A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Been seeing a married man for the past 10 mths. He has broken up with me three times (he rekindles us each time after a few weeks). He’s stuck on the theory that it’s unfair and selfish of him to expect me to wait around for him when he’s home with his family instead of having a relationship with someone who’s also single (I am single, we met and started this when I was still married). He won’t accept my assurance that the relationship works well for me, that I cherish and enjoy my freedom and independence (we discussed and agreed at the beginning of the affair that there is no plan for him to leave his marriage). He keeps testing me and dwelling on his theory. I can’t help but wonder if it’s just an excuse and he really doesn’t want to be with me, what's confusing is that other things he has said and done are to the contrary.I mean, is it really possible for him to be that noble and looking out for my well being? It's not supposed to be so deep, it's supposed to be a married guy supplementing what's missing in his marriage and me there to do that. Another thought I have is of him wanting me to go away/stop distracting him so he can make a go at it with his wife. I certainly don’t want to interfere if that’s the case but wouldn’t he just use that reason/explanation instead of the 'I don't want to be selfish and hold you back' one? I'd like opinions on my thoughts which are 1. he's hinting to me in a nice way to leave him alone or 2. he's giving me space to explore my new found freedom and come to my own decision and prove, without his influence, that I truly want to be in a restricted relationship with him.Basically, I don't want to take on/pursue my thought no. 2 and seem a fool professing my love and want to be with him to him if it's my thought no. 1 that's going on here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): maybe he is becoming guilt-ridden over the fact that he is cheating on his wife AND using you as a piece of meat. maybe he finally is developing some decency to feel bad about using you for his selfish needs.
if that's the case, then probably he wants out. Living with guilt and shame is not something that is pleasant. so in other words, maybe his explanation about feeling bad about your well being, really is true. Maybe he really does feel bad about what he is doing to you.....which means he wants to stop seeing you, so he can stop feeling bad.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): When I got rid of my mistress she ratted me out but I had told my wife before she told her. My wife trusts me again and we have a stronger bond because of the affair. I feel a little bad about my mistress being hurt but not much because she knew I was a married man let me keep it going even though she was just a piece on the side. I don't know why pieces of meat think a cheating spouse think they love them and respect them. They're rougue for letting us use them and for being easy. What kind a man would would a whore like that for a wife?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): Coming from the mind of a woman who had a 7 year affair on her husband take his suggestins as his way of gently get rid of you. You've served your purpose and the more you make excuses the and the more you try to fool yourself and him to hang on the more he'll resent and despise you and the harder it will be when you fall.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): It's No. 1 in my book. Sounds like he's trying to ask you to go and do it in a way whereby you won't flip out and rat him out to his wife.
There are some things in your original post that resonate as troubling. Firstly, you state "I mean, is it really possible for him to be that noble and looking out for my well being?"
Noble? Are you kidding me? What is noble about a guy who uses two women interchangeably like rags?
Secondly, you state "It's not supposed to be so deep, it's supposed to be a married guy supplementing what's missing in his marriage and me there to do that."
So, basically you are a marital aid? A tool for his marriage to continue? Poor fella. His sex drive is so overflowing that he just has to find an outlet for the overflow. Oh wow. And you are happy to take care of him. Do you realize how this sounds?
If all you are is a surrogate sex partner to supplement his marriage... in your words... haven't you basically answered your own question? You are getting laid and I suppose you like that. Use someone else's penis. Preferably a penis that is attached to a single male this time. You are not performing a service. You are the fool and sound utterly ridiculous as you bounce the ball of logic between the two courts... on one hand you are happy performing sexual services and on the other you are 'hoping' for something.
Cut it out. Go find that single guy and have a blast. I'm sure there are plenty of single guys that would love someone to service them too. Place an ad and you'll have plenty of takers.
Leave this 'nobleman' to his wife and get that single guy or a vibrator.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (8 November 2010):
"Been seeing a married man for the past 10 mths."After I read this first sentence I stopped reading. What possible good do you think can come from this? Whatever hardship you endure from this is completely self-inflicted. How otherwise rational people can engage in such foolish behavior is beyond me.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 November 2010):
 I think it is absolutely wonderful that you are willing to fuck him whenever he wants just so he can home to his wife with a good demeanor. It's heart warming to know there such selfless women out there looking out for we married ladies. You should send her a bill.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Response to A female reader, anonymous, (8 November 2010): I am extremely grateful for your input as you were once in the same position as he is in now, so have given me another angle to consider, a lot of good points!
In respect to your point on your boyfriend preying on your heart every time you tried to leave and giving in easily which impeded your ability to love your husband the way he deserved and the way you wanted to, in my opinion, every person should be responsible for controlling their own actions and making their own decisions. Nobility aside, I want to be his FWB, filling a void missing in his marriage so I don’t fight that but go with it i.e. I’m doing what I want for me. If he wants to try and fill that void with his wife then it should be his responsibility to make that decision and do what he wants for him and end us with that reason which was my original dilemma, ‘Is he giving me a hidden message/hint or is what he's saying legitimate?’
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): I've been married to my husband for 16 years and was his girlfriend for 7 years before we got married. For the most part our marriage is strong, we have more good times than bad, have raised 3 children, family oriented and neither of us could ever imagine living without the other. Several years ago our marriage hit a short term rough spot due to the pressure of raising our children, our jobs and paying for a home, etc. It was during that time that I began thinking back on my life and foolishly started thinking how I had wasted away my teenagers years by restriting myself to him. This gave me a reason to run from all the stress and pressure marital obligation presented so I started going out once ore twice a month with some women co-workers. A fewe were married but most were single. Not good. I started having too much fun which ended up with me taking to a single man and having an affair with him. This went on for 8 years. I felt suffocated with guilt from both ends. It was stiffling. I knew I was the one in the wrong but I didn't want to confront it. This resulted in my having a growing resentment and hate for my boyfriend which made me more frazzled. I loved him but quietly hated him for being the object which caused me to betray the most important man in my life, my husband.My husband never found out about my affair and even though the affair ended 5 years ago I still cry when I look at my husband watching tv or whatever and it makes me had the man I betrayed my husband with.I didn't want to hurt my boyfriend because I loved him but at the same time my hate for him was widening which was really just my hate of myself plus I knew that had my husband passed my boyriend would end up hating me and hurt because I would look for a man like my husband who I could trust would be loyal, honest, faithful and monogomously devoted to me never having an affair. I wouldn't be able to find that in my boyfriend since he knew I was a married woman and disrespecting it and even me. Everytime I tried to leave, he would prey on my heart and when I missed him he was easy to give in impeding my ability to love my husband the way he deserved and the way I wanted to.I didn't want to hurt my boyfriende with the truth so I also used the tactics that your man uses on you. This too wore on me emotionally. I was jealous but knew I didn't have that right. It was like I was on a rollercoaster. I was jealous when he went out with other women but the hate that I quietly felt when he resisted me about going out outpowered my jealousy.I regret the affair and I regret even more for erupting and seeing my boyfriend hit rock bottom after slipping and yelling to him that I loved him but the he was just a stepping stone to get through a rough spot and if my husband passed I would seek a man like my husband and not a cheap cheat like he.
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female
reader, RennieGeek +, writes (8 November 2010):
He already told you he isn't going to leave his wife, which means he doesn't want to be with you.
He's just having sex with you. That is the extent of your affair.
I would let him be and my suggestion is to find a casual relationship with a single man if that is what you are wanting.
Even if someone is unhappy in their marriage, as women I feel it's wrong for us to approach that man and go after him. After all, we wouldn't want another woman going after our husband or boyfriend would we?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): What do YOU want from this arrangement? Do you want the arrangement to continue as is, or are you looking for a real relationship?
Is it possible to just ask him plainly and bluntly what's going on? I know it's not so easy though, I'm sort of in the same boat as you and getting a lot of mixed signals from my guy...I also feel that to get the answers I want/need, I have to reveal too many of my cards and risk changing the outcome by the very act of asking for answers.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Response to thewalkin'dude: I do not feel any guilt whatsoever. I have not, and never will, ask him to leave his marriage. I am merely a FWB, filling a void of what he's missing in that marriage. If anything, my contribution probably affords him a happier, fulfilling demeanor thus he's able to at least maintain a less frustrating, annoying & belligerent relationship with his wife seeing as it's obvious the love factor is no longer there.
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female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (7 November 2010):
 I don't think he's that noble. Sounds to me like he just wants the continuing reassurance that you will be there and that you're NOT out with someone else. I understand what you mean about this situation working well for you. I do not think he's hinting for you to leave him alone...men who want to be left alone will simply leave you alone and avoid. I would say it's his own guilt over his own actions that make him break up with you. This pattern will most likely continue until one of you makes a decision for it not to.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 November 2010):
 If he's that considerate he would have gone to marriage counselling with his wife. He doesn't need you to proove yourself, that's just relinquishing responsibility. All he needs is man up, leave this affair and start to make ammends with his wife with or without your agreement. A lot of the times when men have affairs the women fall in love with them. Men love having two women loving them. When you make it clear that this casual thing is what you want, he feels puzzled that he failed the challenge to make you fall in love with him. Like he's not macho or alpha enough. Your independece is a threat to him because any moment you could be snatched away by another guy. It's more comfortable to find a gullible woman because it's easier on his manhood.
I don't think this affair would drag out as long as those situations with women who really love them and bugging them to leave their wives. For the future it's better to find single men who want lots of space. That's better for your soul and conscience.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): You say you don't want to intefere, sorry but you already have because you're sleeping with somebodys husband. Instead of asking for advice about this sorded affair you two have going, why not get some morals and leave this poor woman's husband alone. Don't you feel any guilt whatsoever?
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