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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Last December my husband surprised me with a gift that made me the happiest ever, it was the best gift he could have ever given me. He said he wanted to have another baby. We already have a five year old son, and although I always wanted more children, he always said he wasn't ready. But then out of the blue while wrapping presents he said he wanted to have a baby!So we prepared ourselves to start trying and in April I became pregnant. He was so excited. As soon as i told him the test was positive he called his mom and other family. Every day he was so excited, and I was excited. And then he met some new friends. They are also dads, but one is divorced and has only visitation. Suddenly my husband has cut me out of his life. It's been going on for about six weeks now, and although some days he seems close to normal (the way he always was before,) but then he goes and closes himself up in his office so he can IM with his friends. If I try to talk to his friends he says I'm spying on them, so I am just trying to busy myself with other things and not think aobut it.But I am getting more and more depressed and I feel isolated all the time. I've never had an easy time to make any friends. I have one work friend but her husband is very controlling so we don't spend time chatting outside of work. Plus our interests are pretty different outside of the fact we're both moms and the same age. So I've been working on making friends, but really it isn't easy for me. I'm just not a very likable person for some reason. Even my family members rarely speak to me (I put up messages about the baby, or good news, and it is rare that anyone responds.) I've also been trying to find new hobbies to distract myself.Anyway, I have come to realize I'm no longer excited about having a baby. I'm getting so depressed and I feel like I'm losing my mind. My husband never asks how I'm feeling, or how the baby is. When I say the baby is kicking he doesn't care to even try to feel it move. I feel completely alone and I don't know what happened. I miss my husband so much and when he does come out of his shell I have been isolated from him so much I just wish I could freeze time. I'm not generally that way. Is it normal for husbands to just stop being excited? It is normal for them to just shut down? And is it normal to stop being excited to have a baby? I don't want to take anti-depressants because they can hurt the baby. I would rather be depressed than take a drug that could give my baby serious health issues. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (12 September 2011):
 Is the divorced friend named "James", or did you write about this issue last week?
It's much easier to have ONE conversation thread with ALL of the pertinent details.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know. I know he has several male friends but there are also som female friends in the group. I know one made him this really cool thing on photoshop but she makes them for all the guys, he was open about me seeing it and knowing she made it, and posted it as a big deal on Twitter, (look at this amazing thing she did! He never does anything like that for me. He didn't even post about our ultrasound. In fact, I don't even think his friends know I'm pregnant.) She is the threatening one... "southern bell and fitness instructor." That's her own description of herself. There is another girl who is a lesbian in a very commited relationship, and one girl who may or may not be a lesbian or is perhaps bi... Like I said, I don't get to talk to them, primarily because if I do talk to them they ignore me. Like I said, I don't exist to these people. I'm the invisible woman. These are just things I've learned from paying attention when I get the chance. :( And I mean he let me sit with him and didn't go on about me smothering him. I know I"m embarrassing because I'm fat, and not pretty, and I am a real nerd and I make nerdy jokes. Usually people don't laugh, they just look at me. And if I get too friendly then it becomes "why are you flirting with my friends." I just keep telling myself everyone deserves to have friends, I don't want him to not have friends. I just with he wasn't being so secretive like he's hiding something. If he is talking to the girls I have no idea, I can't see who he is talking to, the only one I've seen is his friend who is a dad but not married. It was even only by accident I learned his friend even had kids at all.I'm sorry, this is all too much. -.-
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female
reader, rile962  +, writes (12 September 2011):
I agree that a serious talk is in order, and even marriage counseling if necessary. It may be normal to have some apprehension over a new baby, but it is NOT normal to have a sudden, huge change in behavior. That is almost always an indication that something is not right. You're trying not to smother him all the while your gut is screaming at you that somethings wrong. Follow your gut and speak with a professional if you need help figuring things out and your husband won't cooperate in a discussion with you. Best wishes.
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (12 September 2011):
I would like to echo Honeypie's vehemence on this topic. He 'let' you sit with him? You are always available to him? It sounds like you are being way too conciliatory.
You should sit him down and have a talk. Be firm. If he gets upset, he is a big boy and will get over it. You are upset, too.
As an aside (and not something to be brought up to him without solid proof) is there any kind of chance he is talking with a woman?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 September 2011):
 You need to sit him down and give him a serious wake-up call. This new baby was as MUCH his idea as yours. JUST because SOME of his male friends have been through divorce and the "ugly" side of splitting up doesn't mean that YOUR marriage is going to fail.
He needs to be there for YOU and the kiddos.
I can understand totally why YOU stopped being excited too. He is a serious party pooper!
Maybe there is a lot going on in his mind hearing about how other men get "screwed" when it comes to their kids and money in a divorce, but if he does NOTHING isn't HE heading that way? Isn't HE the reason the marriage might not work?
In the end, I would sit him down and tell him how you feel as gently as possible, no accusations (even if you think them) - get him to talk to YOU. If that doesn't work, I would suggest you find a marriage/couples counselor.
And I agree with the NO drugs during pregnancy. But you need to stop kicking yourself over this. Take the bull by the horns and find out what is UP with your husband.
Mugs Mama!~
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have tried talking about it a little bit. He gets defensive pretty easily and dismissive. But after I hadn't seen him for over a week I watched the game with him, and at one point he snapped at me that I was smothering him, and I told him how lonely I was and not trying to smother him, and that I miss him so since he was home I just wanted to spend time together, and we always watch the game together usually. He let me sit with him after that and was more attentive that day, but since then I've been trying to keep some distance so he doesn't say I'm smothering him (which is when I started looking at new hobbies.) We were not arguing at all before this happened. In fact, our relationship was at its best and this happened suddenly, when he met his new friends. It was like someone turned a switch in his head. A few times he has snapped at me accusing me of trying to spy, which I am not, but that makes me paranoid that he's doing something wrong. He closes his IM screen instantly, or if I touch him (like brush his shoulder, which I do often when I walk by,) when he's typing he snarls at me "can I help you?" I don't look at his screen. I don't want to be a snoop, but it makes me wonder what is going on. :( I know he is talking to his friends but what are they saying that has to be a secret? We've always been open before. He is fine with our son. Except he has been spending so much time with his friends our son does tell me he misses daddy. They are really close and used to spend tons of time together, now it is quality time but just less. I keep trying to be pretty and available for him. Like I said sometimes it is like the fog lifts and he is there and sees me. He starts talking and confiding in me, and I say, oh it is a phase. Then suddenly he sinks back in and I'm just so confused.
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (12 September 2011):
Even if you were not pregnant, I would not take drugs to stabilize your emotions when we know if is not a chemical imbalance - it is simply that you are not happy in your current life situation. It is far better to fix what is making you unhappy. The great news is that we know what is going on.
You are doing all of the right things - investing in yourself and trying new hobbies. Have you tried taking a couple of classes which get you out of the house and surround you with people with common interests?
Aside from this personal investment (which is recommended for everyone at every time!), you don't say whether or not you have tried to talk to your husband about your feelings of isolation.
Have you? How has that gone? What did you say and what did he say? Have you ever been through something like this with your husband before? Have there been any arguments that led up to this odd behaviour? Also, how is he with your 5 year-old? Has that relationship changed?
If you haven't tried talking to him, then I strongly recommend it. Of course, some greater clarity about the other things I have asked would make it a lot easier to offer some guidance or input.
Good luck in the meantime. :-)
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