A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok I started dating this sweet girl a year ago, we had known each other in campus but just as very casual friends. Just two months into our newfound love, I got this nice scholarship and had to leave the country for two years, it was a difficult decision but we agreed that in the long run, the degrees would come in handy. I could tell she was in love and for sure we have kept in touch on skype almost daily. Now recently some very disturbing things started happening, she has enrolled in a masters degree but she is jobless.She told me she has a classmate who is well "connected" and so she wants him to help her find a job. I told her its ok as long he doesnt ask for "extra favours"...but in a matter of weeks, she has changed. She looks bored on skype when we talk (yawn a lot), and the texts and facebook messages have died down. a few days ago, she told me that someone treated her to a nice comedy show in a very expensive hotel. And now yesterday, she says she has to read for exams so we cant talk on skype till after a week (the days in between happen to be easter holiday). Am worried that she may be giving in to this guy in return for a job, and its killing me coz am so far away and helpless. The worst part of it is that she has a bachelor degree in her closet but she never realy bothers to look for a job without "help". Is it normal for a woman to sleep with another man for money/job but still love her boyfriend? are my suspicions unfounded? Can I confront her, or can I give her the silent treatment? or just let her do her thing and I do my thing, which is establish contact with other potential girlfriends that I ignored because of her? Our parents know about us and expect us to marry once am through with studies. some candid advice please am so stressed
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers. Makes a lot of sense, one common thing is that I have no control of what she can or could be doing...so I guess I cant do much. But am just so frustrated with LDR, nothing is certain! Thanks again for the answers!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): You've get pretty high expectations. You've known her for a year, but you've already plotted out a future which involves you being absent for two years, returning and then marrying. Long distance relationships have significant risks, and loading high expectations on top of those difficulties wasn't too smart.
One of the risks of long term relationships is paranoia. It's very easy for you to project insecurity, and that is a total turn off and self-fufilling. Your "extra favours" comment seems so out of place as to fit.
Not being on the scene means that you can't assess these things. There's simply no point trying to second-guess.
Even asking if there is something going on can come across as being an insecure jerk, especially if there is nothing happening. You can't fix a relationship from a distance, it sort of goes into a stasis.
You're just going to have to suck it up and see how it plays out.
"Confront" or the "silent treatment" is just such a childish attitude. You're at uni, surely you are bright enough to see that a long distance relationship needs more skill in relationships than that.
What you must do is to make people look forward to your interactions. That means you have to get the frequency of things like Skype right. And if people are busy or tired then you need to take a backseat.
Your best defence is to make your life interesting. So run a photoblog or write letters and postcards. Send her small gifts as you come across something interesting. Don't channel everything through one technology. Live an interesting life apart, so that each person wants to be with the other.
That's also fair to the other person. Waiting at home for you to Skype in gets old fast. I've known people to lose a gf because another person offered a trip out of the house one evening to McDonalds rather than hanging about waiting for yet another call where the caller would say the same thing as yesterday and the day before.
Best of all, living an interesting life apart is also your best defence if the worst does happen.
(20 years in the military, married all that time)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 April 2012):
 No it's not normal. Even if it's a common thing to sell your soul to the devil if doesn't mean you have to accept it. Your parents play no part in your decision in marriage. They don't want their son to marry a woman who whores herself for a job. Before scaring you I am not saying this is what she is doing and that you may be thinking into things too much but I do see a lot of things like that happening in high profile societies because people who have advanced degrees are too proud to do things below them but need connections to do the things they think they are worth.
Before you suspect her, the thing that you need to hear is that she still loves you and stays true to you. Anyone could tell that a guy would be insecure about this but she is not making any effort to assure you. If she can't look you in the eyes saying that, then you can cut her off and not talk to her again.
Nepotism is very common but in the end it could destroy you. If a job could be given to you that easily (through personal favors), it means that a younger prettier replacement can be found easily too, then you are stuck in a cycle of selling your youth and charm until you get old and you are too afraid that no one would truly love you. I wish someone could tell young people these things before they resort to doing this. But you are not the right person to tell her this, she will just say you are jealous and you need to face tough reality.
The short answer to your question is that she doesn't love you. If she says so she is lying to you and to herself.
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