A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im having problems with my boyfriend. We are one of those couples who have been through alot! one minute we are arguing the next minute were kissing and best friends again. But its always me who wants to work it out even if he's been really disrespectful and hurt my feelings. because we live together I don't want the tension. He never has cheated and he knows the loyalty is important however he's always looked at other girls on facebook from time to time and I catch him sending friend requests to pretty girls if they even accepts he never messages or likes photos. I'm just feeling like maybe it's me, maybe he's going off me, maybe he's falling out of love, maybe im too controlling he knows i keep a hard eye on him and i do go mad if i find him adding girls .. Really need some advice :s???
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 March 2013):
“But its always me who wants to work it out even if he's been really disrespectful and hurt my feelings. because we live together I don't want the tension”
OP, if you are the one always working it out, how do you know he would even try? If you are concerned that he’s going off of you or falling out of love you need to give him a chance to prove to you he’s not. IF you are always the one fixing things… how can he show you he wants to fix it?
You say he’s never cheated… but if he’s never cheated why do you have him on lock down?
Why are you always fighting… what is he disrespectful about.
You say you want peace because you live together and don’t want the tension. Do you stay because it’s easier than leaving?
I think the adding of girls on facebook is actually the least of your problems.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 March 2013):
 God, I just love the problems facebook causes in relationships. I swear, it's will be the downfall of society someday.
In my opinion, him befriending random hotties on FB is a non-issue as long as he's not messaging with them and such. FB is NOT real life. People put WAY too much into reasons behind posts and friending and all that other shit.
The real problem is all the fighting and the fact that he never initiates the reconciliation. Couples will argue, that's just how it goes, but there needs to be equity in the way a resolution is sought. Usually, a lot of fighting is an indication of a deeper level of problems in your compatability. How bad are the fights? Why do they happen so often? What would happen if you waited for him to bridge that gap? Would he make that effort? Are you afraid to find out? Just a few questions worth discussing with him and reflecting on yourself.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 March 2013):
 Have you actually sat down at spoken to him about this? Have you asked him why he adds pretty girls on Facebook? Have you told him it upsets you?
I dont think you are being controlling, if you are in a committed long term relationship there is no reason for either person to EVER add random people on Facebook that they have never met simply because they are attractive. It is disrespectful and shows a lack of committment to you, and it also shows that he is not taking your relationship seriously.
Regardless of whether he is talking to these girls or not, there is simply no reason for him to be behaving like this. Ok so it would be fine if he adds a girl that is a friend of a friend, and they have met before and they share the same friendship group - but random pretty girls he has never met is NOT OK.
So you need to talk to him. Find out why he is behaving this way, what is causing him to feel the need to add other girls on Facebook. Tell him how hurtful you find it and that it is disrespectful towards you.
You havent said what other things you do that mean you are controlling, so I cant really comment on that - but from what you have said about his actions on Facebook that is HIM at fault, not you.
My guess towards the reason why he is doing this is because he has settled down too young and is missing the freedom that he should have at his age. When you are 18-21 you should not be living with anyone, you are way too young to deal with that kind of committment. So he will just be missing the experiences his friends are having, he has probably taken on too much responsibility at a young age and is too immature to handle it.
But have a good chat with him first, see if you can find out why he's doing it and hopefully when he understands how much it hurts you he will stop.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 March 2013):
First of all, you have the right to expect whatever you want from your partner.
However, they have the right do do whatever they want.
When those two rights cause conflict, you have two options: learn to accept things about them that may bother you or leave them.
In this case if he's beFRIENDing girls on Facebook, that would generally be considered perfectly acceptable unless he had a history of doing it in order to cheat.
So I think the it doesn't make sense to leave him for it. That means you need to learn to accept it, otherwise your nagging with hurt, possibly ruin your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): "I keep a hard eye on him and go mad if I find..."
What are you, a prison guard? A nanny? A dictator?
Yes you are being controlling. The cause is always insecurity.
When you try to control someone all you are doing is encouraging him to become a liar and a keeper of secrets as that is how he can avoid your negativity and avoid his life being made difficult. He may not be a liar yet but if you continue controlling him odds are he will.
Best advice I can give you is to stop being controlling. That means YOU need to work on YOUR iinsecurity ssues without making him conform to what you want. It isn't his job to keep your insecurity level down when he hasn't done anything wrong. It is your job to keep your own anxiety in check.
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