A
male
age
41-50,
*ridrunner
writes:HiI have been with this girl for nearly 2 years.She says she loves me very much and wants to be with me.Normally we have a good relationship.Before she was with me she had another boyfriend whom she cheated on, with a male friend of hers from her work.After splitting up from her exboyfriend she started seeing that guy for about only 1 or 2 weeks when she met me. She didnt tell me she was in a relationship, and broke off the relationship with that guy. She continued being friends with this guy and a few months later told me she was with him when we met.I didnt want to control her and say who she could be friends with, and was happy for her to continue being friends with this guy. I would drop her off to see him and pick her up. She even baked a cake for his birthday and droped it to him and i picked her up later. About 1 year ago she told me she was meeting a female friend for a drink in evening but met him instead as she said the girl cancelled so she went to his house. When i called her she made out she was with the feame friend.She admitted it and said sorry and she didnt want me to know because i may think the worst.Any how they would text and chat. A few times i had seen on her phone sexual texts from him to her, but never anything sexual from her to him, and she would ignore them and only respond to "normal texts"I said that him texting this was unexceptable and i didnt want her speaking with him anymore as he had overstepped a boundary. She told him not to send messages like this as it wasnt right when she has a boyfriend. however he continued to do it anyway. My girlfriend will not however stop speaking to him because she says she has a clear consience as she has never said anything like that to him its ok as she will delete any messages like that and ignore them.She says she feels she owes him and his family alot aswell as they have helped her in the past in times of trouble.i lost my temper yesterday, when i thought they were not even texting each other , i saw a message on her iphone saying" how about i lube up your arse**** and get the viagra out". i was so angry i drove to his house to confront him as i feel as he is making me like a fool of me. He wasnt in but i relayed a message that i wasnt happy if you know what i mean.She says she loves me and choose me over him. She never goes out with out me and we live together. i know she hasnt cheated but i feel she isnt being loyal to me by continuing the friendship with this guy. It isnt enough to just ignore these messages and srug them off. We made up about it but i feel i have lost something that i felt towards her and am not sure if it will come back. I have had many girlfriends in the past but she is the one i have loved the most so would like the relationship to work.In my heart i love her and think i should put it in the past and forget it. But should i be thinking with my head logically. If she continues this friendship he will probably continue the same way with the messages. i dont want this to turn me into a jealous parnoid person. Any advice guys?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 That's great! Glad to hear how it worked out!
A
male
reader, gridrunner +, writes (21 September 2010):
gridrunner is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAh thanks for advice. Happily next time i saw my girlfriend she said she didnt want to talk to him again as she agreed it was wrong to stay friends when he was saying things like that to her.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 September 2010):
Dump her for it. She continues to receive the messages, and enjoys it. How long until she decides to meet with this guy? It's him or you.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (20 September 2010):
Your girlfriend obviously want to eat her cake and have it too; all at your expense.
One of the reasons why she cheated in the past was because she had no boundaries of behavior set for herself. A faithful person, male or female, is only intimate with one person at a time. Dating without sex is another thing altogether, but once you start a sexual relationship, you should not be seeing other people Who Are Sexually Interested In You, this is a boundary that married and engaged couples expect their partner to observe. A good girlfriend will also do this willingly.
Her ex-boyfriend is still sexually aggressive towards her and he falls into this category; she shouldn't be entertaining or humouring sexual innuendo from any other men if she is committed to you.
She should be behaving in ways that show you that her first obligations are to you and not to the past, not simply sugar-coating things and telling you what you want to hear when you press her for the simple truth. She LIED in order to see this man, such a HUGE red flag; she deliberately hid the truth from you in order to see this man. Actions Speak Louder Than Words.
Consider that she has used words falsely in order to do as she wishes and ignores your request to stop seeing an obviously lecherous ex who is putting moves on her; if she lies about this, how can you trust that she is faithful at all?
I would read her loyalties and affections by her actions. If you are living together, I would consider moving out. She seems a bit too immature to realize that there are boundaries within relationships. For whatever reason, she still hasn't truly settled down yet and seems to need multiple suitors to buoy her ego; and it sounds like a whole lot of pain for you to keep your heart in such an unsafe place.
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