A
female
age
41-50,
*ummerspring
writes:So confused...... I have been with my boyfriend for the last couple of years. His finances are in order, mine are not. I used to be debt free but ended up going back to school and acquired my credit card debt while I was in school ( not from shopping ). At this time I am out of school, working and my number one priority is paying off my credit card debt. I have been doing a good job the last little while of not spending any money on myself, I am proud of this. My boyfriend who is financially ok continues to ask me all the time especially the last year and half where i am with my debt. Wants to know how much everything exactly is. Which I dont like telling him, b/c i feel like its my debt and none of his business. He isnt paying it off or giving me money to pay it off so I dont know why he makes it such a big deal. I dont feel like I can even be honest with him about it b/c he has this way of making me feel like I am not good enough b/c I have debt. Is my debt his business? He says he is like a open book, but I dont know everything financially about him. Nor do I ask. I have wanted to pay off my debt myself and deal with it myself. Its embarrassing and not something you want to tell people or tell the guy that you are with. I have lied to him about the amount of money that i owe on my credit cards, not to lie to him but just so it doesnt seem as bad to him so I dont hear it from him. At this point I dotn know what to say to him, I dont think he gets that I havent spent money on myself in how long and I am obviously working at paying it off. He feels like its his right as my boyfriend to know everything and if I dont want to tell him its wrong. So I just dont know what to do at this point....
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female
reader, xX_Kitty_Xx  +, writes (21 September 2010):
It would be best if you told him as if he finds out without you telling him he will wonder why you didn't tell him and might get a bit aggravated but overall it's your decision ...
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 September 2010):
 You really dont need to disclose your full debt if you are not comfortable with it - it is your debt and as you have said, you want to deal with it in your own way.
I really suggest you read through my advice and try and talk to him in a similar manner to what I suggested - that way he wont freak out. The only reason he is getting upset and freaking out at the moment is because of the lies, so if you sit him down, apologise for the lies but explain your reasons why. Once again the key points are:
1. The debt was built up because you went back to school and got a better education - therefore even though you wish you were not in debt you are still glad you have a better education and did not rack up debt pointlessly on silly things like shopping sprees etc
2. The debt is YOUR own debt, you feel embarrassed to have such a large debt and you dont feel comfortable sharing the full details with him
3. You have made a payment schedule (or equivalent) and have a firm plan of how to pay it off, and you are suceeding in this matter
4. You love him and appreciate his concern for you but you would be happier if he could back off a little and allow you to get on with paying off your debt on your own terms
5. Tell him you are glad he is an open book with you and love him just the way he is, but unfortunately you are not the same person - it is not in your own nature to be so open about something as private as finances with a boyfriend. Tell him that this is just part of your personality, and you hope that he can accept you for this and trust that you can deal with this debt yourself as a mature 30-35 (whatever your age is) woman.
I promise you this - you can talk to him without him freaking out and you having to tell him the full extent of your debt. Couples really dont need to share the full details of their finances unless a) they want to or b) one person's finances affect the other person i.e. in a marriage, sharing a house etc. Therefore in your situation you DO NOT have to share with him every last detail if you dont want to, dont feel pressured into doing something you are not comfortable with. Just talk to him in a calm manner, be loving towards him and make sure you reiterate how much you appreciate his concern, how much you love him and how you are embarassed by the debt but have a plan to pay it off. If you talk to him in the way I suggested then he wont freak out - and if he still wont accept what you are saying after you have a heart to heart well he really is not a good guy.
In a relationship it is all about communication - so for you to go to him, and really have a good talk with him then he should acknowledge this and appreciate that you made the effort to talk about this. If he cannot recognise that you have come to him in an effort to resolve the situation and still freaks out even if you are calm and explantory, then he clearly does not value communication and he is in the wrong.
But make sure you give him the benefit of the doubt, assume that if you talk to him and explain your reasons fully then he wont freak out. And fingers crossed you will sort the situation out!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (20 September 2010):
 All I can tell you is lying and hiding the truth will produce more of the same results from him.
The time has come to be totally honest with him and "put all your cards on the table" - meaning tell him the whole truth and let the chips fall where they may. You won't be able to find out where you stand with him until you do.
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A
female
reader, summerspring +, writes (20 September 2010):
summerspring is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand why he would want to know everything... but we are not livign together or even engaged. When I have told him in the past my credit card debt, he isnt the most understanding. I feel like there is something wrong with me and Im not good enough to be with or have a future with. Im afraid to tell him anything regarding my finances. I know i lied to him about my credit card total, he knows i lie to him and is upset with me over this. but how do i explain anything to him when he reacts so harshly. Thats one reason why I dont want to share it with him, is because of his reaction and the comments he makes. I dont credit card debt b/c i went on a shopping spree. I went back to school & thank god i had my credit cards to live off of or I dont know what I would of done. I just dont know how to communicate this with him without him freaking out. he feels he cant believe what I say now b/c of it.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (20 September 2010):
OF COURSE HE WANTS TO KNOW!!!
Are you seeing the bigger picture here Hunnie? The first thing I saw is that He Is SERIOUS about you! Wants YOU to be THE ONE!!! Nobody cares about someone else's finances unless they are thinking of marrying them!!!
As it stands, he would take on half of your debt if he married you right now - THAT is why is is so curious.
He wants to know if you are financially responsible!!! He is observing what you are spending money on while you still have debt to see how fiscally responsible you are with your money, your debt and your spending habits! WHY? You have told us that HE is a financially responsible young guy. He is looking for someone trustworthy to build a future with; not a spendthrift who will bury him in debt - so he wants to find out!
Perhaps your debt load is SO large - you might not want to chance scaring him off and that's why you are hiding it? Money can be the single biggest problem within a marriage, and lying about a debt load before entering into a marriage would be a huge mistake.
Now that you get the bigger picture - Can you see why he wants more disclosure? You have known this man for 2 years. I think you might want to share the details of your debt and your repayment plan with him to allay his fears about taking on a partner who doesn't mind her finances or her credit score. I'm not saying that you should hand him the PIN numbers for your accounts or give him signing privileges; that's something for after the wedding.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 September 2010):
Well this is an issue that tends to be personal preference - some people are happy to talk about finances with their partners, and other people are not.
Me personally - I do not talk to my boyfriend about my debt or finances unless I want to, and I am the one to bring it up first. I also dont ask about his finances - it is his business what he does with his money, just as it is my business when it comes to my own money.
But I have had experiences with men in the past who have wanted to know the exact comings and goings into my bank account, exactly what I have spent, what I am saving etc. I absolutely hate this as I think they have no right to know about my finances! I think the only instance when a couple should know more about each other's finances is when they are married, and before that there is no need to be so open!
So I think what you need to do is sit down and have a chat with your boyfriend. Tell him you appreciate his concern for your finances, and that you like how he is an open book but his interest in your finances is not something you are comfortable with and you would appreciate it if he backs off a little bit. Tell him you love him and want to be honest with him at all times, but sharing your financial details and discussing it with him is something you are not happy to do. Explain this is because you are embarrassed about your debt and are working really hard to pay it off. Explain that it is your own debt and you have made a plan of how to pay it off, this is a situation you have gotten yourself into and now you want to deal with it yourself.
If you just explain nicely to him and give him all your reasons that you have listed on here then I'm sure he will be fine with it. Dont go in on the offensive saying "stop talking about my money all the time, its none of your business!" as that will just annoy him and make him angry. Whereas if you tell him that you appreciate his concern, that you love him etc BUT you just need him to back off a little on this issue and give him good valid reasons I'm sure he will be ok with it.
I'm sure if he is an "open book" like he says he just expects everyone else to be the same with him, and I'm sure he doesnt realise that you are not comfortable talking about finances. So if you explain your reasons why and make it obvious that you are working hard to clear this and you know what you are doing (sometimes men can think that they know better about money hence they try and get involved with their partner's finances, even when we have a plan in place to sort ourselves out!). So once he realises he is upsetting you by talking about it and you have shown him that you are taking your debt seriously and are doing something about it, then he wont bother you so much about it any more!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): I don't feel like you need to explain anything to him; your not spending on yourself, the credit card balance, none of that. I say so especially since you think he's just going to say something to make you feel bad about it. Apparently he's given you reason to feel that way. If you chose to tell him, it should be just because you want to and not because he's badgering you about it. But on the other hand, if you all are considering marriage, this is probably something he should know. He would have to give full disclosure too.
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