A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I've met a man online about 1 year ago however things have been a bit more serious the last couple of months. He's very nice and respectful and we constantly video chat to create more intimacy. He seems interested in taking things to the next level but wants to meet in real life first (which I totally understand) so we finally decided to meet next month. He told me he wants to book a room for us to stay in however it took me off guard that he wanted us to be in the same room. I don't know if I'm overreacting or not; I do trust him completely, however, I don't want to rush things from our first meeting, I want to get to know him in real life before considering sleeping next to him or even at the same room as I need to have some privacy too (he's a person I met for the first time in real life at the end of the day and I don't know what to expect). Moreover, it will be awkward too at first, so I can't imagine how things would be like to share the bed with him. Does he want to share the same room to initiate sex? Is it potentially a terrible idea to sleep next to him? What are some red flags to look for in our first meeting? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2022): Personally if I'd been talking with someone and not met them yet and they suggested taking things to the next level, I would presume they meant, 'let's meet up'.
I would not presume they meant sex and I would be equally surprised as you when he mentioned getting a room. Cheeky little .....
So, whether or not he or anyone, thinks you are over reacting, the question to pose to yourself is, do YOU think you are over reacting?
My answer would be, 'of course not!' You haven't even met yet, face to face and he's suggesting sex??!!
Be true to YOU. Do YOU.
If YOU think it's too soon, too early, too presumptious of him or just want to get to know him first before partaking of the most intimate act there is, then that is FINE!
Listen to your gut and no-one else. After all, we are all different. Some people would be fine with this, even expect it, others would find themselves nowhere near ready to get naked with a virtual stranger.
And btw, don't presume he's harmless. You know NOTHING about him. Be safe. Take care.
A
female
reader, QueenCupcake  +, writes (5 May 2022):
 I think sharing the same room is a bit much considering you haven’t met before. I think you guys should go on some public dates first.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2022): He told you he wanted to take it to the next level. Obviously he meant sex. What did you think he meant? That you play tennis together or you become his bridge partner or cook omelettes together? When a man says next level he means to jump on you. Most of the time he would not care whether you know each other or not - look at the guys who go to brothels and decide that tonight is the night he goes with the blonde with the pimple on her nose, but next week he will pay to go with the brunette because she has bigger tits. Many men, especially younger men, tend to focus only on looks and sex nowadays. Many pretend to care about your career or hobbies and hate every second of that bit and do it just to keep you interested. The way most men see it is that they invest time in chatting to you online/text/phone or whatever, and they expect to get sex at the end of it to make it worth that investment of time. If you deliver the goods and they enjoy it, and there is not a lot of travelling or expense they will rush to do it again.
Because it sure beats the alternatives of doing it on their own over photos online or paying in a brothel.
The fact he has said about a room together means - in my book - he is not worth meeting. Not when he expects that on the first meet. He is, in a way , treating you like a prostitute, only one who does not charge.
For all you know he is lying about all sorts of things and in a relationship. He might have a nasty disease. He might be violent. How do you know he will not beat you up once he has you all alone?
Now another thing that many over look - if this guy lives a long way away from you where you can only meet now and then why bother? Find someone who lives nearer. Long distance stuff rarely works out and is fraught with heart aches, confusion, worry and a lot of sitting around lonely in between. To have a so called LDR where the guy meets up in a hotel room for some sex is hardly a relationship anyway.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (4 May 2022):
 I agree with the other aunts here you are not over reacting at all.
Although you have been chatting to him online for a year and you may think that you know him, you really don't. You have never met him in person so in all honesty i would still approach this with some trepidation.
I would certainly take him wanting to book a room for the first time that you meet as a red flag. To book a room with someone that you have never met, essentially a first date is a huge NO NO.
You really know nothing about about him, if you are going to meet him make sure its just in a public place, and tell people close to you where you are going.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2022): Not at all! Your not overreacting, you're making a lot of sense. Read your post, and you'll see a fine example of wisdom and common sense.
You don't know a person until you've spent time together in each-other's presence; and you've had some some in-depth face-to-face conversation, on a more personal level.
FatherlyAdvice made some excellent points; and I would suggest that you read it a couple of times to reassure yourself.
Long-distance romances have a better chance of survival; if the couple had spent time getting to know each-other and connecting on a personal level before their separation. You have to feel-out each-other, and use your natural-senses to connect emotionally; based on what you see in real-life, rather than depending almost entirely on a virtual-perception. Unless we are unaware, we never relax and show our natural selves in a photo. By the same token, when you're in front of a camera, or you're aware you're being videoed; you change into someone other than yourself. We can't help it, because we're self-conscious knowing what is photoed or recorded on video is there for all eternity. You don't know who'll see it; knowing how critical and insensitive the world is these days.
Without a doubt, He will be the most lovely guy for you on-screen; but you do need to know him before you share a whole night, a room, and a bed. You'll get the filtered and scrubbed version of a person on facetime, fit for video. You can't capture a person's mind or true intentions online. You see only what they want you to see; and hear only what they what you to know. You then create a perception or ideal of that person. Who may be nothing like what you think or imagine. Maybe that's why so many come to DC claiming how much their partners suddenly changed!
His presumption is that it's time to seal the deal; and you'll be in a situation where you'll feel somewhat powerless, and/or pressured to let him have his way. It's true, the problem with LDRs IS that there's no sex; but there is a delay in establishing a vital human-connection, and the opportunity to test your chemistry and attraction in real-time. It is like meeting a total stranger for the very first-time. You could sit next to a man and chat on the bus for years. That doesn't tell you squat about what he does in his personal-life, or if he's an undercover serial-killer. You wouldn't just go home with him, would you?
You've seen actors and celebrities on-screen, in numerous videos, or in photos for years. Some directly interact with their fans; and may even respond to your tweets, or send direct messages on social media. Just because you might meet them them someday in-person, doesn't mean you know them. As their security detail will quickly remind you. You discern and evaluate personalities better in-person; and that's what you should do before you hop into bed with some guy, or spend the night alone with someone you hardly know. What you see ain't always what you get!
Your first in-person meeting is the final phase of getting acquainted. Testing your comfort-level in his presence, and letting him know that you're under no obligation to sleep with him as soon as you've met him. Reality check! Nobody's going to spend money on a hotel room, just to sit and chit-chat. He's expecting some hot and sweaty action!
If he's only going to be around a few days, that's almost a "hit and run." How do you know whether you really like somebody when you've only got a few hours together? That's what dating is for. A series of meetings, when you're actually spending time together; using all your natural senses, and looking for red-flags and deal-breakers.
Everyone is well-behaved from miles away, and communicating by devices. The goal is to eventually meet. It's when they are up-close and personal that you'll get to realize whom you're dealing with. If he's going to spend a couple weeks together, he'll gain more trust. Then you can follow your gut. If he's just passing through, grabs a piece, and leaves. How will you feel after that?
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (2 May 2022):
 Two side comments.
The reason that long distance relationships are difficult to sustain is because there is no sex.
In consideration of you age and probable experience level, I would clearly and plainly explain to him before he buys his ticket that you don't plan on having sex this visit.
Book a room is code for, let's have sex.
Take it to the next level is code for, let's have sex.
It would probably be a good time to stop using euphemisms and clearly spell out expectations.
Final advice. After a year, if you try to put him on hold for 12,18, or 24 months, he is going to give up hope. Three months or six months, with a face to face date every month is reasonable. Can you afford that?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2022): Hello there. I don't have a lot of advice except to tell the guy your concerns directly and honestly. If he is a decent guy who cares about you, he will understand and respect it. I am not saying he won't be disappointed because he probably was hoping for physical intimacy (which is natural), but if he is serious about a long term relationship he will chill out and go your speed. If you are attracted to him, you should soften the blow by mentioning you like him that way so he at least gets some encouraging feedback and it is not like a blow to his ego. I agree with what the ladies said about being extra safe with a first meeting. I have never done anything like that but if I did and a girl was wanting to be smart and careful like that I would understand it. If having two rooms is a money problem, I say save up until you can afford to get together the right way that makes you comfortable.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2022): OP you should NOT sleep in the same room as him. You should not have sex with him either until a real, solid relationship is developed. Online makes it so easy to take advantage of people these days.
I watched a show last week. And it was about a guy who met women online. They did not even know him and they agreed to spend a weekend with him, in a hotel. This man ended up being a serial killer. He murdered a string of women he met online and then had sex with in hotel rooms. I am not saying this guy is a serial killer. Just trying to put it all into perspective. These women were young like you. And thank God you are NOT as NAIVE. You seem to have a very level head on your shoulders. Stay true to yourself. Never do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. This guy is only a guy you have been chatting with online. It is not real. You know NOTHING about him, except what he wants you to know. And so, it might be very possible he is just looking for sex and fun and puts in the work to keep in touch online to get his REWARD. It really looks that way from here. Please be careful. You are young and people will try to take advantage of you. No guy who respects you would ever ask or expect you to stay in a hotel with him without even knowing him or having a long term REAL LIFE relationship. It shows a lack of respect in my opinion. He doesn't know you either. Is HE the type of guy who just jumps at having sex with women he has never met that easily? Things to really THINK about.
It is best not to let your emotions get the best of you OP. Please do not share a bed with him or have sex. Men have the UPPER HAND after we sleep with them. We start feeling all lovey dovey and gooey and our hormones kick in and we start to get ATTACHED. It is a scary word when you do not know a person. So, to protect yourself, it is best to refrain from sex which leads to bonding. You do not know this man. You do not want to BOND with the WRONG PERSON and have him hurt you in the end, if all he wants is SEX. Make him PROVE himself. He will have to wait. And if he is the right man, he will stick around. He will understand. He will not pressure you.
If you have sex, I fear the communication will start dropping off and he will suddenly make excuses. And you will be heart broken. You have the upper hand right now. Keep it there. You have control. Do not give it to him. This relationship is only in the fantasy phase right now. If you want to meet him, go for dinner. Go on a date. But do not have sex or be alone with him.
How do you know if he is online doing this with other women? Or has women at home he sleeps with? You have no idea. These days people are not very honest and they are not very kind. If you were my daughter, I would tell you to be smart and think with your head. Not your heart. This guy has not proven himself. He is just a pen pal. That is all. So, he is NOT worth your trust. Not until he proves himself. You have NO IDEA who he really is. Do not fall for the image of him you have created in your head, only to be hurt when he falls short later.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 May 2022):
 I have to agree, You are not overreacting at all.
While you have talked and video-called for a year, you haven't met in person. You might not FEEL the same way about him IN person as you do when talking over tech. He might not smell good, have good hygiene, might eat like a savage (lol), or some other bad habits that you DO NOT see when talking over tech, but you DO get to see in person.
There should BE no rush here. I'd simply tell him, "I want to get to know him in real life before considering sleeping next to him or even at the same room as I need to have some privacy too."
I think it's a reasonable request. You want to take your time and not rush things.
"Does he want to share the same room to initiate sex?"
Probably. He might feel like you two have bonded already so sex is next on the table. However, he is SKIPPING vital steps.
Some people think sex is "just" sex, meaningless, or "not really anything that serious". And others think the opposite.
It might be that he feels that by having sex you both can decide if you want to go to the next step - which would be one of you moving CLOSER to the other or whatnot.
Seems like a "test drive" before committing.
As YCNBS mentioned there are a LOt of considerations to ponder BEFORE hooking up or committing to each other.
I think meeting in person would be a GOOD next step. And I would keep sex out of it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (1 May 2022):
 I don't think you are over reacting at all. I too would not like the idea of sharing a room with someone who I had never met before. Offer to pay for your own room so he is not out of pocket and so he does not feel he has been "used" in any way. Also so YOU don't feel pressured/obliged to do something for which you are not ready.
All you currently know about this man is what he has chosen to tell you. (For the record, I would give him the same advice if he was the one writing in.) You don't really know him. Please be careful about trusting someone you don't actually know. You have never met his family or his friends. He could he spinning you a complete pack of lies. The person you have "met" on line may be a total fabrication. He may be a good reader of people and know how to "play" them to get them to like and trust him.
The other thought I have is that, given you have been chatting on line for so long without meeting, I am assuming you live far apart. What would happen if you were to enter into a relationship with this guy? LDRs are difficult to sustain at the best of times but particularly tough if you have never actually lived together/dated properly and, hence, have no solid relationship foundation on which to build. Before you meet him, ask yourself whether there is any chance of a real future together? Who would move? What about work? Lots of things to take into consideration.
If you do decide to go ahead an meet him, please meet in public and don't put yourself in a situation where you could be vulnerable. You don't even know where this guy lives or whether you have his real name. Make sure someone knows where you are going and get them to phone you at an agreed time to make sure you are ok. Treat this like a first date with a complete stranger - because that is effectively what it is.
...............................
|
