of mind at the center of your life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2017): I'm so sorry you are going through this.There is nothing worse on this earth.The kind of anxiety you experience every moment of every day is crippling and just eats away at you. It is unrelenting; more and more painful each day. Like you are feeling alcohol rubbing in a wound over and over. This sick feeling in your stomach persists and it is in tight knots constantly. You are always wondering where he is, what he is doing. You picture him doing bad things. Then you stop it because you are slowly going insane with these thoughts. You know they are real but you push them away not to feel the depth of the pain, which is already there on the surface. Just scraping away, deeper and deeper. You do start to create a wall to keep him out. To protect your heart. You are slowly but surely desensitizing yourself to him. You are releasing yourself of your own misery. It is a process. A slow one. And a necessary one. And you are already on this path.You want to be happy but you just cannot be. He is dragging you down. He is taking your spirit with him. He is a blood sucking vampire. He is using you and using other women too. He is a user. He is a bad person. A selfish, thoughtless, egotistical man. He has no conscience and no caring in his heart. His heart is empty to use women, especially you, this way. I would not be surprised if he was a narcissist. How long do you want to torture yourself before you break down? Because there will come a day when the weight will be far too much to carry on your weakened shoulders. You will have to be tired. Tired of feeling miserable. Tired of crying yourself to sleep at night. Tired of being strong. Tired of being weak. Tired of being cheated on. Tired of being married. To a cheater.You know what you need to do. Leave him. He is only saying what you want to hear because he wants to keep using you. And other women. And keep his life the way he likes it. You see, he IS happy. But you are NOT. And you cannot allow him to do this to you. It is in your power and control. You choose your own happiness. Or misery.Up until now you have chosen misery. But just know that deep down you are a strong woman, who wants to see the truth. Deal with it head on. Deal with the pain. Let the pain release you. Let it free you. Let it destroy you. It has to go through you. And once it does, you will come out to the other side. You will be stronger. Ready for a new life. A new beginning. Do not be afraid. It is better to be alone and HAPPY than to be alone and married to a cheater who treats you like garbage. And garbage you are NOT!Please sweetie, do it for yourself. Let him go. He is no good. He never was. You have wasted all these years on him. Please do not waste any more. Believe me, you have the courage. It is inside you. Take that leap of faith. It will not steer you wrong.Someday a man will come into your life who will LOVE you like you deserve. IT IS NOT THIS MAN! Ok? Believe me.Big hugs.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2017): Honey, are you fooling yourself that he will change? No you aren't fooling yourself, because you don't believe it any more than anyone reading your sad post here, do you? Are you fooling yourself isn't the question, have I had enough now? That's the question.
You must be eaten up with anxiety and upset. He has shown he is incapable of change, so the ball is in your court my dear. But know if you stay what you are letting yourself in to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2017): How many times does someone have to cheat on you before you realize he neither respects nor loves you?
You are so afraid of being alone you let your own husband have sex with other women. Do you realize he can infect you with HIV or some other sexually-transmitted disease? I recommend you get yourself tested. He feeds and counts on your weakness. It empowers him, while he's draining your life-force.
How would you get on if your husband passed-away unexpectedly? You would have to take care of yourself.
You are no longer a child, and you should be independent enough to carry on your life fully with or without a man to lean on. He's a totally dreadful and insensitive man. He takes advantage of your submissive-nature, and treats you like a fool. When will you bring this nonsense to and end?
You are afraid of being alone? Pardon me dear, but you are alone.
He's not emotionally available. The cad insults your intelligence with empty pleas and apologies. You're not fooling yourself. You know he isn't going to change. You're in denial, because you don't want to deal with adult decisions or leave him.
This is the sort of life that stresses women out, and they end-up dying before their no-good husbands. The stress causes their health to deteriorate; and they end up with cancer and various other stress-related ailments. He'll spend all the life-insurance money on a fancy car and cheap women. While you R.I.P.!
Internalizing psychological-abuse and living a life-time in depression and denial, shortens your life-span. Gradually, you'll become haggard, bitter, sickly, and lonely. Most scumbags like your husband usually treat their pets and beer-buddies better than they treat their wives. That's because they think their wives are clueless and stupid. They have no conscience and feel no remorse. They have no respect or regard for women. They see them nothing more than sperm receptacles and incubators. Pardon my bluntness, but you have to see things for what they are.
It's not up to anyone to tell you what to do with your marriage. What does your health and sanity tell you to do?
How does your heart feel?
Look in the mirror and see how many new lines are showing on your face since the last picture you had taken of yourself.
Do you look better now than you looked in March 2016?
Are you happy? Now what are you going to do with the rest of your life?
You've given him your best years. Now it's time to live. You can do badly all by yourself, you don't need a man to drive you to an early grave. He's enjoying other women, and you're at home being his maid, cook, and housekeeper. You're supposed to get paid for being a servant. All your services are complimentary and on the house. He lives like a king.
What would I do? Take my half of all the assets, sell the house, find myself a cute little garden apartment, a reliable economy car, and go on a cruise. I'd enjoy the end of my days and date whomever and whenever I want. I'd say good-bye to old rubbish and a miserable past!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2017): "Am I fooling myself to think he will change?"
Yes. He has no reason or incentive to change as long as you keep enabling him. He knows that whenever you catch him all he has to do is to offer an insincere apology, beg you to take him back, and you'll fall for it.
"What does staying with him say about me?"
You said it yourself: You're terrified of being alone, so you're willing to be a doormat for a scumbag who has zero respect for you as the less-objectionable alternative. You've spent your adult life defining yourself by having a man, and the idea of you becoming a strong, confident, independent woman is apparently beyond your comprehension.
You wouldn't be fooling yourself to think YOU can change.
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female
reader, malvern  +, writes (7 March 2017):
 As the saying goes, 'A Leopard never changes its spots'. It's unlikely your husband will change unfortunately. It's how much longer you are prepared to put up with this. I think there are many women in the same situation who choose to turn a blind eye because they are happy with other aspects of their life. If it upsets you to such an extent that it will drive you insane, or drive you to drink then you really need to think about leaving him. Having said that it's very difficult to start all over again as a single woman. Some women are quite happy with their own company and surround themselves with other females, enjoying theatre trips etc. but if you are somebody who needs to have a man by your side you are going to have to go through the dating scene again. You may be very lucky and meet a man who is worthy of you. I have several friends who (in their 40's and 50's) have come out of unhappy marriages and are now in happy relationships.
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female
reader, Melody45 +, writes (7 March 2017):
Melody45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honeypie. The good thing is there are no children involved. I think you reach a point where you get so comfortable, you do put your head in the sand. I appreciate your candor. You gave me a lot to think about.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 March 2017):
 Why "should" he change?
You haven't.
You are still willing to "pretend" he isn't cheating so you don't have to be alone.
Consider that for a moment. YOU know how hard it is to change YOURSELF. To make a decision that will change YOUR world 100%, right? It's NOT easy to accept that he is a cheating husband and that you RATHER live in denial than accept reality. Because IF you DO live in denial - you get to KEEP that marriage and have someone. You change the NARITIVE from an "I know he is a cheater, has been a cheater from the beginning and it's UNLIKELY he will ever change". You change it to an "If I look away it "might" stop!".
It's HARD to make changes. THAT is why YOU are still with him even though he is cheating on you AGAIN and AGAIN.
So if you consider HOW hard it is for you to CHANGE and ACCEPT it - HOW hard do you think it would be to change HIM? When you can't even make changes to yourself.
Does that make sense?
It's been 23 years and he is STILL cheating. How long are you going to "wait" for him to stop? Do you think maybe his dick will fall off and he will then become the man I WANT him to be, the husband I SHOULD have had all these years?
Someone who has "gotten" away with cheating for 23 years is NOT going to stop. He knows YOU are more SCARED of being alone than you wanting MORE for yourself. So ALL he has to do is apologize, tell you he loves you and blah blah blah. That way YOU can go back to being in denial and continue to "hope" he will change. Even though deep down (or probably not that deep down) you ALREADY know he is WHO he is and he isn't going to change. And HE knows, you aren't leaving either.
"What does staying with him say about you?"
That he is someone you care about (regardless of him cheating) that what you have you value MORE than you value yourself. That you are scared you can't make it on your own.
Which are all valid points. If your marriage (apart from the cheating) works, and you don't feel like it has made YOU into a person you don't know and don't like - maybe what you NEED to do is trying and figure out WHY this still happens (the cheating). Do you two have VERY different sex drives? Are you more like roommates than a married couple? Do you spend time WITH each other - QUALITY time?
Do you STILL not want to be alone?
I don't think it makes you WEAK for not wanting to be alone. However, it DOES make you resent yourself more than you resent him. Or so it seems when I read your post.
One of my good friends left her husband after 25 years. He drank and cheated and didn't provide squat to the family - SHE had the entire burden on her shoulders. She had wanted to leave for a long long time but chose to stay for the kids. Something many men AND women do because they think it's "better" for the kids. Anyways, she left him, she filed for divorce, she took NOTHING from the marital home other than her clothes and she started over at 41 (they got married when she was 16). A year later she remarried and I don't think she has ever been so happy with someone. Their 10th anniversary is coming up this year.
YOU can start over. You can begin life anew. It won't happen, though, unless YOU make it happen unless YOU want that MORE than what you have.
You ONLY have one life OP. Make the best of it. Whether that be staying or going. If you stay, maybe you two need some ground rules, an open marriage or what not. Putting your head in the sand won't make you happy.
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