A
female
age
30-35,
*tarrdustsim
writes:So 6 months ago my boyfriend really hurt me emotionally. I caught him spending our money on porn. He used to always say how much he hated porn but it's turns out he didn't. He betrayed me, lied to me and the whole experience made me feel insecure and anxious. I forgave him and said that time will tell however I've been dealing with so much anxiety about it. I don't trust him and it really hurts cause I've invested so much emotion time and live in him. When the whole thing happened he was so apologetic and promised to never hurt me again. But then after two weeks of the event he became defensive of his actions and would shout at me.I find myself checking his phone all the time. Two weeks ago I found a naked picture of a women that had been downloaded on his phone Via email. It was a picture of a real woman not a porn star or super model. I was so hurt and asked him about it. He started protesting that he had never seen the picture before and that it might of been accidentally downloaded from a advert pop up on the news. I really don't believe him. We argued all night and he swore on his family that he never seen that pic. He also swore that he didn't want to look at any other woman and that after last time he would never hurt me again. I just don't know what to believe. It's really destroying me emotionally inside. So I've been checking his phone and he's got really angry about it. He says that I don't need to worry but he's so protective over his phone. It's making me feel worse. I thought if someone wanted to show that they are honest they would do anything to prove themselves. But he seems to get Aggressive. I'm so worried that maybe he's exchanging pics with a another woman. My gut feeling is telling he's lying to me. I try telling him how I feel. How when he hurt me he destroyed my trust and that he's made me anxious/ insecure. But the things he says just makes me feel worse. For example, he said " you only want to look at my phone so you can hurt/destroy us". I said " but if youve got nothing to hide on your phone then why would it hurt/destroy us". He had nothing to say that.Why is he so angry and aggressive to me when I try to explain how I feel? When it all happened he was so apologetic but a few days later it is like he doesn't care. He says he loves me but his actions just don't add up. Yesterday night I was crying cause I was upset about it. I said " aren't you worried that your getting naked pic of a random women accidentally downloaded on your phone, don't you want to know where it came from? It doesn't happen on a normal person phone?".. He got so angry and screamed " I don't care!! I haven't done anything!".What do I do? How do I sort this out? I'm really worried that he's lying to me. I can't leave him though if I don't have solid evidence that he is lying. What if he's telling the truth? If I say to him that I think he's lying, he says " f**k off,I'm not going to be told I'm a liar when I'm not. Don't talk to me until you stop calling me a liar."Any advice would be appreciated.
View related questions:
insecure, liar, money, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, oneguy  +, writes (13 November 2015):
 There are some things called decency and dignity in this world that every person is entitled to and responsible for. Your boyfriend is showing neither, either for you or for himself. A man will surely lie if a woman penalizes him for his decisions, but a decent and dignified man will never cheat on his partner.The hardest part for you right now is ascertaining whether your boyfriend is cheating you or not. Your gut says that he is. But you are invested in this relationship, so you will need hard evidence to assuage the demons in your mind.Regarding the picture of a normal looking woman - sites like reddit and instagram actually have normal women posting their own pictures - hence, you cannot be sure if your boyfriend is cheating you based on this. One quick tip - if you can actually save that image, do a google image search on the picture - hopefully, if google doesn't filter search results, you should be able to verify whether that image is in the public domain or not.Coming to the issue of why your boyfriend hates letting you go through his phone - some people have this aversion to let their partner go through their phones. I can never understand why or how they think they can get away with it. Seeking to retain independence in a relationship is like seeking to swim underwater without gills. Death of the relationship is inevitable. Those motivational posters that keep popping up everywhere saying that love is unselfish and doesn't deprive anyone of anything are so badly misused by such people, it's sickening.The sad fact (for both men and women) is that men feel the need for a lot of sex. When I say a lot, I mean they think of it 10 times an hour. At least. Until they turn 60, then it drops to once an hour, apparently. And women need to be body builders to satisfy that kind of desire.So porn is probably going to be around. If the only reason for your partner to not show his phone to you is porn, then I suggest that you laugh at it (for yourself) but tell him that in moderation, it's ok, but in excess, it will destroy his capacity to receive love from you and give you love. Make him understand. Put him on a regimen and make him see the difference before and after.If he still doesn't want to share the phone, so be it. Let it go. It means he highly respects his need for privacy. He however should support that desire for privacy by making up in other exalted aspects of his character, namely, responsibility, decency and dignity. Full circle.You cannot keep living in this constant doubt. It is his responsibility to clear all your doubts. If he isn't holding himself up to his responsibilities, you must let go of this person and move on. Honest communication is the cornerstone of a husband-wife kind of relationship. Period.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2015): I have been in this boat, girl and it is not fun. First one thing breaks your trust and your heart, so you just want to make sure nothing else is going on so you take a look on the computer, phone, etc, and then it's all downhill from there. The man you thought would never hurt or betray you has completely wounded you.
My advice, honestly in your situation, would be to move on. It would be one thing if he was willing to open up and be honest and prove that he was trustworthy, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Tell him that you are demanding complete honesty from him, and if he gets defensive then you know that he is hiding things and the relationship is probably never going to be the same.
You need to put your own well-being above a broken relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 November 2015):
Well, MAYBE you need to consider that the trust can't be rebuild.
And that snooping his phone, checking up on him WILL NOT prevent him from breaking your trust again. Just because you two live together and date doesn't mean you have EVERY right to go through his phone. YOU can not MAKE him have like a decent BF by going through his phone. HE should WANT to do that all on his own. All it does (the snooping) is making YOU feel crazy and seem controlling. Neither something I think you want to be.
What is the point of having a relationship that is now based on distrust?
He is NOT going to own up to having downloaded or received a naked photo. Because he doesn't WANT to admit it. He wants YOU to shut up, suck it up and move one....
So now... that is where you stand. Yes you have "invested" time, effort, emotions, money etc building what you have today. BUT here is the thing... trust is EASY to lose in someone and HARD if not impossible to rebuild.
So CAN you move forward knowing that he will NOT admit that he did it, that it was wrong - that he made you empty promises from the whole paying for porn (btw WHY does that? who pays for porn? Even I who don't view porn know that there are TONS of free porn out there)... but back to the matter. YOU have to decide where you boundaries are. What you can accept and what you can't and then act accordingly, even if that means... breaking up and moving out.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2015): Hi I'm so sorry this is happening to you. He is getting very angry and defensive because he wants you to stop you asking about the things he is doing. Getting angry, telling you not to talk to him until you stop accusing him are ways to control you and stop you asserting yourself. He is clearly lying, in my opinion, and doesn't want to be called on it. His behaviour is all about control. He lied about the porn, then did it. He is a liar. He doesn't want you questioning him. He wants to do whatever he wants and doesn't want you to confront him. This is why he gets angry. To stop you asking.He is an abusive man. Emotionally abusive, which is why you feel so awful, upset and confused. Usually abusive men will use the full range of abuse open to them, which includes mental abuse, verbal abuse and then usually escalating into physical abuse. If you have not come across this kind of behaviour before it is very bewildering. Once you realise that you are not dealing with someone who is rational, logical or reasonable, it all gets a bit easier to fathom. He doesn't think like you. He doesn't want to work things out and make everything alright again. It's a little bit of a shock to learn that he wants the exact opposite. What he wants is to control you, make you totally submissive to him so that he calls all the shots in the relationship. He will do this by destroying your self esteem, your confidence, make you doubt your own judgement, your own inner voice. You said that your instinct is telling you that he's lying. Trust that instinct ...not him! You can most definitely leave him for whatever reason you want, whenever you want. You need no proof. Just be aware that if you do leave him and I sincerely hope you do (how happy is he making you?) then be very careful when you do so. Abusive men can turn very nasty when you leave, because again, they don't like you calling the shots. Alert people close to you that you trust about your predicament and have somewhere safe to go to all lined up. If you are financially independent, stay that way. You need your independence to get away from him. He will try to take that from you as well, by saying you don't need to work or you don't need your car. If he hasn't said those things yet, he will.This all happened to me and I like to try and help people who just don't understand what's happening to them, because to a decent minded person, it doesn't make sense! Please read the book that really helped me to understand what was happening and all about the tactics of abusive men. When you read your boyfriend's behaviour in between the pages of this book...it all starts to make sense! I fully expect that he is loving, charming, great company and makes you feel special...but at the same time, do you feel like you can never do anything right? That you walk on eggshells? That something isn't right? You can't talk to him? The book is called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. Reading it is the first step towards getting your life, and your happiness, back. Best of luck and take care. When you understand this horrible world of abuse in relationships, it will empower you x
...............................
|
