A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years. He doesn't believe in marriage, so, we're not married but we own a house together and have always been very close; the only thing a married couple has that we lack is a ring. After all this time together, I still love him dearly. Recently, (within the last 4 months) he has become very close friends with a girl we work with. I thought this was odd and it made me terribly jealous, as they text and hang out quite a bit, and she is single. He never turns down an invite to hang out with her and her group of friends. They have even designated Thursday's for their "nights out" at the bar. And often he'll get an invite for the weekend as well. To the beach, movies, bowling, whatever. When confronted, he said that she is just a friend, that he likes to hang out with cause she's a lot of fun. Confrontation about this subject always leads to an argument.The biggest problem is, he no longer invites me to hang out with them because "I make him uncomfortable" around other women and he "can't be himself." What is that supposed to mean??? He told me that he likes to hug this girl, and her friends, when he say's goodbye and that I probably would get mad... so he hangs out behind my back. I am SOOO JEALOUS and it's really hurting our relationship and my self esteem. My boyfriend has made it perfectly clear that he "won't give up his friends for me." I would never ask him to. And, I do trust my boyfriend. But I do not trust this new group of *single** and very attractive women he has chosen to befriend. But, if he really cared about me, wouldn't he make sacrifices to save our relationship? I mean, am I not also considered a friend???
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jealous, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (23 May 2010):
 Gosh, some guys just got it all.
I don't complain to my girlfriend that she makes me feel uncomfortable when I date other women. Because having my balls ripped off is a tad worse then uncomfortable.
Can you give me your bf's email so I can find out how he got you so well trained that you stay at his house, clean and feed him, are available for sex yet he can spend his free time with other women?
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (23 May 2010):
 Why in the world, after 8 years are you not married?
He doesn't believe in marriage? Thats BS - he just doesn't see himself married to you. He enjoys the comfort of having you around, but without the long term commitment of marriage.
The probelm with your boyfriend is that he is extremely selfish. He cares more about his enjoyments and wants than you. Obviously it is difficult to leave - you have been with him for 8 years after all. However, its a great time to think about what you want - marriage, kids...commitment, friendship...
Why be with a man that doesn't view you as a friend and marriage partner? A man that really truly cares about you would not be doing something that makes you uncomfortable. Partnership is all about sacrifice, but he's not even willing to change a thing in this situation!
This is just a symptom of things to come. Its time to make some tough decisions for what is best for you. Marriage, kids, friendship....don't throw these things out b/c he doesn't believe in it or is selfish.
My BF who isn't an angel himself says you're bf is being a jerk. Big hug.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): if he has made it clear that he will not give up his female group of friends for you, i think you really know the truth, but don't want to face it. it is a very hard nut to swallow, but maybe it is time to move on. easier said then done i know, but he is disrespecting you big time.
if he is telling you that he is uncomfortable if you were there, he is up to no good.
just remember keep your head up and end it and keep your self esteem. you are the better person.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 May 2010):
 And that's why people should never commit to guys who won't commit. They're leaving open the possibility that something better will come along.
It's NOT normal for a married/committed guy to go hang out with single girls. How would he feel if you turned the tables and some hot guy were to hug all over you?
He is taking you for granted. Maybe it would be good to give him a taste of his own medicine. Start dressing to the nines, and not for him. Start going out yourself and not telling him everything you're up to.
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A
male
reader, RyanS  +, writes (23 May 2010):
 I don't like the way your bf is speaking to you and his actions are not that of a guy in a relationship. You are justified in feeling jealous. The thing that bugs me is not his friendship with other girls but the fact that he does not want you to be with him when he is with them, because you won't like it.
I think he has got bored of the relationship and is trying to seek a spark/fun outside. Even if he does not aim to have sex with those other girls, I am fairly sure, one of them will like to bed him just to make a trophy. You won't believe, there are many guys and especially girls who can't stay in long term relationships and they offer themselves for sex readily, and it can break a relationship if there is any chink in the armor, like in your case, where your bf is not acting serious.
Ask him this: if those girls are giving you all the fun, what are you getting from me? Just remember, single girls in a group is dangerous for any couple. They (one or more of them) will probably not hesitate to bed him, and then move on to the next guy.
Tell your bf that this behavior is hurting you and the couple, and he needs to cut down interaction with these girls. Somehow I feel he has decided that this relationship does not matter to him.
You sound like a nice and gentle girl. Please tell him the above things in a firm tone and tell him that he needs to include you too, or you will leave him if he continues like this, because you also want to be a with a guy who loves your company. Wish you happiness.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): Your boyfriend sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. After 8 years, I'd say he's getting bored of the relationship and starting to enjoy the companionship of other women. Sorry, but it's likely the truth.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 May 2010):
 If he really cared about you he should not be going out with the other girl and her friends.He has no respects for your feelings.
I am afraid ,you have been designated as a home buddy and nothing more. Someone to come home to like a piece of furniture or a pet.
If you do not put your foot down or tell him your limits and boundaries, your relationship will face stormy days ahead.
Either way you will have to seek a consensus or compromise over this issue or your relationship will be put to great strains.
He has taken you for granted and that you will be always besides him since you both bought the house.He is not married to you and felt that he has no obligations or commitments to you .You are probably only a FWB to him.
He wants to have the cake and eat it . You are a friend but only second class .
Your trust could be misplaced for temptations are all around him.Sooner or later he will fall into those traps.
I am very sorry, your b/f is straying from you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): Dear lady,
Why are you not getting married with your respected and loving BF?
w/o marriage, i do not think he is serious about you. It is nearly 100 % certain that you can not hold him w/o forcing him to marry you legally and putting the societal pressure around him to hang on.
you are just fooling your self otherwise.
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