A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok so i met this guy online in the beginning of the year he lives ina complete different state i started dating somebody else but as time went on i realized the more me and this lnog distance guy talked the more i liked him and developed feelings i consoled him through alot of things he was going through and vice versa...i ended up leavin the guy i was dating because he grew to jealous of our friendship and he was just to controlling anyway but me and long distance decided to make this official in april everything was great in the beginning always sending me pictures making lil cute graphics of us sendin me flowers and just calling me to tell me i love you we decided to get off the net so we wouldnt have problems we ended up going on this complete different site and would just chat and play games there but then he started acting cold towards me he would talk to other girls everytime i would leave him because honestly the distance was really a problem for me because i really do love this guy and the circumstances of us ever being together physically seems impossible but time goes on and everytimei leave him he comes right back telling me he loves me and im the one and he wants to be with me and hessorry for treating and acting the way he does but then we end up fighting and he goes right back to being cold and distant towards me he says im the one he wants but hes never been in a reltionship ever before and im the forst hes ever had feelings for so he dont know how to deal with that i asked him if this is ever going to lead us being together in the physical form and he wont fully answer me i left it up to him if it wants to be with me he never answered just says i need to be more understanding of him because of how he led his life before and i do understand him in a way but its like he was like that before i just dont get why now anyway i ended up cutting him off 2days after our conversation bout a decision instead he went about ignoring me spent time online all day n nite and i just got fed up and deleted him i didnt want to do this but i just got tired ai really dont want to stop talking to him though and i dont know what to do he use to talk about moving down here and being with me and now he jsut stalls of even coming to visit we havent met and i dont think that will ever happen i kind of feel like hes jus stringing me along but then again i dont know..why keep coming back everytime i cut him off? i need some advice on what to do because even though we never met and hes far i know hes the person i want to be with and i have no problem being with somebody thats here but i dont want anybody else :\ i never done this before and i kind of feel stupid for even having these feelings over somebody i never met
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flowers, I love you, jealous, long distance, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 OP, slow down just a sec- why are you getting upset ?? Of course I don't know you ( or any other poster ) , and of course I can only go by assumptions, but they are REASONABLE assumptions, based on experience, plain common sense and the info provided by the OP. Telling you that MAYBE you are/ were holding on to this romance as an emotional crutch, or to fill a void in your life, it's not an insult !, it's a plausible hypotesis - that may not apply to you , and I am glad if I was wrong, but it was a distinct possibility anyway.
Why ? Because there's sort of a big gap between how this story played up in real life and the ripercussions it had in your thoughts and emotions.
Facts : you never met the guy ; all you know about him is what he said but your actual compatibility /mutual attraction could never be verified in real
life ; the whole official romance lasted only about 4 months ; since January he could not be bothered to come and see you, and,conversely, he had ample time to blow hot and cold several times.
You fell in love, deeply in love. Only, in general, most people wouldn't, COULDN'T fall in love in these conditions. People do not fall in love with emotional distance, coldness, fickleness, having to feel overlooked for other women, lack of clarity and being strung along ( all things that YOU mention ). Unless, if they do... very possibly it's because they feel a great,aching longing for something missing from their life ( intimacy, feeling valued and appreciated , etc.etc .) and they will project their longing also on unreceptive,unavailable, inappropriate candidates, as long as the guy is a mean to FEEL the things they want to feel.
That's the nuts and bolts of infatuation.
It wasn't infatuation ? It was true love ? Did you actually love him just for the person he was ? Ok,glad to know that. There are always exceptions, love is not an exact science.
I think that anyway we could agree on this : however we want to call it, love or infatuation or whatnot- if it does not feel good, it's not worth keeping it :), it HAS to go. Luckily you reached this same conclusion and I am sure that you'll be much better off without this attachment.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never expected anybody to say its a good choice when i posted about this situation was when i was completely confused about it but im clear about it now not saying i dont have my feelings because i do and he actually did try to come back and i told him to leave me alone.I said i made it clear to him on what i wanted he still kept on so i cut him on and yes we did connect on a deep level when we was friends and even now just he just goes cold and distant and switches up and goes back to the way he was and i cannot deal with that anymore as much as it hurts me I dont want to deal with it anymore and i also told him that he just says hes willing to change but he dont know how to cuz of his past and i told him thats just excuses i have a bad past and i dont use it as an excuse on why i am the way i am because i know the way i am is because its the way i want to be When i told him to stay out my life he just messaged me telling me sorry i cant do that i didnt even bother responding to his message...but like i said u dont know nothing about me to assume hes my crutch or anything of that sort because i simply fell in love with this guy for the way he was
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 September 2011):
Wrong guess - I happen to know quite a bit about LDRs, btw I even know abot long distance marriages! since for the first years of mine we had to live in different places due to work.But regardless of LDR experience, your post says clearly two things :1) there is no plan to be riunited , to make things work, there is no projectuality.
(Relationships do not subsist on emotions alone ).
2 ) He has been blowing hot and cold all along, to the point of making you think he's stringing you along- which is why you posted. He may have stirred up powerful emotions in you ; but "blowing hot and cold " and " connected at a deeper level " do not belong together.
Conclusion- this is not working, it's only making you anxious and frustrated. .If you want to change that, it's up to you. He may come back... then you'd only have to say "Don't ever come back ! " If you willingly choose to drag on a dysfunctional situation, and to wallow in painful emotions, that's absolutely your right and your choice. But, if you want me to say it's a good choice, sorry I can't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEXCUSE ME but you know nothing of me and yes this is my 1st long distance relationship i never planned to do this in my life and i never believed in loving somebody i never met which is why i stated i felt stupid for feeling this way and no i do not plan to keep it going that is why i cut him off because i made it clear im not going to keep doing this to myself over someone im never going to meet HIS plan was to move here and now he changed it up i never asked him for a relationship or anything that had to do with moving i simply caught feelings and enjoyed our friendship hes the one that wanted a relationship and who keeps coming back we talked bout me moving but i really cannot for other issues and the way hes acting im not going to sacrifice anything for a man i never been somebody to show emotion or chase a man so while i dont show him how i really feel ( he knows somewhat) im on here asking you guys because i NEVER dealed with this before and like i said before i have no problem in finding a man closer to me i got plenty of men that want to persue something with me but me and him connected on a level i never connected with anybody its deeper then saying i love you or finding a person attractive or even sexual and im pretty sure you never experienced a ldr so you cant really give me advice on something you know nothing of but i do not need any tough love on this situation if i wanted that i wouldve asked my own friends who also know nothing about this but thank you anyway
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 September 2011):
Oh please. Sorry but I think you need some tough love, so I'll have to say - snap out of it, this is ridiculous. Let all the communications issues and trust issues aside - and there are - and focus on this :there are no actual plans for you to actually ever being physically close, or closer, in the next future. You have not devised anything to make it happen, in fact when you ask him, he's elusive, You haven't met him so far, he's stalling visiting you, and deep down you feel it's not going to happen. I feel too that he is majorly stringing you along, but even if he weren't,... what are you going to do ? keep a LDR going forever ? Never get to really know him , and just know his Internet "persona " that may be very different from interacting in real life ? In other words, wasting more months, maybe years , on a pipe dream ? ...If you were 16, I could understand , but 26 to 29 , I don't. Even LDRs where people have conclared, true mutual feelings can only work if there 's a practical plan for being together in a not too distant future.Maybe you feel lonely , or insecure/underappreciated/unfullfilled in everyday life ,and knowing that there's someone who SAYS he loves you and cares about you, is a great comfort which is difficult to let go. Nevertheless, the sooner you'll start anesthetizing yourself with dreams and fantasies, and start living in the here and now- appreciating what's good and CHANGING what's not- the better you'll feel and the less you'll need this "crutch".
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you guys...well 2 days after i posted this i cut him off completely only for him to come back 2weeks later out the blue called me kept me on the phone for 6hrs straight telling me things and while he does seem sincere he just goes back to being distant afterwards...he swore to his mom that passed away that hes not playing with my emotions and he wants to be with me 4 life and blah blah blahhhh only to go back to being an ass a week later...we was trying to work things out but then he got on this thing where he flirts (something he never did)with every girl on his page and tells me i shouldnt let it bother me because they just on his page and i got his heart...blah...i cut him off again and he keeps coming back tellin me he loves me i just told him to stay with them and leave me alone so i havent heard from him in a week...honestly this feeling suckz...and i know my feelings are true i just dont believe his are anymore but i guess i got to get over him..even though i know he will end up popping up again...but i know im t fault with this too cause im also distant n i dont show emotions when he used 2 be on the phone with me saying i love you this and that i wouldnt say it back or just laugh..me and him are so much alike with the attitude and personality so if 1 pushes away the other will push harder...but thank you guys some of your responses been very helpful i appreciate the advice 3
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A
female
reader, Love_is_all_youu_need  +, writes (7 August 2011):
 Hey there, I'm involved in a long distance too! We're not official, but are in love with each other.
As the previous poster expressed, being in love with someone you have never met is absolutely possible! If anyone tells you otherwise then take no notice, it's because they haven't experienced the situation themselves. They don't understand the intensity of emotions associated with LDR's.
To your question, is he stringing you along? Firstly you need to be honest with yourself (putting aside the distant/cold behaviour) when he actually talks to you does he seem sincere? Do you feel the strength of his feelings for you? It's a bit difficult to explain, but when my man tells me he loves me I just 'know' he is being truthful. Then again I do have a sixth sense lol, I'm a very intuitive person. Next time you have a 'heart to heart', embrace the moment and ask yourself whether you 'feel' what he is telling you to be the truth.
As for the distant and coldness, it could be caused by various reasons. I actually had a psychic reading today and according to her, there is stress going on in his life that is linked to a family illness which consequently led to him not communicating with me so often. Consider that his cold behaviour may not be anything to do with you and he is dealing with personal problems, or perhaps a bad past experience may have triggered this change in him.
What I would suggest is to keep the peace and don't pick arguments with the guy, he is probably trying to tell you something that is important but is struggling to tell you because of your impatience. Sometimes we have to take the good with the bad in relationships! If you love him and what you have 'feels' right, then do not give up on him.
I often feel like I'm wasting my time with this man I have never met, I am constantly confused and questioning his motives. As the saying goes, life is too short to wait round... But it is also true that life is too precious to give up on the one you love.
I wish you the best of luck with your future :) I hope I've helped xx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): I've had 3 Long Distance Relationships and there the best experience in this world. Having feelings before meeting someone is INSANE, the first meet is always the roughest//exciting/nervous/ intense relationship type of love you can experience, words cannot express what i mean lol, people out there know that falling in love before meeting someone is REAL and it can happen and you know them before meeting them is just a wierd experience, there is something deeper underlying to LDRs that is rarely talked about. I hope more people experience it. thanks
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Hi,
I am just happy that you are aware that what you are doing is not right..
Dispite the fact that he's leading you on, not honest with you, etc... LDR are difficult in the first place. I think, you let yourself get involved too much!!
Honestly, I don't think you love him, how can you? When you never met him in person? You love the idea, what you created in your head, you made this image of him, that's all... Words? Means nothing! What matters is how you feel when you are with someone, when you spend time, actions, not words! You never met him, so you don't even know if you both have chemistry? Its easy to make up stories, say nice words, beautiful things, I love you, miss you... Like I said, these are only words and means nothing!
For one to really know if they love someone, you need to hold hands, spend time together, feel each other, share an actual life together, share the basic everyday! What if you meet him? He's not what you thought he was? So many if's???...
You are a smart, healthy young lady, keep being friends if you want, but don't depend on him, put your hopes up...
Relationships are hard as its, when you have the person with you, getting to know each other, etc... LDR are almost impossible..
Sorry, if I am not being supportive of you, but I am just being honest, don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I am just giving you my honest opinion. I feel that you are emotionally involved with him already, just trying to save more pain further along the way, just looking out for you.. At the end of the day, you are your own boss, you'll do whatever you want, I just hope you make the right decision, what's best for you..
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, dominic pusel  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 life can be funny, you find love in places you never think of, the future with this guy is very bright. Condone his lapses because he is a first timer, if you want to ejoy this guy bring him up the way you want, dont let distance be a problem, and dont have any regreats.
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female
reader, incendia1990 +, writes (1 August 2011):
 1) Never feel stupid for your feelings. 2) LDRs have an advantage in that you get to know the persons personality, instead of just doing it all the time (which some people do). The bad side is, yes, LDRs are hard. 3) Sadly, I do think he's stringing you along, especially considering he is talking to other girls. I think you should find someone better. There are better people out there and the more you turn down the not-so-good guys, the better the guys that come along. :)
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